A Totally Differerent Vein...

So. This is nothing like today's other post about the new year. This is a totally different vein, in fact, but it's something else I've been pondering.

People are so RARELY what we expect them to be. We put people in these little boxes that WE think they fit, and then we just hardly know what to do with ourselves when they do something totally "outside" that box. Why do we feel such a need to do that? To categorize people? To expect things?

I've found that I rarely EXPECT things anymore--a lot of the time, it just seems like a good way to get let down. Even when I KNOW someone would do something for me, I don't EXPECT them to. Don't ask me how that works, because I'm not entirely sure. ;) But this way, when they do something, it's more of a happy surprise. ;) And it's not that I don't trust people, because I do have a couple REALLY fantastic friends who are there for me every time. I am coming to expect that. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I try NOT to expect things. I try not to expect somebody to do this for me, or for that person to be a certain way, because every time I do, I just get let down or shocked or something. It's better to just go with it and let it come, instead of trying to box people up.

I think it's also funny to see people putting me in a box. Sometimes I can just tell that they expect me to be a certain way, or do a certain thing, or maybe most especially hang out with a certain type of person. I think people tend to be surprised by the company I keep. And I don't really know why. I'm an outgoing person. I like people. I like to think I'm pretty charismatic--I can get along with just about anyone. And I don't box MYSELF into hanging out with a certain type of person. I've found that often times you have a lot more in common with a person than you'd expect upon first glance. I think, though, that if I were to tell you who my best friend is at this exact moment, a lot of people would be in for a bit of a shock, because it's probably not who they'd expect. It's not someone that, A. they would anticipate being a good friend (No offense, but truly, they don't really come across as being the kind of person to let you rant and rave at two in the morning. hehe.) and B. they would anticipate being MY friend, because we do have a lot of differences. But honestly, I think we've found that we have a lot more in common than even WE expected...or maybe that's just me. haha. ;) And the scary thing is, what if we hadn't been able to get past those expectations? We would have missed out on a fantastic friendship!

So I guess I'm just kind of thinking that people run deeper than we expect, and I think we tend to miss out on a lot because we're disappointed, or we just sort of blow them off when they don't meet our expectations. Who THEY are is probably better than we expected, anyway! ;}

xoxo,
Erika Rose.

Out with the Old, In with the New

New Year's. Possibly one of my FAVORITE days of ever year. ;) There's just something so exciting about a new year, the opportunity to make new memories, and "fresh tracks" so to speak, in a new year. I guess that's a pretty good illustration. Every year, we tromp around in the snow, and leave foot prints, make memories. And then, a new year rolls in, and it erases all the old tracks (a chance to start over fresh) and we get to tromp around in FRESH snow, and just start over.

I'm just so excited. There's a few things that I need to let go of, that I've been clinging to like a drowning man, and I really don't know why. And again, it's not like you need a new year to do that, it's just, I don't know, a good time to really think about these things, I suppose. More than that, though, I'm excited to plunge into a new year with both feet first, holding onto the people who are still in my life, and peering around the corner to see what God has in store for me next.

I am just so excited! I have so many plans for the year, things that are going to be happening. The summer is pretty much just going to be filled with horses. I have a gal who wants me to ride a six year old gelding for her, both Bill and DeeDee want me to do work for them, I think Dad'll have some work for me, plus working Viv and getting her ready for horse shows! It's just going to be a wonderfully fantastic summer. And next year...Well, who knows where God's going to put me? But I'm excited to find out, because I'm pretty sure that wherever it is, it's going to be exciting, you know?

There's just something so symbolic to the new year, I feel. And it's time to grab the bull by the horns, as they say. 2010 brought a lot of change and growth, and I can't wait to go into 2011, with both new and old friends by my side. This is just going to be a good year. I can feel it.

I hope the rest of you are as optimistic about this next year as I am. Have a safe and happy New Year's, and God Bless!

xoxo,
Erika Rose <3

Live It Up...

Today, I am struck with the idea of change. I was looking at the photos of an old friend that I haven't seen in some, what, four years? I was just noticing how much he's grown up, how much he's changed--he's a man now, instead of just the boy he was when last I saw him. And I realized that I'm a young woman now, to the girl I was then, back when things were so much simpler.

I'm just thinking about the things life has brought me. I NEVER imagined I would be here, in this place, with these people, and, in some cases, not with other people. I often find myself wishing that I could go back. I miss hot summer days spent sweltering in the sun on horseback, surrounded by the people I loved, united by a single passion. I miss the relationships I had with some of those people, that have changed, or been lost entirely.

But on the other hand, I am SO thankful for the people I still have, and the new people that I didn't even know EXISTED back in the days I'm thinking of. And I know I never would have met them if things hadn't changed, if I hadn't changed.

I guess with Christmas and the new year just around the corner, I'm feeling pretty excited. I have some of the most AMAZING friends, far better than I deserve. I'm rekindling relationships with people I haven't heard from in who knows how long. I'm looking forward to the coming days, and weeks, and months. It's sort of like the caption for my sophomore year album. "These are the years of my life. I will live it up, every day, every moment. Nobody's gonna bring me down." These ARE the years of my life, and they're GOOD years. I will be grateful, I will live it up.

I will be thankful for the changes God has brought to my life, even when I don't understand them, even when I wish he hadn't brought those changes to me, even when I want nothing more than to go back in time. I WILL live it up, every day and every moment. I will admire the young woman I feel God is turning me into, a young woman that I'm not afraid of, nor afraid to be. In all honesty, and I don't mean this in a bragging matter at all, but I'm pretty proud of who I'm becoming. I'm just comfortable in my skin, I am 100% okay with who I am right now, although of course there's always room for improvement and change. I will thank God for that, and I will live my life to the best of my abilities, and with no regrets, because I know that God has a hand in EVERY part of my life, and that He WILL work all things for my good.

God bless,
xoxo,
Erika Rose <3

Wordless Prayer

It's funny sometimes, how God answers prayer even when we don't know exactly what we're praying for--or even that we're praying at all. I was feeling a little down this weekend. I don't know why. Maybe just exhaustion. Feeling a little lonely. As a girl, it's pretty easy to blame stuff on hormones, so I try not to let myself get too down, or at least not dwell on it too long. I don't trust me emotions too much, and so I didn't think about it. But I guess God just put it on my hear this weekend that He truly cares about EVERY aspect of our lives, even the things we mark off as petty or silly.

I was feeling pretty lonely. I don't know why, exactly, and it sounds petty to hear me say it. But this weekend, I got to hang out with two of my best friends, being Dustin and Sarah. Dustin and I just had a crazy time doing absolutely nothing. It was a good detox, to just talk things out and chill. And then on Sunday I got to see Sarah, and we spent time reminiscing about old memories, wondering where we'll be in a few years. I heard from my friend Jennifer, from back in Wibaux, who I don't talk to nearly often enough and, while we didn't talk about a whole lot, it was good to hear from her. And then last night I got a text from one of my old classmates, who I haven't talked to in forever, who, in all honesty, I didn't expect to hear from at ALL. And he basically just told me he doesn't hold anything against me. He thought I should go back to Wibaux at semester. :] He'll probably never know exactly how much that meant to me. He was one of the first to specifically tell me he's over it, doesn't hold anything against me. I've talked to kids back home, but we've never talked about the documentary. For some reason, it was just really freeing. I talked to Chella, too, (Rachel, one of my other best friends) is gonna get me into rodeo, or at least if she's got anything to say about it. ;] And again, that support means the world to me.

Basically, it all just came together to remind me that I DO have friends. Lots of them. More than I ever imagined, or even really noticed, sadly. And I guess it was just a balm on my heart, God whispering softly in the back of my mind, "I care about EVERYTHING, no matter how trivial it seems, and I WILL provide the desires of your heart, because I love you more than life itself, and because I am God Almighty, and more than that, Father." I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who care about me dearly, who I know would do anything for me, exactly how I'd do anything for them. And yes, I have people who've walked out of my life without looking back, no good byes, no regrets, but in the long run, what is that compared to what I HAVE been given? Do I really want those people THAT badly? And I don't mean that in a callous way, but more of a, if they don't want to stay, why do I want them to? If I care about them, I'll let them go, and I will be grateful for the friends I have. And I will try to never, ever take that for granted.

I guess the bottom line is, sometimes we don't know what we want, or what we're praying for, God does. He knows exactly what is on our hearts every moment of every minute of every hour of ever day, and we don't always have to put words to our prayers. God just knows. And more than that, He is faithful to answer.

xoxo,
Erika Rose <3

P.S. I just want you guys to know that my life is better for having you in it, and that I don't know what I'd do without you. God used you this weekend, probably without your even realizing it, simply by doing the things you do daily. Thanks for being amazing. Thanks for being my friends. :]

Dream Big

So. I have some dreams. And a lot of them are about horses, so some of you probably aren't gonna have any idea what I'm talking about. However, I want tow rite them down so I hold myself to it, and I have so many notebooks that I tend to lose things. So. Here is a list of 10 goals for me and my filly Viva. Call it my early New Year's Resolution. ;] They also say that you should set a time limit. So. By this time next year, I want to complete all this, which means doing lots and lots of riding. =D (That ought to be really difficult. tehe)

1.) I want her to come greet me at the gate.
2.) I want to get her jumping
3.) I NEED to get her side-passing (maybe this should be because I need this by summer)
4.) I want to get her to lay down
4b.) I want to be able to get on her while she's laying down and then have her stand up
5.) I need to start working with a longer line
5b.) ...so I can work up to playing with her on the ground, at liberty (with no line at all) in a large space
6.) I want to be able to ride WITHOUT a bridle. Which means I need to fix the way I ride and start using my legs instead of my hands. ;]
7.) I want her to be joined up with me AFTER we get done riding. (Instead of running off like she did today. -sad panda-)
8.) I want to figure out what SHE wants to do and get her going on it, be it barrels and poles or jumping
9.) I want to get her going under English (which really isn't hard)
10.) I want to fix her headset, so she carries herself better.

Okay. That is my list of equine goals for the year of 2011. These are the things I hope to accomplish. I'll let all of you know how this goes, but it'll be a while, as I can't ride nearly as often as I'd like thanks to the weather and school and the fact that it gets dark so early. =S

xoxo
Erika Rose <3

'Tis the Season

Tonight we decorated the Christmas tree. I have under-appreciated that tradition the last few years, but this year, it was a fun time. My mom has this great tradition for getting us kids a Christmas tree ornament every year. A lot of them are significant to what happened that year. The trip to Hawaii, the trip to Boston, the years I got Vegas and Tinkerbell, the scant year I was in ballet, things of that nature. And this year, it was fun to look back on all those, to remember where I have been and to take a special note of where I am now. I'm super curious to see what Mom got me for the tree this year. She just keeps telling me I'm gonna like it. Hmm.

At any rate, it's also a time for family. Before I moved to Dickinson, I was far too eager to run off, back to the computer or whatever else I had going, as soon as I possibly could without being rude to my mom. This year, though, it was a great time. I went and made some hot cocoa and just chilled in the recliner and watched Mom finish putting all her (well, her's and dad's, but mostly her's. =P)her stuff on the tree. We talked about theology, and life and love. We ate dinner around the table, and I talked about the traditions I want to have for my family when the time comes. It was just fantastic.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and in my case, that is most certainly true. I've under-appreciated my parents for a long time, but tonight was just a night of bonding, talking about old movies, and family traditions, like watching Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol.

I don't want to go back to Dickinson tomorrow. I just want to go to church and sit iwth my family and drink hot cocoa around the Christmas tree. Unfortunately, duty calls, and I must go back to the daily grind. In just a few more weeks, though, I'll be off for Christmas break, and I am VERY excited. I love Christmas, and I can't wait to see the rest of my family and get to just curl up and look at the snow and enjoy life. Of course, that's not to say I don't always enjoy life, but there's just something about Christmas.

Love always, and happy holidays! (Merry Christmas, thank you very much!)
Erika Rose <3

Do you really believe?

"Do you really believe what you believe is really real?" -- Del Tackett

So. Here are my thoughts for this past week.

Basically, everyone seems to think I'm this super strong Christian. The pastor (who hardly knows me but heard me pray at Prayer and Testament a couple weeks ago) thinks that I'm gonna be this great influence on the youth and seems to think that I'm some great Christian. And letting him think that kind of makes me feel like a liar. I guess in some ways, I am a pretty mature Christian. But not as much as I could be. Not as much as I SHOULD be. But then, I guess none of us are.

Still, I'm hit and miss with my Bible reading, and if I'm hit and miss with that, I'm probably hit and miss in my relationship with God, and I'm DEFINITELY hit and miss with my prayer life. All of these to me are signs of an immature Christian.

All of THIS comes back to that quote by Del Tackett in the Truth Project, which has stuck with me for a very, VERY long time. "Do you really believe what you believe is really real?" Do I? If I did, wouldn't I pray constantly? If I REALLY believed what the Bible said about entering God's thrown room when we pray, the thrown room of THE Almighty God, would I ever be able to LEAVE? How would I EVER get out of prayer if I REALLY believed what I believe is really real?

Is my faith REALLY being echoed in my life? Sure, I don't drink, or party, or sleep around, but there are non-Christians who do that, too, because it's logical, because it's safe. Does that REALLY set me so much apart? Am I really setting MYSELF apart? If my relationship with God is lacking, isn't my life lacking? My testimony? If my relationship with God is lacking, everything about my life is lacking.

I don't know. I guess I just don't want people to build me up so much, which probably sounds crazy, because everybody wants a good reputation, everybody wants people to think they're great. But. I don't want people to think I'm better than I am. I don't want them to set me on this pedestal because I'm going to fall eventually, and we all know the saying about the higher the pedestal, the harder the fall. Maybe people really aren't building me up that much and I'm just being paranoid and self centered (=P) but still. I just wonder, you know? And it makes me evaluate my life. Is my life in line with what I'm preaching? With my other actions? Do I really have room to be advising other people or trying to help them?

I'm not self-doubting myself as much as it sounds like I am, I promise. Just exploring. I guess I'm just being reminded that God doesn't see what people see, and just because I'm good enough for the people, doesn't mean I'm good enough for God, but I never will be, this side of glory. And I have to remember that God is okay with that. He knows we're not perfect, and all He asks is our best effort. So I guess, am I really giving him my BEST effort? Am I giving Him my all?

So I guess that's my thought for the evening. I am evaluating. Where am I lacking? Where can I give God more? What do I need to surrender to Him? (Besides EVERYTHING!! lol) And this will be a continual struggle. I will never be perfect, and I have to be okay with that, and remember that there's beauty in the imperfections, too.

xoxo,
Erika Rose

Years Go By...

Well. I was just looking through old pictures as I moved all my photos into one album, looking over the past year. It certainly has been an interesting one, hasn't it? I had people leave. I had people change. I had new and wonderful people walk into my life.

It's been a crazy, wonderful, awful, terrifying year, all rolled into one. The reason I'm already thinking about this is that I saw someone's Facebook status the other day that said how Christmas is only x number of days away, and they're not ready to say goodbye to this year. But. I so am.

Last year, I was looking forward to this year. I couldn't wait. My attitude was bring it on. And what can I say but that I got what I asked for? Life brought it, and brought it hard. And like I said, it wasn't all necessarily bad, but it was certainly a hard year, in many, many ways. But I suppose every year is bound to be that way.

Even so, I can't say that I'm going to be terribly sad to see 2010 usher itself out the door. Next year may not be any better, but I will be optimistic and hope so. Mostly, I just can't wait to move on. Obviously I don't have to wait 'til New Years to move on, but there's just something fresh about the start of a new year, something, well, new. It's a blank page, the end of a chapter and the start of something new. And I cannot wait to start something new.

I don't know what this next year will bring, but good or bad, I am confident it will be wonderful all the same, because ultimately, God is control. 2010, you were not terribly kind to me, and I cannot wait to wish you farewell for good. I hope and pray that 2011 is better, and I am confident it will be. Looking back now, 2010 kind of got off to a rocky start, although I didn't really realize it at the time. This year, though. This will be better.

2010 brought a lot of change, and it had its rocky moments, as everything does, but in the end, it turned into something beautiful, if a little bittersweet. I can't wait to see what God brings in 2011. And so I know that we're still more than a month away, but 2011, I am looking forward to greeting you, and I hope that I can do it with an open mind and an open heart for whatever God has in store, be it trials or treasures.

xoxo,
Erika Rose <3

Romans 9

Oh dear. I've been thinking again recently about Elect vs. Freewill, which is something I've been considering for a long time. And what should I stumble across in my reading today but Romans 9, which is basically talking about God choosing. God having mercy on whom He wants to have mercy, , and in verse 19, it has basically my whole argument against election: How can God throw people into Hell if they had no choice about what they did. Here's verses 19-22: "One of you will say to me: "Then why does God still blame us? For who resists His will?" But who are you, o man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it "Why did you make me likes this?" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? What if God, choosing to show His wrath and make His power known, bore with great patience the objects of His wrath--prepared for destruction?"

How do I reconcile that? Ugh. I guess that's my thought for the day. And if any of you feel like reading that chapter and posting your thoughts on the issue, by all means, feel free. ;]

xoxo,
Erika Rose

The End of the Rope...

I don't know what to do. He's hurting. He's aching. He's battling with God and hitting the end of his rope, and I can't help but hope that he's losing, because ultimately, he has to lose it to win it.

All day, it's been on constant repeat in my mind. "Please, God. Please, God. Please, God." I don't even know what I'm praying for anymore. Peace? Salvation? Belief in the fact that he IS loved? I don't know. I can't get into the specifics really, not in my head. I guess it's becoming a prayer of the heart, at this point. God knows what's there, what's written on my soul. He knows how much I hurt and ache, He knows what I desire and hope for and ultimately what I'm praying for, even if I can't put it into words.

Friends, I ask you to pray with me. I have a feeling we're getting close, and one of these days, he's going to swing one way or the other; he's going to let go. Let's just hope he sides with the right team.

Life Goes On...

So. My friend Dustin and I (You've probably seen Dustin stalking my facebook. ;] lol) were just having a discussion about life and friends and how it's hard to get kicked out on your own. And I said, well, the nice thing about life is that it goes on. And Dustin had this great analogy that we built upon, and we came to the conclusion that life is like a train. You can pick WHICH train to get on, which direction you're gonna go with your life, but once you're on it, you're on. You don't control the speed or the ultimate destination, just the direction. And you can choose where to sit, or what to do while you're on the train, but ultimately, the final destination is up to the conductor. Sometimes it's gonna be scary, and it's gonna seem like it's just totally outta control. There's gonna be some long, hard winters. But again, we can take heart, because life has seasons, too. It can't rain forever. Eventually spring will roll around. We can't possibly be grateful for what we have now if we can't see where we've been. The Spring wouldn't be nearly so lovely if we didn't know how miserable winter could be. Otherwise we'd just complain during the spring rain, instead of acknowledging that it's got nothing on winter storms, and taking advantage of the beauty of the rain and the thunder and the lightning. Just like I couldn't possibly be grateful enough for what I've found here in Dickinson if I hadn't been miserable before.

And so I guess take heart. No matter how disastrous the moment seems, the train WILL keep on rollin'. The world will keep turning, and when you make it out of the tunnel, you'll be able to look back and see where you've been, and see what God has brought you through, and be able to appreciate the things you have now, in this moment, all the more...

xoxo,
Erika Rose <3

On conditions of heart and body....

So, I've had a couple issues on my heart lately.

The first is my devotions. I've tried really hard to make a point of doing devos every morning, but half the time, I couldn't even tell you what I read that morning. In which case, I'm just wasting my time! What's the point of doing devos and trying to spend time with God if I'm not allowing it to change my life. It would probably help if I was making time to read my Bible, too, instead of just the devo book, but I don't know where to find the time! I barely have time to do my devo book in the mornings. By the time I get up, shower, and do everything else, I just don't have time! I guess I need to start getting up earlier, but I'm not exactly a morning person, and now I seem to be on a schedule. I get up at the same time every day regardless of when I set my alarm. lol. So. I guess that's my latest assignment, because, truly, what is the point of doing devos and spending time with God if I'm not making a real, honest effort to really READ, and to allow what I read to change my life, to allow GOD to change my life, through His Word. If I'm not allowing for that, I'm just wasting my time.

The other thing on my mind lately has been purity. We put a lot on bodily purity, because that's what people see, but I think we miss a lot of times, mental purity, spiritual purity. I'm starting to realize that purity is almost an attitude, in addition to a commitment and obviously, keeping your body pure and saving yourself for marriage. But I know girls who've "saved themselves" who haven't gone "all the way" but does that mean they're virgins? I mean, yeah, they're virgins; they haven't had sex. But emotionally, spiritually, are they virgins? What's the difference between what they're doing and just doing it? It was in my devo book a while back, actually, which is probably what got me thinking about it, and it used this analogy. Two couples are at a party, and one couple is just outright having sex, and the couple in the next bedroom is doing "everything but." And so it's not like God looks down and says "Wow, look at that couple. They're sure pure." It's basically the same thing. Because purity has to be a condition of the heart, as much as a condition of the body. I feel like it almost has to do more deeply with the heart than with the body, because if you've committed adultery and had sex outside of marriage, but you come to Christ, God forgives you, and He makes you new again, in which case, your BODY is still no longer a virgin, but hopefully heart-wise and certainly spiritually, in the eyes of God, you are considered pure. And if we're looking at it that way, I guess I feel like it's almost certainly an attitude and a pledge, as much as just keeping your body "pure."

I hope that makes sense to you guys, but I guess those are just the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head this past week or so.

Much love!
xoxo,
Erika Rose <3

What is Too Late...

Talked to my friend again. I hope this isn't something I like, shouldn't be sharing on the internet, but I guess my hope is that you guys, and maybe my friend, if he reads this someday will know my heart on the issue, and you guys, as brothers and sisters in Christ, are joining me in prayer.

We had another interesting conversation today. I asked him about how he keeps saying he's a terrible person but he's not really ready to make a change? And he said he has fun, but on the other hand he wants to change before it's too late. It's interesting to me the battle going on here.

Sin holds so tight to a person. It's so hard for a person to walk away from a habit, from a sin that seems so desirable. But on the other hand he knows what he needs to do. He just hasn't done it yet. And I asked what's too late? And he told me Jesus' return...or I die, which the way I live could be soon. That's sad to me. I can't imagine not having the assurance that if I died, I would go to Heaven. What a scary thing.

He's so close to wanting to find GOd, and yet so far at the same time. I know he has to be struggling, and it's really sad. He's fighting with God, and I have to hope that he lets God win.

But when is too late? I guess to my way of thinking, now is too late...Who knows what the next moment will bring?

Be Still and Know That I am God

Be Still and Know that I AM God.

How often do we really take time to be still? How often do we even really take time to acknowledge God? I know I don't do it nearly as often as I should. But the part that's really striking me tonight is the part that I think maybe we miss more often, even, than being still. I think we miss KNOWING that God is God.

How comforting is it that God tells us we can KNOW He is God? How comforting that we don't have to think or believe, or hope, or feel, we can KNOW, beyond the shadow of a doubt. God is. He is Alpha, Omega, Beginning and End.

I think often times we put God in a box. I think, to a certain we can't really help it, because we are finite people trying to understand an infinite God. Even so, we have a tendency, I think, to forget that God is God. We box Him in with our circumstances, we forget that He stays the same, regardless of where we are in life. We think, because we feel hopeless, that God is hopeless, or a lost cause, instead of realizing that He is our ONLY hope, our ONLY cause, regardless of where we are in life.

SO I guess today, I'd just encourage you to take a moment and remind yourself that God IS God, regardless of anything else in life. He is God.

PS

This is like, my song for my friends.



I love Tenth Avenue North. I'm finding that they have a lot of music that puts words to exactly all the things that I feel and think, about life, about God, about people. I'd encourage you to check them out. This is just one of the numerous good songs. =]

I Love Sundays...

True story. Sundays and Wednesdays. Two favorite days of the week. Although admittedly, I love Fridays and Saturdays, too. ;] But Sundays and Wednesdays are like, my two check points in the week, two days that I KNOW I'll have time to spend in the Word, with God, and with His People. It's a time for me to evaluate myself and my life and my intentions in prayer, like our pastor has been talking about.

Pastor Tim has been doing this incredible series on prayer, on the power of prayer and the heart of a believer. He's been talking about how God is faithful to hear the prayers of the believer, and that we ought to pray always, without fainting or growing weary, and we talked about the parable of the Persistent Widow today, in Luke 19, and how if the unjust judge will listen to persistence, how much more so will God, who is just, and who does care. It's been really cool to me, but he's been talking too, about the heart of the believer, and the intentions of the believer. Do we pray to God like He's just a magic genie so He can grant our wish, or do we pray with a genuine heart and concern for HIS will, with the knowledge and peace that HE knows better, that He will answer as HE sees fit? Do we pray earnestly "Not my will, but Thine, oh God?" That's been hitting me hard. I don't pray nearly as often as I should, considering what a privilege it is. Considering the image of us entering the Throne Room of God, it's sorta humbling. When I approach Him, do I do so with the correct amount of awe and fear, in addition to the love and trust? Do I acknowledge ALL parts of Him, the part that is God of the Universe, Who hung the stars in the sky, in addition to the friend and the father who picks me up when I fall? And when I pray, do I really give it over to God and ask Him to do with it as He will, or do I ask him to do with it as I will? It's just been a really interesting study on prayer. I've been loving it.

I've been so awed by the community of believers I've found here. It's something I've never had before, at least not to this extent, and ESPECIALLY not of kids my age. It's been cool to realize that I'm not the only teenager in the world striving to live for God and follow His will for my life. It's freeing in a lot of ways because I finally feel like there's a community of people who will be there for me and pick me up when I fall. It's just been so amazing, and such a blessing, and I hope and pray that I'm a blessing to that community the way they are to me.

I was seeing today, too, one of the kids from my youth group. We were singing...well, I'd never heard it before, but this kid from my youth group had a hand up in praise. Normally this is something I'd consider really "charismatic" but I guess I'm kind of getting used to it, and it was cool to me, because I felt like this kid was so genuine, so given over to his faith. It was just cool to me and kind of awe inspiring, and I realized how attractive that is, to see faith in a person. I don't even particularly like this kid, I mean, I love him to bits, but I don't like like him, you know what I'm saying? But it was just super attractive to realize how genuine he is about his faith. I feel like we are so lacking this day in age in teen disciples of Christ, and especially of Christian guys who are willing to lead a Christian family, who are striving after God. It seems like I may even have read somewhere at some point, in Salvo magazine, maybe, that there genuinely ARE less guys living for the Lord than girls. Maybe I'm making that up, so don't quote me, but I'm PRETTY sure I'm not just pulling that outta my hat. ;] lol.

And I've been thinking about and realizing how peaceful I am with where I am in my life. God is pressing it upon my heart today that I am thankful. Which I guess it is the season. =] But I'm thankful for all the people I've been meeting, through school and through church, and I'm thankful for friends, and I'm thankful for my sister and brother in law for letting me live with them, and I am SO thankful for parents who were listening to God and who were willing to let me go when He told them to, even though I don't think it was particularly what any of us expected or wanted at the time. It was right, though. God knew what He was doing. I feel like even my worst days here are so much better than the normal days in Wibaux. I'm not gonna say the worst days here are better than the best days in Wibaux, because I had good days in Wibaux, and I have fond memories, and that is what I will hold on to. The good memories I have of the place and of the people and there will always be an attachment.

It's sort of weird, because a year ago, if you asked me where I'd be in fifteen years, there wouldn't have been any hesitation. "I'll be back in Wibaux, working the farm and my horse business, whatever that might be." And then there was the phase when I started to realize that maybe God wasn't going to put me back in Wibaux, and it was kind of devastating and terrifying. It was something I'd been so sure of all my life. The first few years outta high school were going to be turbulent and crazy and I had no idea where I was going to be, but the end result was always back in Wibaux. Now....well, I don't think that's the case. At this point in time, I don't think God wants me back in Wibaux. And I'm okay with that. In fact, I don't particularly even wanna go back! Of course, if that's where God calls me, that is where I will go. Hopefully with no hesitation. But at this point, I really don't think that's where God wants me. I don't know where He IS going to send me, at this point, and like I said, maybe He WILL send me back to Wibaux, but I don't think so. And if He does, I will be okay with it, because I've seen God's faithfulness in my life. I've seen His hand of guidance and I've felt His presence, and I've seen how God works ALL things for the good of them that love him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) I know that wherever God sends me, even if it's hard, it's going to be something wonderful, and more than I ever could have expected or imagined for myself. Like the move to Dickinson. Terrifying, hard, seemingly impossible, but in the end, right, and wonderful, and I know part of that wonder is simply in being where God wanted me to be. It's being inside His will, resting peacefully in the palm of His hand, instead of beating against His fingers trying to get Him to let me go, which of course, He never will, because He's God.

That's sort of an interesting picture, isn't it? Imagine with me for a second...God holds us in the palm of His hand, yes? And we who believe in security of the believer believe He never ever lets us go once He's holding us. But picture then, said believer, beating against the hand of God, trying to get outside of God's will, and do things his way, because, as humans, we always think OUR way is better, yes? Isn't that a funny picture? But that's essentially what we do when we try to deny God and do it our way, instead of just doing as God has told us to. I hope that makes as much sense to you as it did to me. It sort of exemplifies the silliness of trying to do our thing instead of just sitting back and letting God do His.

This has been a novel, and I promise that I'm wrapping it up, but I just have one more thing. You know the boy I've been telling ya'll about in past blogs? Well. I've been praying for him continually. In fact, story! lol. At preacher in the patch, not last night, but the night before, Ron Evitt (A preacher in the patch...oil patch, that is! [; )) was saying that in Plentywood, a woman came up to...I don't like to say represent, because that suggests that SHE could accept God for someone else, but to come and stand for someone else, in a public display of prayer for them, basically, to show publicly, as people went up to publicly receive Christ, that she was praying for someone else. And it struck a chord with me, this show before men of lifting someone else up. And again, I don't like to say show, because it makes me think of the Pharisees and doing everything for show, but to admit before men, the way the Bible tells us to. I'm not making much sense here, but I hope you guys are picking up what I'm laying down. At any rate, that struck a chord with me, and so not last night, but the night before, I went forward for this friend, to give a prayer, basically. And it was neat to see God work, because that night I had an opportunity to share my faith with this friend. I told him I was going to bed and good night and that I love him, like I do basically every night that I talk to him, and he asked me "Why?" and I said, "Why do I love you? I don't know exactly. Why does anyone love anyone else? I'm not sure it's something you can pinpoint. But I think you're an amazing person, and I don't know, I just love you." It was a lot shorter than that, of course. And he said, "Me, amazing? lol no. I'm a terrible person." And I basically just had this chance to tell him well, so am I, and so is everyone else, and bottom line is, we ALL deserve to go to Hell. And I told him that it's not that I'm some great person, it is strictly through God's grace that I am the way I am. God changed me and redeemed me. And he said "Ugh. I've changed for the worse." And I said "I don't think it's so much that you've changed as that you HAVEN'T changed. And God wants to change you. He DIED to save you." And I didn't really get a reply, and I knew he was partying so I thought maybe he'd passed out or something and I was like, "Oh, well that's brilliant." Well, I don't know why he didn't reply, but apparently he was dead sober, and so last night I asked him to just think about what I had said, because it was important to me if nothing else. It's just cool to see God working in His life, and to see God answer a prayer, I guess I feel partly because I was willing to go out on a limb. And I don't want to build myself up or anything, but I'm just trying to say that God acknowledged my prayer, and I hope the prayer of other people, too, because I've asked a bunch of people to pray about this with me. It's just cool to see God moving. On the other side of the coin, it's sort of hard, because I know part of him is breaking. And I know that it's necessary, but still, it's just hard to see someone hurt like that, to see someone who's seeking so hard, even if they don't really know it. And I can feel his pain. I've been a Christian basically all my life, but I still had to be broken before I could be useful for God, before I could be effective. And I'm thankful God DID break me then, because if He hadn't, I wouldn't have made it through this summer, and I honestly truly believe that. If my faith had been what it was when God broke me, when I was struggling, I don't know where I'd be, but my faith would NOT have been strong enough to pull me through. And so I know that if God is breaking my friend, He's doing it because He HAS to to reach him, the way He had to break me to truly reach my heart and get me on fire for Him, and I know it's for the best, but I know how much it hurts, too. But I'm okay with it, because I know if my friend allows God to work, he'll be thankful for it someday, too.

So. I'm really done now. This is CRAZY long, but it was fun to write, and I hope you enjoyed reading it. (Just remember, I certainly didn't MAKE you [; ) and once again, I'd ask you to pray. If God is breaking my friend, pray that he's willing to give it over to God in the end, that he's willing to acknowledge that God is the only One who can pick up the pieces again. And pray for me as I try to minister to him, and try to help him see God. Pray that I would have the words to say, that I would be open to God so that it wouldn't be me speaking at all, but God speaking through me.

Love you all so much, and thanks for wading through this big long blog with me. ;]

In Christ,
Erika Rose <3

xoxo =]

Tired of heavy blogs...

What can I say? I'm tired of emotional, heavily packed blogs. Time for just a normal one. I will not be sad or frustrated or otherwise emotional tonight. I will simply be. =]

So anyway, today was a pretty fantastic day. Uneventful, but good. I was super tired all day, and I don't know why, because I was asleep by 10:00 last night (Which is UNHEARD of, I might add) and slept in until almost seven today. I guess I Just need a couple more nights of that kinda sleep.

Concert was tonight. I feel pretty good about it. I think it was the best we've sounded as a choir all year, but I guess that tends to happen. So that was extremely fun.

And. Preacher in the Patch this weekend, which I'm also rather excited about, because it's always pretty great fun. It's always pretty fantastic to fellowship with other Christians. And tomorrow is my last day of school for the week, thanks to Teacher's Convention. And youth group tomorrow night which is always fab!

And. I'm really tired, so I'm gonna go to bed. But I just wanted to put something up. SO anyway, g'night! Love you all!

xoxo,
Erika Rose <3

How do you explain...

How do you explain to someone all the reasons you don't want them to drink?
How can you put into words all the stupid things they do when they're drunk?
How do you explain that you think they can do so much better?
How do you explain that you think they DESERVE better than the hangover they'll have tomorrow?
How do you explain why you think it's wrong
without filling the role of "Judgmental Christian" that people are constantly harping about?
How do you explain that you don't want them to drink because you care about them?
How do you explain all this to them when it's all they've ever known?
When it's all they've ever seen?
When they don't know another alternative?

I don't know what to do. I have been praying, and crying out to God on behalf of this kid. He parties more or less every night, and it just makes me heart-sick. He deserves so much better than what he's getting out of life.

I told him tonight that I wished he wouldn't party, and he asked me why? I couldn't put everything I wanted into a simple text. How can you put everything that's on your heart, an issue that you are SO passionate about, that you've almost literally given up life as you know it to take a stand against, into a few short sentences? I don't think it can be done. I could write a whole book about why I think drinking is wrong. There's so many logical things, arguable facts that make drinking to excess so stupid, but beyond that, there's so many emotional aches and pains that come along with drinking.

I can't comprehend a life like this. I can't understand more or less just living for the next party, and I'm not talking about one specific person anymore, but the culture as a whole. I guess just praise God that I was never that kid who had nothing else. There was always something else for me, someONE for me.

I just hope that this kid will realize that he deserves so much better, and that if he demanded more out of life than just a night of binge drinking, he would very likely get it. Anything has to be better than that.

I just don't know. But I guess I will just continue to pray and be a friend as best I know how. What else can I do at this point?

Detox

Viva and I had our first official detox ride tonight.

I had spent the last slightly less than 24 hours being counselor to some friends, worrying and praying and crying out to God (Check the Issues of Freewill Blog and you'll see what I'm talking about). It's hard, and it's a great experience, because I know it draws me closer to God. And it makes me feel useful, and needed, and we all like to feel needed sometimes. But. Let's face it. Experiences like that are exhausting, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

For a long time now, horses have been my detox for those times, my way to get a perspective, get back down to earth. Unfortunately, my previous detox horse, Vegas, is getting sort of old, and I can't really just set her into a lope for miles and miles anymore.

It takes a pretty broke horse to be a detox horse. It just doesn't have the same cleansing effect if you're trying to do training or something. But today, I just went out to the pasture and piled on Viva, no ground work or anything, and rode her back to the house. Thought to myself, "Well, I left all the gates open, so let's try it." After I got her to stop stalling up and settle into her stride, she did fantastic. Flawless. Perfect. We just walked and trotted, but she was happy as a clam, didn't put a foot wrong. Had to look at the culvert kinda cross-eyed, but most horses do. We rode to the highway and back, a good two mile trip, all totaled. It was fabulous.

It's just a reminder to me, I guess, that God is still in control, that He allows me quiet moments and solid horses to get me through the tough times. It's a way to get my world back in orbit, to get perspective, a time to pray and appreciate God's creation.

And I felt so connected with Viv when we were done. Like, I haven't felt that close to her since she was like, a weanling. haha. She was all snuggly and she was all looking at me as I walked away. I know she doesn't feel human emotions or anything, but still, it was kinda sad. =P

At any rate, it was exactly what I needed. I don't know why riding helps me straighten all the thoughts in my head and get a grip on life, but it does, and I needed that today. I feel like I got a lot of the world's evil thrown at me in a small space of time. Sometimes we just need a reminder that there is still good in the world, as well.

And once again, I'm asking you guys to pray. Nothing causes change like prayer. "P.U.S.H. Pray Until Something Happens" and I know that groups praying are stronger than just one person. I've never met someone as lost as the boy I was talking about in my last blog. It breaks my heart, and it's one of those things that is so frustrating because there's so little I can do, expect be a good friend, and pray that God will work in his life. I'm trying very hard not to worry, because I know all about worry, and I just found myself wishing I was God so I could fix it...how blasphemous is that? lol. At any rate, I've made it my goal to pray every time I want to worry.

Anyway, love you all.

xoxo,
Erika Rose <3

Issues of Free Will

So. Since last night, I've been trying to reconcile some things in my head. Namely, the image of God I KNOW to be true, a God who is perfect, and holy, who abhors sin and who comforts the weak and down trodden. For a while, I couldn't reconcile that with a God who allows a mother to beat her 9 year old daughter, who allows her boyfriend to beat her son when he steps in to make a difference. How can my loving, wonderful, perfect, all-powerful, all-knowing God allow THAT to happen? Because the "We live in a fallen world" line just wasn't really cutting it anymore.

The conclusion I came to was relatively simple, I guess, maybe because it's something I've spent so long trying to reconcile. My conclusion was, it all comes back to free will. I've struggled with that for a long time, but it explains the allowance of sin.

If God loves us enough to let us be free, to make our own decisions, it means he certainly wouldn't impose His will on a non-Christian. And I realized He wouldn't be the God I love and serve if He did. Maybe it's just my pride speaking, but I don't like thinking of myself as a puppet on a string.

I've been thinking, too, about whether praying for the salvation of a non-Christian friend imposes on their free will. The term Grandpa Zimm answered me with was "Convict, not Coerce." I liked that. The way Mom put it to me was that He sends His Spirit to convict them, but it doesn't FORCE them to accept His salvation in any way shape or form. The responsibility still rests with them.

So I guess those are my thoughts for the last little while.

And while we're here, I guess I'd like to send out another prayer request for my friend. He needs God. What more can I say?

xoxo,
Erika Rose <3

Bring the Rain

"So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise you
Then Jesus bring the rain."

This song is becoming yet another of my many anthems, I guess. I just love it. I hope that I have that kind of heart. And obviously, none of us wants God to bring the rain, but we know that life in general brings rain, and so I hope that this is my attitude -- Rain is inevitable, but it's a chance to bring God glory, and if that's what it takes, so be it.

I guess the experiences of the past summer, and not even the summer, but the past couple of years, have cemented in my mind a couple of facts.

1.) God DOES have a plan (Even when we can't fathom what it could POSSIBLY be)
2.) God WILL be glorified, no matter the outcome.

I felt for a long time like this summer's events were a complete and utter failure, and I wrestled for a long time with the HEAD knowledge that God will be glorified without being able to reconcile it in my heart. For a long time, I just didn't understand how God could be glorified in the situations that have unfolded, but I realized a couple more things.

1.) God will (hopefully) be glorified in MY life.

If I am giving God the glory, and if I am keeping my eyes on Him, then God IS being glorified, even in the midst of the storm, through me.

2.) Things are only just beginning, not the end. God will STILL be glorified.

It's sort of like "Things will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end!" We KNOW who wins in the end, and that's all we need to know.

And I've struggled for a while with what I'm supposed to do. Yet another struggle of mine has been the fact that I feel like I somehow personally failed. I feel in some ways I let my classmates down. That's probably the biggest one, but it's among others. I just feel that things have backfired so horribly that the whole dang thing is just a failure! But once again, God will be glorified in MY life, and I"m also realizing something else.

I realized that maybe my ministry in Wibaux is done. I don't know. Maybe not. If God sends me back to Wibaux, I will go. Albeit, not happily. But at least for this particular moment, my ministry is HERE, in Dickinson, and I Need to just grow where God has planted me, so to speak. I've been resting in the assurance that I am where God wants me, but I haven't been RESTING in it, you know? I've still been looking back, sort of. But I realized that maybe my experiences aren't so much to make a change in Wibaux (although I still hope and pray that it will yet bring a revival there) but maybe more that the whole thing is supposed to effect lives through the STORY, rather than the actual experience.

I guess what I'm saying is that what God's been putting on my heart is that even though for me, at this point, the experience seems over, it's not like it's no longer useful because I'm not there effecting it now. But maybe I'm supposed to use those experiences where I am. I'm hoping that God gave me these experiences so that someone else can relate to me.

It's given me answers to some of the hard questions, and it's given me an answer to give when people ask "Why do you believe what you believe?" "How do you know God exists?" It used to be I couldn't REALLY answer those. Not solidly. Not in a way that someone else would really believe. But now I can, because it's right there in my testimony. THIS is why I believe what I believe. THIS is how I know God exists, THIS is why I'm sure He cares and why I am absolutely 110% positive He has a plan for literally EVERYTHING.

And I realized, too, that I've sort of been hording my gifts and my stories. God's been putting it on my heart for a couple weeks that my ministry at this point is through my story and my music, and so I think I'm going to get a chance to share my testimony and hopefully do some praise team for church and stuff, too. =]

We talked about having a servant's heart, like I said in my last blog, and I realized that I'm always happiest when I'm serving someone else, and so I need to be using what I've been given...

This turned out to be a novel and it's probably hard to read and all over the place because I was having a hard time putting things into words, but I guess that's all for now. =]

xoxo,
Erika Rose

Intense, Incredible, Ridiculous amounts of excitement...

So. I messaged my cabin from camp this summer first, because I PROMISED them they would be the first to know, but then I jogged right on over here to post a blog about it, because I'm just THAT excited.

I finally finished the song that I've been working on since camp this summer. I've had the words finished for forever and the tune for quite a while, but I finally got around to actually getting music for it! I'm SOOO excited. It has guitar chords and everything.

Video on Facebook to follow sometime in the near future. If not tonight then hopefully tomorrow. So. Yes. That is all. I just had to post...

EDIT:

Here are the words. Like I said, video to follow.

Oh, it's titled Give it Up

You've been my friend for a while now
And I can't even tell you how
How much I've come, to care for you
But I know you're not walking in the truth
In the light of His love
Friend He loves you so much
I can't tell you how much

Chorus:
Let go of all your burdens and your shame
Because I know you feel it
My friend you'll never be the same
So give it up, give it up
Give it back to God, back to God
And just give it up

Friend I think you're searching
In all the wrong locations
The world cannot replace
God's grace
He can take away your sin
Make you new again

Bridge:
It breaks my heart o know
That if you go
You'll have nothing to show
To the Holy God, my Mighty God
Friend make Him yours
And just give it up...

Hope...

So today I have been pondering hope, and how so many of the people I know are completely and utterly hopeLESS. I think this is so sad and tragic, because hope s right at their fingertips, in easy grasp. It's like...well, I don't remember who was saying it, but someone said it, that if you seek, you WILL find, because God WANTS to be found.

I just don't know how they can live like that. There is no meaning in life to them, no point, no purpose. I can't really fathom how they live like that. I guess I was blessed enough to be born into a Christian family where I never really had those questions--well, I did, but there was always an answer right at my finger tips. I only had to ask and someone told. I think I've taken that so much for granted.

But the bottom line is, what do I do about it now? The biggest thing on my heart lately has been to pray. I've been trying to be a prayer warrior, which is super-duper hard for me, because I'm a little ADD about that sort of thing, but I know it's the best thing I can do, other than be a friend to them.

At FCA today (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) we talked about having a servant's heart; what it means to be a servant and how we apply it to our every day lives. And I had the greatest quote in my devos this morning--"God isn't looking for ability, He's searching for availability." Sort of like "God doesn't choose the qualified, He qualifies the chosen." And so I am making it my deepest effort to be a servant, and to be available to God whenever, wherever, no matter what. I want to have a servant's heart and I want to seek God, and I want to be a prayer warrior.

So I guess I'd invite you to pray with me. Pray for the people I don't feel I should mention on the internet, but who are very specific in my mind and who need God's hope and peace desperately. Pray for me, as I trudge on the journey God has set before my feet, that He would use me, that I would be an instrument He can use, clay in the Potter's hands. And know that I'm praying for you, too, whoever you are, all the people out there who read my blog.

Love you all so much.
Erika Rose

My Name is Erika...

My name is Erika Rose Scammon.
I just turned sixteen, on the first of October.
I have brown hair and hazel eyes.
I'm of average height, and pretty much just your average girl.
I love music.
I do my best to live my life for God.
I take everyone at face value.
I'm not one to worry about what anyone says about me.
Or about you, for that matter.
I'm loyal to my fault.
I'll stick up for my friends no matter what.
I can't just walk away from anything.
I'm not shy about voicing my opinions.
I don't start fights
but I will be the one to finish it.
I can't hold a grudge to save my life.
I can get along with anyone.
It's easier for me to make friends than enemies.
I believe in true love and happy endings.
I have a lot of convictions
and I stand by them pretty passionately.
I love dogs.
I have lots of random pet peeves.
It's dead sexy when guys get the door.
I have a thing for nice hands
oh, and pretty eyes.
I'm a bit of a bleeding heart.
In some senses, I'm an easy person to know
on the other hand, I keep a lot close to my chest.
I like to think I'm artsy, but I know I'm probably not.
I enjoy writing. Obviously or I wouldn't have a blog.
I love proper grammar and punctuation.
I wish that I could move well enough to be a dancer.
I don't lack in self confidence
most of the time.
I'm kinda a hopeless optimist.
I try and see the good in everyone.
I'm a hopeless romantic.
I would pretty much die before letting a friend down.
I'm running out of things to say about myself, but
this was certainly an interesting soul search. =]

I'm SIxteen...

That is so weird. Like. I'M SIXTEEN!! lol. Everyone always asked me on my birthday if I felt any different and I never did, and I don't feel different, but it's just...weird that I'm sixteen. Like, even thirteen didn't feel this weird. I feel like this is such a big step. Sixteen year olds always seemed so old and mature to me when I was younger. Now I'm one of them...hahahaha.

I'm so excited, though. I feel like I'm in such a good place right now. I guess maybe, well, no, a huge part of it is that I have the assurance that this is where God wants me. This is the right choice. There's always blessing in that, comfort. I guess I sort of feel like that for the past couple of years, it's been storm after storm, but now everything's coming right again and straightening out. I feel like my relationship with God is stronger than it's ever been, and I think having a solid youth group with other Christian kids is a huge part of that for me. It's like, these people understand where I'm at because we're all in the same boat.

I'm just feeling super optimistic. This is gonna be a good year. =]

xoxo,
Erika Rose <3

First in a While...

So, I haven't had a lotta computer access the last couple weeks.

Yesterday was Schnell, which is a park over in Richardton, and it was fantastic. I started riding a bay mare named Maddie. She decided she wanted to try and throw in a little itty bitty buck when I asked her to lope. So. I got to deal with her little fit attack. It was grand fun. I think Shayna thought I was crazy. I was just laughing so hard because it was such a half hearted attempt to buck me off. So I had grand fun with that, and then I got on Britches, who was a spazz. She was extremely herd bound, so any time her buddy Princess wandered off, she started spinning circles on me, and trying to back up, which, on a narrow trail didn't works o well for her. Once again, call me crazy, but I had fun.

Then today I got to see Viva and ride her out. It went fantastic. She's in New England, North Dakota with a guy named Parker and his wife and kids. I went out at about noon and got her saddled up and did some ground work. Then she pretty much stood tied all day while I hung out with Heather and Shane, the oldest boy, and when Parker got home, we took her out along with a gelding he's training for Heidi named Gambler. Gambler bucked pretty hard with Parker.

It was so fun to watch him. I always enjoy watching a good rider work a bronc, and I think Parker is probably one of the best riders I've ever met. Like, I think he can sit anything. Gambler kinda jumped outta no where today and Parker wasn't expecting it and it got him off balance. I thought he was gonna be gone; most people would be. Next thing I know he's dead center and smacking him with the quirt trying to get him to buck harder! lol. It's pretty fantastic. Anyway, Viva did FANTASTIC. I was so excited.

We walked and trotted. She's still learning to carry herself with a rider, and I think she's over reaching, which for all my non-horsey friends mean that she's reaching too far with her back feet and stepping on or kicking her front feet. Horses that do that can cause a lot of damage to themselves because at a trot or a canter there's a lot of force in those back feet. For instance, today, I'm pretty sure Viva caught herself today and even cut herself a bit. Hopefully that's just her learning to carry a rider and she'll sort of "grow out of it." Other than that, though, she did FANTASTIC. Didn't buck, trotted without a problem, didn't spook even when we had pheasants pop up right under her nose. We even walked over a big horse eating bridge. =D She was amazing.

So basically, today was an incredible day and I can't wait to get out and ride her again, which won't be until Thursday, unfortunately.

xoxo,
Erika Rose <3

Of Books and Homecoming and Plays

Well. Firstly. New blog!

http://erikasbooklust.blogspot.com/

It's basically just a place for me to keep track of the books I've read, so I guess if you're curious about my tastes or need ideas for books to read or whatever, I'm going to be recording at least some of them there. Maybe not all of them. ;] Or author ideas. The first post is probably going to be an author. So anyway, there's certainly no obligation to read it, but I sorta liked the idea.

Second! HOMECOMING! Ohmygoodness. It was crazzy. Went to the first half of the football game (Oh, I have to remember to tell you the story about my student pass card!) and it was close. Left at half time to go get pretty. lol. Came home and changed and Holly spent like an hour doing my hair. It was AMAZING by the time she was done. Seriously, it was incredible. Better even than the picture I had in my head! lol. Then pictures, and then I went over to meet my friend Rachel at her house, and more pictures, and then we went to the dance. It was crazy. Way more people there than in Wibaux. (Obviously) lol. Wandered around, had to shout to be heard over the music. The DJ kinda sucked at first, played lame songs that were impossible to dance to. Then it got better. lol. Truthfully, it was a pretty uneventful evening, actually. Got home at like 12:30 and then actually stayed up even later high lighting all my lines in my script!

Which leads us to my next topic. The play, East of the Sun, is going to be AMAZING!!! I'm so, incredibly excited. The blocking looks like it might be a nightmare, not to perform, but for the director to figure out! I even get a signature move, complete with amazing sound effect. ;] The props, the set, the whole thing is just going to be so so fun. I'm jazzed.

And. That's all I have for today.

xoxo,
Me <3

Half formed ideas...

There's so much going through my head right now I don't even know where to start. I guess I'd just like to start by saying that guys irritate me and are an incredible waste of time. Most of the ones I know are stubborn, irritating, they ALWAYS like me when I don't want them to and try to jump the friendship ladder, and...just...GAH! I don't even know where to begin. Why do all the guys I DON'T like fall for me? And naturally never the ones I do? I'm not so worried at this point about the guys I like because there isn't one at the moment. Still, guys liking me...talk about awkward! And irritating and it always makes me feel bad because I Just feel like I'm gonna break their heart. Guys are so incredibly stubborn. And now I'm going to freak my mother out. =P I speak truth, though, there's no worries about me in getting into any kind of trouble with guys because 90% of the time, they just make me angry. =P

In other news, I don't know how many of you guys watch America's Got Talent, but you may have heard of Prince Poppycock? Well. He's...absolutely terrifying. Like. Worse than Lady GaGa, and she frightens me terribly, too. But at least she doesn't dress up like a man. At least she always looks like a woman. (Despite the accusations that she's actually a man, I personally don't think so...Look at what she wears...It'd be pretty obvious.) Prince Poppycock, though (okay, this name ought to tell you something, no?) He's basically a transvestite, and I just think it's an atrocity that he is in the Top 4 of America's Got Talent. I feel like it's a symbol of what America is becoming. He even did a rendition of the National Anthem (I think? Or some other really patriotic song) along with Yankee Doodle Dandee, and it just made me want to SCREAM! THAT is representing America? THAT is what society is voting for? Way back when, he probably would have been..well, I don't know what, but I don't think he'd have gotten away with it. Certainly not happily. He certainly wouldn't have been embraced. Once again, look at what society is becoming!

I know people are going to scream at me about being "tolerant" but the fact is, I am not tolerant, and they're certainly not going to be tolerant of me. MY belief is that what he is and what he is representing is sick and wrong. I do feel a little guilt to be degrading him like this, because I know he's a person, too, and he deserves love and blah blah. I know that, I agree with it. But as I said before, HE himself has become the exact opposite of what I believe (I'm sorry I can't think of the word I'm looking for. It will hit me at 2 in the morning, I promise. lol) And I guess it's not so much HIM I have a problem with. In all honesty, I feel sort of sorry for him. I feel like that is the defining of the word "lost" in the flesh. It is the epitome of someone who is godless and lightless and, as I said, ultimately lost. But (isn't there always a "but"?) I DO have a problem with with he represents, which is totally against EVERYTHING I believe to be true (But they're not going to be tolerant of THAT belief, are they?) and I have a problem with the fact that he is representing America. That this is what your children (I can't really say OUR children, as I don't have any) and my generation is watching. That is one of their role models. To me, that's a shame.

I'll probably get in all kinds of trouble, because this is rather controversial, and someone is probably going to stumble across it and sue me. That would suck. But. I guess one thing the documentary has done for me, is that I'm not very afraid of voicing my opinion (obviously =P).

And again, I think this is more of an issue with society than it is with one person in particular. I think it's sad that society is as accepting of this as they are. He is on the Top Four of America's Got Talent, for goodness sake! This is being, not only accepted, but EMBRACED, ENCOURAGED, by society. And Once again. I think it's sad, and I think it's just yet another sign of what the nation is coming to...

SO I may have to delete this. lol. I really am kinda paranoid about a law suit now. :P (Sadly, I can actually see it happening!) but I'll at least leave it up here for a couple days and let people get a good look at it.

Also, if you don't know who I'm talking about, go look him up...I'm sure he's on Youtube. I'm sure the people reading my blog will come to the same conclusion I did....

xoxo,
Me

I Just Love Exhaustion

Not. That was a serious case of sarcasm there. Seriously. I went to bed at like, 11 last night, which was too late, but isn't TERRIBLY bad. But I didn't get to sleep until at least midnight, maybe later, and I got up at 6:30 this morning. Which I'm rather proud of myself for, I might add. I haven't gotten up later than 6:30 on a school day in the last..well, only two weeks, but still! I've been doing devos pretty faithfully, too. =] And I feel really good, as well. It's amazing what it does for you.

Exhaustion aside, today was a pretty fantastic day. I got a part in the school play, East of the Sun. Ancilla the Ice Witch. I guess the run down is this Princess (The Princess of the Long Nose, who is atrociously ugly) bribed me (The Ice Witch) into basically setting her up with the incredibly handsome Prince Nordo, in exchange for a crystal that shows the future. Then the Princess decides she wants Nordo turned into a "part-time" bear, just during the day, so none of the other girls will steal him, and he ends up running away and winds up with the heroine of the story, Raindrop (I think that's her name!) And. Well. Yeah. That's a summary of what it's about. It's an old Norwegian Folk Tale, and I actually read a book based on a similar tale called East. That book was amazing, so I think it'll be good. The play is something of a comedy, so I'm rather excited. The director informed me today that my costume will be sparkly and he wants to find a crown along the lines of what the Ice Witch in Chronicles of Narnia wears. I was excited. ;] lol

There was also the first FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes, which is just a name and is in no way for only athletes) well, thing today, I guess. They just gave out free hot dogs and burgers over lunch hour, but they meet every Tuesday, and YFC (Youth For Christ) meets on Thursdays, so I'm rather excited about that. =D I have a couple friends who go, too, so I'm pretty stoked.

Homecoming is this weekend! I'm pretty excited about that, too. I think I'm going with a couple of girlfriends. Wearing a dress of my sister's. Oh the wonders of sisters who are similar(enough) in size! lol!

And. I guess on a darker note, I've been thinking the last couple of days about society, and what it's become. Mr. Jambor, my Applied Animal Science and the FFA leader was talking in class today about how great FFA is and how it teaches values and yadda yadda. Which is great. But in a way, I kind of feel like the organizations are trying to compensate for a lack of parenting? Do you get what I'm saying? These organizations, like FFA are trying to teach ethics and some sense of moral and integrity, which don't get me wrong, I think is fantastic! But I think they're trying to make up for what is NOT being taught to America's youth in the home anymore. I think it used to be very much the parents' job to instill a sense of right and wrong, a sense of moral and a strong code of ethics in their children. Now I think schools are trying to make up for that, and they're failing. Not so much is it a failure on their part as that it's just not how things are designed. These things are supposed to be taught in the home, and in no way can a school system truly make up for a lack of parenting. Not ultimately. And I think ultimately, my generation is paying the price.

All these girls winding up pregnant or people in general with STDs, because no one taught them any different. Nobody showed them the benefits of saving yourself for marriage, or the costs of giving your body away. Nobody has tried to tell them that drunkenness is wrong and not to mention stupid, and so ultimately, the generation is reverting back to its roots: it's reverting back to the old sin nature and the desires of the flesh, and that is what society is SCREAMING it at them. Society tells us all the time that this is how things are supposed to be, this is what you need to do, even going so far as to say that there's something wrong with you if you do dare to be different. I guess I don't speak so much from personal experience, but society in general is definitely this way, there's no doubt about it. But society is made up of homes, and I think that's where America today is lacking. These kids, too, lack stability. They're parents are druggies and/or alcoholics or whatever the case may be, and they basically get shoved out on their own and get left to their own devices.

I'm having a hard time drawing a conclusion to this one. Probably because I am so tired. I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel sort of sorry for these kids who go out and party for fun, who binge drink because it's the thing to do, who have sex before they're married because nobody told them any different. Not to mention marriage itself is mocked and scoffed at these days, not to mention divorce (which just goes along with it no longer seeming sanctified) but that's a whole DIFFERENT topic that I won't get started on.

Now that I have rambled sufficiently for the day, I'm going to go...I don't know what. Maybe over to the coffee shop for a caffeine kick. ;]

xoxo
Me.

New Hearts

I don't know what I'm thinking about tonight, exactly. There's been sort of a half-formed idea rolling around in my head all day. Maybe if I start to write about it, I'll be able to really get it out.

Basically, I was just thinking today, thanks to the sermon, about how we aren't made perfect when we are born again, but we ARE given new hearts, and a DESIRE to be perfect, even though we can't possibly be on this side of Glory. And I was thinking about how we are told to strive to be holy, as Christ was holy. And the passage where Paul was talking about basically being two people, old man and new man, and wanting to do the right thing, but not doing it, and therefor never doing what he wants.

And so I guess basically, we aren't perfect, but we get new hearts that DESIRE to be perfect, and, thankfully, God's mercies are new every morning and He lets us start fresh on our journey to becoming holy. In His eyes, as long as we're forgiven, we ARE holy, because we are atoned for. Now THERE'S a cool thought. =]

xoxo,
Me

Viva Las Vegas

Went and watched Bill Hecker work my horse today. It was amazing. She was going to the right (Which is where I was having problems) and looked really good. We laid her down (sounds really inhumane, I know, but honestly, it's good for them!) and mauled her. Not literally! Just rubbed her face and sat on top of her and all that jazz. She just laid there all chill. Untied her legs and she didn't even try to get up. We had to roll her up. maybe that's not such a great thing but I thought it was a pretty good sign? Meant she was pretty chill and okay with what was going on. And then I worked her. She sent to the right amazingly, and her whole attitude was different. I asked her to back off and smacked her a little, which usually results in pinned ears and a very nasty look in her eye, but today I just got one ear flicked back (Letting me know that she was annoyed) and the other stayed glued on me. Which means that she was super focused! And she was all joined up with Bill, which was fantastic. She was like, in his pocket, but in a good way. Not really being pushy about it or like this was just the motion without REALLY being joined up. She's decided that he's herd leader. I guess they had a pretty epic battle yesterday but I think it paid off. Here's hoping, anyway. -crosses fingers- Hopefully next week I'll be taking her back to Dickinson with me. If all goes well.

One Way Streets

I'm find as time goes on that I h ave a tendency to be a bit of an enabler; that is, I enable people to make a one way street from our friendship. You see, my mom and I, and I"m sure other people too, but I learned it from my mom, have this analogy (not the word I'm looking for, I know) about friendships and streets.

Friendship ought to be a two way street, with both people giving and taking equally. Now obviously, there are times when one friend needs the other more, or takes more, but eventually it gives out. I'm not saying it needs to be exactly even all the time, because that's never going to happen, and that's not how friendship works. Friendship expects little in return, and you do it strictly because you care about the other person.

However, I have a tendency to let people make one way streets out of our friendship. And it's basically always a one way street in which I am the one moving. I am always striving to be closer, initiating the conversation, making all the effort to keep in touch. One way streets where I'm the only one who's there for the other person when I know they wouldn't be there for me.

I allow myself to be an enabler. I end up getting used. Or I end up getting blown off, because I get paranoid and then I get clingy. Or maybe it's just because they don't feel a need to make an effort to maintain the relationship because they know I'll be there anyway, whether they maintain or not.

Either way, I am an enabler, I get myself into one way street friendships, and it needs to stop, because I just find it totally irritating. The end. =]

xoxo,
Me <3

To Make a Difference...

I've been meaning to put a blog up for days, now. Obviously I'm just now getting around to it. There's so much to write. I don't even know where to start. LA Ink is on the TV, my computer is crashed and therefor I'm on my sister's computer. School has been amazing. I have to give a speech next week and write a movie review. But I'm excited. I love that sort of project. Which is part of why I love it here. Drama try outs were yesterday, but I won't know what the castings are until Tuesday. That wasn't really what I wanted to write about.

Last week, on Sunday, grandpa gave this incredible sermon, about the verses in Matthew where Jesus said "Come to me, all ye who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." He asked some great questions; what is rest? How do we get it? Rest, as Jesus was talking, is the rest of the soul, peace, no matter how troubling the times. And how do we get it? There were three things. First, we have to come. We have to come to Jesus, and allow him to take away our burdens, take away our sins, take away our shame. Jesus then proceeds on to say "Take my yoke upon you." So we have to take. And it doesn't mean so much TAKE as that we have to SURRENDER. We have to give everything we have to God, surrendering our entire LIVES to Him. And then we have to learn. We have to be willing to learn from Him, because when we learn from someone, we have a tendency to become like the person we're learning from. Isn't that what we're called to do? To be like God, to be holy.

The thing that just kept hitting me though, was the "come" part. How many people out there do I know, how many people do YOU know, who are out there, lost? How many people do we know who are searching, who desire to come, but don't even know what they're looking for; people who KNOW that they're incomplete, but who don't know WHY. I have friends who search for people to complete them, who think that people are going to complete them, make them happy. And I know someone else who parties, because they think it's fun. And maybe that's all they're looking for is a good time; I don't know. I'm not a mind reader. But I do know that they NEED God, and that they're lost. Maybe they know where to find it, and they've denied it. That almost hurts worse. I'm such a bleeding heart, and I hate seeing people hurt, and I hate knowing that they're lost...

And all of this leads me to think, what have I done? What am I doing? How much of a testimony is my life to these lost souls? Have I truly surrendered to God? Am I impacting them? Is my life, as I'm living it, a testimony, to them, and to everyone else around me? Am I different? Am I set apart? Where does God want me? What have I been called to do? Am I doing it? Am I having a positive impact on the lives of these people I care about so much?

Ultimately, what should I be doing? Am I in direct accordance to what God wants? Am I doing everything in my power to be holy? Is everything in me, every part of my heart and my soul and my BEING cleaving toward God?

Huh. Thoughts to ponder, I guess.

xoxo,
Me <3

Day Whatever...

Meep! I am so sorry! I had fully intended to get posts up the other day and I didn't. The second day was better. I wasn't as lost, and so it was better. I have to admit, the first day I was a little panicked and wondering what on earth I'd been thinking. Some of the thoughts included "Oh my gosh, who's idea was this anyway?! Why didn't I just stay in Wibaux like a smart little girl?" Day two was better. By a lot. I knew my way around a little better, and had gotten used to all of my classes. Day three was far and away the best so far. I have a pretty good idea of how to find everything now, and so it's not as totally terrifying.

First hour I have Grammar/Comp (Composition) which is English and lots of writing and essays and stuff, and, obviously, I love to write, so it won't be a big deal for me. =] Second hour I have Applied Animal Science. Which. So far has been dumb. We haltered a fake horse yesterday. yayyyy. -sarcasm- Third is choir. Choir is gonna be AMAZING. The director is incredible, and all the girls are really good. It's a sophomore girls' choir, so there's twelve of us. Sososo fun. And fourth is Speech. Which again, isn't hard, because I don't have any great fear of speaking in front of crowds. We gave an "ice breaker" speech yesterday, which was basically just like a short little speech about us. It was actually sorta fun.

Then me and Chella (Rachel Klein) and Joey and Jani (Yah-nee) the Finnish exchange student, went to the carnivala nd hung out there. Me and Rach rode the Zipper. My phone fell outta my pocket! It was a pretty terrifying experience. We were upside down at the time (obviously, or my phone would not have fallen out of my pocket in the first place!) and landed on the padded roof thing so I had time to snatch it. Cat like speed and reflexes baby, ohhhh yeah. ;] lol, jk jk. So anyway, had a grand time there, and we're planning on watching The Princess Bride at some time. I told Jani he couldn't come to America and not see that movie. Then Rachel and Joey told me you COULD. And I consented, and said you COULD, but you SHOULDN'T. I mean, come on, Princess Bride is EPIC! It has Andre the Giant in it!!!!! lol

Last night I also came back to Wibaux to work the movie theater and watch Inception. It was superly good. Go see it. =] And then Tastee Hut this morning. And then theater again tonight. And rodeo after that! Cuz Ben is riding and I'm super excited to see Heather and Sarah and catch up and stuffs.

So. I guess that's pretty much what's been going on in my life lately. Peace out!

xoxo,
Me <3

Day One: Whooooa

Well. Today wasn't REALLY day one. It was just orientation. At least for this first week I'll try and get a blog up daily to let everyone know what's going on. =]

So, like I said, today was orientation. It was...CRAZY. I was totally scared that I was gonna get totally lost, which I probably will. But I will not get lost on my way TO school. I can say that much. And I don't think it'll take long to figure everything else out. I can find most of my classes easy enough, and they do a block schedule, so there's only four classes every day for the first quarter.

This quarter I have Grammar Composition, which is grammar and basically writing. Lots of essays and stuff, I think, so it'll be fun, since we all know that I looooooovee writing. =] Second hour I have Applied Animal Science, which should be epic. I think we're going to do some hands on stuff, and next year I can do Equine Science, and I'll get to ride and stuff. So I think that will be super fun. Then I have choir, which is I guess a girl's concert choir. There's going to be sixteen other sophomore girls and I have that all year. There's also drama, which should be fun. Try outs, are like, the 31, so that's exciting. =] And then fourth I have speech. Which is basically...public speaking. Which I think is going to be really really lame, but the teacher was really really cool and nice, so it'll probably be okay.

And. They did a tour group thing, and I was a transfer, so I was in a group with the Foreign Exchange students. There's a girl from Mexico, and two guys from Hungary and Finland. They all seemed pretty cool. The kid from Hungary is a senior and the other two are juniors, so I don't have any classes with them or anything, and in this school, who knows if I'll even really see them, but still, it was pretty cool. Inspired me: I totally wanna be a foreign exchange student!! So. It's gonna be fun!

I'm excited. and. That's all, for now! More tomorrow!!

xoxo,
Me! <3

I'm a Believer...

Well. Today was an interesting day. Got a call at 7:30 that DeeDee had to go on an ambulance run, so I threw on some clothes and went out to babysit. Did that, then went back out at two. Bill came out and worked Viva. It was a very educational experience, I gotta say, and I think I might just be a believer in tying up a leg...Let me explain.

Tying up a leg involves putting a rope around a horse's neck and then literally tying up a leg. Not way up, if they put it forward a bit then can still stand on all four feet. The idea is that they can't really move, and when they kick at it, they pull on their neck, thus punishing themselves. It's pretty dandy, actually, because there's no nasty memories of you being involved in this kicking war, just them and the rope.

At any rate, Bill tied up a foot and she wandered around a bit, kicked a little, and then she got saddled. This was all old news for her, and she (She being Viva, I guess I haven't said that yet.) was pretty okay with it. Then she got roped. Which was all fine and dandy until he caught a back foot. He gave it a little tug (nothing major, just letting her know it was there) and she flipped. Much bucking and kicking and just general frivolity (baha, I like that word, even though that's not technically the right way to use it...) ensued. It was quite a rodeo. Then she finally chilled, and Bill climbed on her, and things were going great until she bucked. Not hard, or anything, although I certainly wouldn't have wanted to be the one riding it. And so she got to work some more and chilled out and then went some more. It sounds pretty bad, but it was fairly okay. Minus the bucking part. I really would've rather she didn't buck at all. Haha. So anyway. By the time Bill was done with her, I'm pretty sure Viva had a totally different outlook on life. I don't know how to explain it really, but the look in her eye was totally different. It was like, a full on "okay you win," sorta look, I guess. I don't know, exactly, but I'd never seen it before. The day ended with me climbing aboard and wandering all over the round pen. She flexed and kicked a hip and I felt like things looked pretty good by the time we were done with her. I'm rather excited now, but I guess we won't know for sure if the training sticks until tomorrow morning, when I go out to work her again.

Either way, I'm pretty sure that I'm a believer in the whole foot rope thing. ;] lol. Even if they've still got an attitude after THAT (Which by golly, they shouldn't) at least you know for sure. I think that if they're still kicky or anything after the foot rope, they're probably not gonna come around.

So. Anyway. Those are my thoughts on the day. ;] Tootles.

A pair of jeans that fit just right and the radio up...

That is the song playing on the radio right now. "Chicken Fried" by the Zac Brown Band, that is. =] It sounds dumb, but it's actually a pretty fantastic song. lol. All about the simple things in life. Yeah. It's good, okay? Just trust me. =]

Anyway. I really don't have anything to write about, but I'm sure that if I just sit here rambling about nothing for long enough, something will come to me. Or. may just ramble until I decide that it's long enough. hahaha.

Rawr. I forgot to drop stuff off in the mail before I came to Glendive. Not that it will matter much anyway, because it won't go out til Monday regardless.

OH!

Today's VOD (verse of the day):

For You have rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, and my feet from stumbling.

Psalm 116:8

I think that could be one of my favorite verses. Although. My favorite verse is still Isaiah 40:31 (I think that's it! Correct me if I'm wrong...)

For they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall soar on the wings of eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they will walk and not faint.

Definitely my all-time favorite verse. Haha.

Umm. I'm talking to my friend Rachel about going to the Baker fair rodeo, because it's a PRCA rodeo, which is professional circuit, which means it should be good. And I like good rodeos. I wanna be good. Someday...someday. lol. I'd love to do high school rodeo, but I definitely don't have a horse for it at the moment.

Hm. I got up at 8:30 today (early for me) and didn't really have anything to do allll day. Now I'm irked. Most people probably find it relaxing to not have anything to do, but I dislike it. I don't feel like I did anything useful all day today, and that bothers me a lot. Especially after just coming off of a couple days of having oodles and oodles to do. lol. I just feel like I have no purpose today. There was NOTHING to do. Gah. I'm going to the theater tonight, though. Taking tickets, I assume. =] Predators is playing. Ya'll should come and see me. And it. But mostly me. Hahaha, jk jk. Seriously, though, it looked sorta good. If you liked the original AVP especially, which I did.

But. I think I have rambled sufficiently for the day. So. I'ma sign off. And go do what I originally came here to do, which was work on my story. So. Tootles, folks. =]

xoxo,
Me <3

Of riding and horses and children....

Well. What a crazy couple of days. I have spent the last two days out at Petermann Ranch, mostly babysittng. There was six kids. Yes, SIX of them! Heckers' three kids, as well as three belonging to Bill's friend. Bill and Parker (the friend) were helping break colts, and they needed somebody to look after the kids. Well. I was it. So, I ran herd on those six kids for he last two mornings. It wasn't so bad. A really messy diaper, some wet pants, and some general ruckus whining and crying was about the extent of the excitement. =D

I ended up spending last night out there as well. Went riding last night with Heidi, and again this morning. It was a grand time. Man, it sure is pretty country down south of town. Canyons, and such. Almost like the badlands. Way fun to ride through.

And. I guess nothing terribly eventful happened. I'm now heading to bed because I still have to do devos and journal. Still, I just wanted to put something up to prove that I AM gonna keep up with this. Or at least that I haven't forgotten. ;]

xoxo,
Me

Verse of the Day

So. My verse of the day is something that I've been doing inconsistently for a while now. Usually when I was feeling down, I'd go find a verse that spoke to me and was encouraging, but I've decided I want to do something like that EVERY day. I write it on the back of my hand so I don't forget the reference. Anyway, so I figure if I start putting it out on the web, there's a little more accountability for me to keep doing it every day. So anyway. Here's today's verse.

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."

Hewbrews 10:23

"Don't Worry...Just Keep Believing"

Well. Once again. It's been a while. But I guess that's okay. I just spent some time making my blog look pretty, and I gotta say, I'm quite happy with the results. I've pretty much spent the entire day looking for something to do. I've been in an awful mood, and it was bad enough that I CLEANED!! I started with my room. Then I cleaned the bathroom. Tub, sink, toilet, everything. Then I swept the kitchen, and vacuumed the rugs. And I dusted. And then I went and drove around. And then I came home and worked on my blog. I took movies and books and stuff back, at some point. And. That's pretty much been my entire day.

I hate being in bad moods. Hate, hate, HATE them. I don't like myself, for one thing, because I feel like I'm just a twit to everyone, and it's a sucky feeling anyway.

It seems like everything falls apart at the same time. My friends are struggling, I'm struggling, there's things I feel convicted to do but as yet have not figured out how to go about doing them. I can't really help my friends when I'm in such a state of mind, and it just makes me feel worse knowing that they feel bad. If I have to feel bad, it's nice to know that at least my friends are all okay. But that's not the case. I guess such is life.

I spent some time with my guitar today. It's funny how music brings so much peace for me. I guess it's just a reminder that I've been given a gift, and I guess one of the biggest ways God speaks to me has always been through music. Probably always will be. There's just something about singing to yourself that your God is mighty to save, that we can come as we are to worship, and that His love is unending and His grace is amazing. I guess just a reminder that God hasn't lost control of this big old world, even though it feels like things are falling apart.

The time is drawing near to start making decisions, and I don't feel that I'm ready to make them, but they have to be made nonetheless, and so I will make them, for better or worse, even though I don't even want to face the idea yet. Que sera sera. What will be will be. "Don't worry...Just keep on believing." I think that's one of the most simplistic, powerful statements I've ever heard in a sermon. "Don't worry...Just keep on believing."

And so I will. I will believe that God has a plan for my friends who are struggling, for the friends who don't know Him. I will trust the fact that He loves them even more than I do, even though that is so hard for me to wrap my mind around, because I love passionately. I will trust that God has a plan for my life, whatever this coming year brings. I will trust that He will use me for His purposes, because he always receives the glory in the end. I will trust that my conviction to be more proactive, instead of just reactive, is truly a conviction, and something I need to act upon. I will trust that God will show me how He wants me to act upon that conviction, even though I don't have the slightest inkling as of now.

I will make an honest effort not to worry, because worry is sin.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:6

God tells us directly not to be anxious about anything, which is a direct commandment. Therefor, we should not worry, or we are disobedient. Also, by worrying, we try and make ourselves God. It says to God, "I think I can handle this better than You." Some of the great thoughts I was met with while at camp this summer.

And so. I will try not to worry, even though I'm a worry-wart by nature and feel a need to fix everything and make everyone feel better. My challenge, I guess, for the time being is going to be this:

Every time I start to worry about something, I'm going to pray about it instead.

And. I guess. That's all I have for today. Now that I've rambled on and on and on. Haha.

xoxo,
Erika Rose