I miss the days of innocence and bliss
When I thought I could have anything I wished
When everything was black and white
And I didn't have to read between the lines
I miss the days when everything was good
And things went like I thought they should
When I didn't know how cruel the world could be
Everything was just wild flowers and honey bees
When Mom could solve my problems with a kiss and a smile
And tell me I'd feel better in a little while
When I didn't know that sometimes people walk away
Or what it's like to feel alone at the end of the day
When I didn't know I could hurt someone
Or that they could hurt me in return
These days I feel like I don't even know the girl that is me
I know now that it's not all wild flowers and honey bees
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Little Miss Obsessive
Late night you make me feel like I'm desperate, I'm not desperate.
Oh, a little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it.
I hate that I can't get over things.
I hate that I obsess.
I hate that I worry so much. even when people tell me not to.
I hate that I don't believe it when people tell me we're fine.
I don't even want to do this, because there's so many things about myself that I hate. I could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and...well, you get the picture.
I feel like crap because it's 2 o'clock in the morning. So. I'm going to bed. <3
Oh, a little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it.
I hate that I can't get over things.
I hate that I obsess.
I hate that I worry so much. even when people tell me not to.
I hate that I don't believe it when people tell me we're fine.
I don't even want to do this, because there's so many things about myself that I hate. I could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and...well, you get the picture.
I feel like crap because it's 2 o'clock in the morning. So. I'm going to bed. <3
Do you?
You know. I don't have a lot of regrets. There aren't many events that I wish I could go back and change. In fact, dare I say there's only one even that I wish I could change? I know I've made lots of mistakes. I don't even want to count. It's...Well, let's not even go there. But the thing is, I've learned from them. But there's only one thing that I've done that I wish I could change because the lesson I learned from it wasn't worth the loss or the pain or the mistake over all.
And that is that I screwed up a relationship. I had something really good and more or less, I threw it away. I hurt someone in the process, I think. And so far, I haven't been able to fix it. And I'm terrified I won't be able to. But I'm going to try. Because to not try would be worse than, I don't know, screwing it up in the first place, I guess. So here I go. I'm going to pray like mad and hope that God will put us in a place that's similiar to where we were before, even if it's not exactly the same. I know we can't go back.
"1. Are we friends?til the end" - Do you remember that? Do you still believe it? I do.....I know I probably act like I don't, but I do, truly. This wouldn't be here if I didn't think it could work.
I know you told me not to sweat it. But I am. I guess it's something I'm good at, apparently. Worry wort. Oh well, I suppose. Don't mind me.
And that is that I screwed up a relationship. I had something really good and more or less, I threw it away. I hurt someone in the process, I think. And so far, I haven't been able to fix it. And I'm terrified I won't be able to. But I'm going to try. Because to not try would be worse than, I don't know, screwing it up in the first place, I guess. So here I go. I'm going to pray like mad and hope that God will put us in a place that's similiar to where we were before, even if it's not exactly the same. I know we can't go back.
"1. Are we friends?til the end" - Do you remember that? Do you still believe it? I do.....I know I probably act like I don't, but I do, truly. This wouldn't be here if I didn't think it could work.
I know you told me not to sweat it. But I am. I guess it's something I'm good at, apparently. Worry wort. Oh well, I suppose. Don't mind me.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Elect vs. Free Will
It's kind of ridiculous that I'm still struggling with this issue after like, more than a year. But I'm basically horrible at doing research, so I haven't really done anything about it. Cuz I fail that way. At any rate, I just came across from an old e-mail that Sarah sent me about the elect. I guess I should specify. I believe in the elect. I just don't believe that God chooses His elect. I don't think.
I can't say that I have any good argument. Because I don't really argue. I'm bad at it. I hate it. I don't debate either. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it's bad, if not maybe wrong. Because it takes the focus off God and starts being an "I'm going to prove you wrong!" thing, which then becomes about ourselves, using the cover of "religious debate." Talking about religion or Godly things or whatever doesn't necessarily make it right, I don't think. A huge part of it is attitude, and I think that when we debate, we start to develop a bad attitude toward whatever it is that we're talking about. Not to mention, VERY few people are convinced through debate. Maybe from listening to two other people debate, but NOT from debating themselves. The person who "loses" the debate just ends up completely pissed off and bitter and determined to prove themselves right. The only things sown are resentment and a bad attitude toward the whole issue. I know this from personal experience.
ANYWAY. That was really off topic. As far as the whole issue of Free Will versus Elect. You can go on and on and on about the issue, and there are verses that support both sides. As well as people who vehemently argue either side of the coin, which doesn't really help me at all. All the people that I trust are on different sides of the coin. The thing that gets me most, though, even though I haven't done much research, is that it seems to me that the idea of God choosing His "elect" completely goes against everything I know about His character. And I did actually do research on this one, because I believe that I needed to know God's character more in depth, because really, the issue of Free Will vs. Election is an issue of God's character.
He is a God of mercy, which my mom's concordance (no idea what kind it is) defines as "Compassion, pity for the undeserving and the guilty." Verses I had backing it up were Psalm 103:8 and Luke 6:36. So you could say that the "non-elect" are undeserving. But Christians are just as guilty! "For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." There's nothing to set us apart that God would choose us.
Then God is also just, which Webster defines as "Righteous or fair; impartial; upright," with the verses Deuteronomy 32:4 and Hosea 14:9, which my Dad's NAS says "right" but my NIV used "just."
Then I also had loving, which Webster even defined as "God's tender regard and concern for all human beings." ALL human beings! And didn't God so love the WORLD? The whole world, in its entirety.
I guess I did more research than I thought. I"m looking through my little notebook that I was using, and I had a study on The Beginning, too. In a nutshell, it was that God created the world perfectly, and without sin. This is what I have written.
"We assume from numerous passages in the Bible (look at anything in Proverbs, as well as Psalm 5:4-6) that God hates sin. Why would He create something he hates? He wouldn't. Not only that, but I don't think He COULD, because He is holy. (Psalm 99:9)
"So God did not directly create sin (?) So then, how did it come to be? God created something (man) that had the capacity and ability to sin. Who could bring evil into a perfect world, and cause the fall of mankind on one simple CHOICE: To eat or not to eat?
"Look at the tree of knowledge between good and evil. Isn't there a choice there? God didn't force Adam and Eve to sin. He CANNOT force us into sin because He is holy.
"If God wanted us to all be for Him by force (and He DOES want all mankind to know him (2 Peter 3:9)) why was there a choice at all? Because God didn't want to force us. He wanted us to CHOOSE Him."
Now I asked someone who was pro-Elect, and that person told me that time changed, that in bringing sin into the world, Adam and Even essentially made us incapable of choosing God. Maybe things did, but the framework is still the same, isn't it? The choice there was still essentially between God and the World, and it's the same today.
I also had a couple verses. 2 Thessalonians 2:10 says "They perish because they refused to love truth and so be saved."
- People die because they refuse to love truth....Doesn't refusal pertain to a choice?
- God didn't not ALLOW them to be saved. The way I read it, it says that had they loved truth, they would have been saved.
* The pro-Elect would tell you that they aren't capable of loving the truth because man loves darkness and yadda yadda.
I also had 1 Timothy 2:3 & 4 - "This is good and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and come to a knowledge of the truth."
- God wants ALL MEN to be saved. You can't argue that he is speaking about only His "elect." It states very clearly "all men."
1 Timothy 2:6A - "..."Who gave Himself as a ransom for all men..."
- I believe this verse basically speaks against limited atonement...
1 Timothy 4:10B - "Who is the Savior of all men, especially those who believe."
- The savior of all men...God's grace covers all men, and He saves those who believe...Not those He chooses to make believe...In Him, not like, make believe like pretending. Haha.
Anyway. That was what I had in my little notebook. I don't know why I felt a need to put that out there but please, please, PLEASE, offer comments, whatever. Reading material on the subject would be GREAT. Thanks guys. Love you!
I can't say that I have any good argument. Because I don't really argue. I'm bad at it. I hate it. I don't debate either. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it's bad, if not maybe wrong. Because it takes the focus off God and starts being an "I'm going to prove you wrong!" thing, which then becomes about ourselves, using the cover of "religious debate." Talking about religion or Godly things or whatever doesn't necessarily make it right, I don't think. A huge part of it is attitude, and I think that when we debate, we start to develop a bad attitude toward whatever it is that we're talking about. Not to mention, VERY few people are convinced through debate. Maybe from listening to two other people debate, but NOT from debating themselves. The person who "loses" the debate just ends up completely pissed off and bitter and determined to prove themselves right. The only things sown are resentment and a bad attitude toward the whole issue. I know this from personal experience.
ANYWAY. That was really off topic. As far as the whole issue of Free Will versus Elect. You can go on and on and on about the issue, and there are verses that support both sides. As well as people who vehemently argue either side of the coin, which doesn't really help me at all. All the people that I trust are on different sides of the coin. The thing that gets me most, though, even though I haven't done much research, is that it seems to me that the idea of God choosing His "elect" completely goes against everything I know about His character. And I did actually do research on this one, because I believe that I needed to know God's character more in depth, because really, the issue of Free Will vs. Election is an issue of God's character.
He is a God of mercy, which my mom's concordance (no idea what kind it is) defines as "Compassion, pity for the undeserving and the guilty." Verses I had backing it up were Psalm 103:8 and Luke 6:36. So you could say that the "non-elect" are undeserving. But Christians are just as guilty! "For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." There's nothing to set us apart that God would choose us.
Then God is also just, which Webster defines as "Righteous or fair; impartial; upright," with the verses Deuteronomy 32:4 and Hosea 14:9, which my Dad's NAS says "right" but my NIV used "just."
Then I also had loving, which Webster even defined as "God's tender regard and concern for all human beings." ALL human beings! And didn't God so love the WORLD? The whole world, in its entirety.
I guess I did more research than I thought. I"m looking through my little notebook that I was using, and I had a study on The Beginning, too. In a nutshell, it was that God created the world perfectly, and without sin. This is what I have written.
"We assume from numerous passages in the Bible (look at anything in Proverbs, as well as Psalm 5:4-6) that God hates sin. Why would He create something he hates? He wouldn't. Not only that, but I don't think He COULD, because He is holy. (Psalm 99:9)
"So God did not directly create sin (?) So then, how did it come to be? God created something (man) that had the capacity and ability to sin. Who could bring evil into a perfect world, and cause the fall of mankind on one simple CHOICE: To eat or not to eat?
"Look at the tree of knowledge between good and evil. Isn't there a choice there? God didn't force Adam and Eve to sin. He CANNOT force us into sin because He is holy.
"If God wanted us to all be for Him by force (and He DOES want all mankind to know him (2 Peter 3:9)) why was there a choice at all? Because God didn't want to force us. He wanted us to CHOOSE Him."
Now I asked someone who was pro-Elect, and that person told me that time changed, that in bringing sin into the world, Adam and Even essentially made us incapable of choosing God. Maybe things did, but the framework is still the same, isn't it? The choice there was still essentially between God and the World, and it's the same today.
I also had a couple verses. 2 Thessalonians 2:10 says "They perish because they refused to love truth and so be saved."
- People die because they refuse to love truth....Doesn't refusal pertain to a choice?
- God didn't not ALLOW them to be saved. The way I read it, it says that had they loved truth, they would have been saved.
* The pro-Elect would tell you that they aren't capable of loving the truth because man loves darkness and yadda yadda.
I also had 1 Timothy 2:3 & 4 - "This is good and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and come to a knowledge of the truth."
- God wants ALL MEN to be saved. You can't argue that he is speaking about only His "elect." It states very clearly "all men."
1 Timothy 2:6A - "..."Who gave Himself as a ransom for all men..."
- I believe this verse basically speaks against limited atonement...
1 Timothy 4:10B - "Who is the Savior of all men, especially those who believe."
- The savior of all men...God's grace covers all men, and He saves those who believe...Not those He chooses to make believe...In Him, not like, make believe like pretending. Haha.
Anyway. That was what I had in my little notebook. I don't know why I felt a need to put that out there but please, please, PLEASE, offer comments, whatever. Reading material on the subject would be GREAT. Thanks guys. Love you!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
New Story!
So basically. For anyone who's interested, I started a new story, and I thought I'd post it for anyone who's interested. NOT that anyone will be, so don't feel obligated to read it or anything, but IF you are interested, here be the link. I don't have much up yet, just the first little bit, but it'll get you guys started, at any rate.
Clicky!
Clicky!
Monday, July 20, 2009
I'm Hungry...
So I'm having a hard time thinking about anything else. BUT. I decided that I'm going to put down my list, as it is at this exact moment, of things that I want to dobefore I die. The first list is 50 Equine Endeavors, of which there are only 32. And then there are 101 things to do before I die...of which there are only 61. So. I shall give you the equine stuff first. Not that anyone's interested, but, you know.
Some of these are serious hopes and dreams and others are just kind of silly things that I think would be really fun. SO. Here we go.
1. Gallop bareback down a beach.
2. Be able to ride Viva bridleless
3. Go to the Spanish Riding School in Vienna Austria
4. Go to Chincoteague/Assateague Islands
5. Adopt and train a wild mustang
6. Give riding lessons to someone
7. Breed Viva
8. Compete at AQHA or APHA national level
9. Ride a professionally trained reining horse (check)
10. Jump five feet
11. Have Sterling (or someone) teach me to rope
12. Teach Viva to bow
13. Go to some kind of clinic
14. Get Vegas to greet me at the gate
15. Own a mini
16. Own a mule
17. Own a Gypsy Vanner
18. Own a Friesian
19. Apprentice with a professional trainer, like Stacy Westfall or Bob Avila
20. Go swimming on horseback
21. Build really nice facilities, arena, barn, ect.
22. Canter down hill (stupid, I know, but I still have not mastered this art!)
23. Go riding in the mountains with DeeDee
24. Go on an overnight campout/pack trip
25. Start a line of Quarter Horses or Paints
26. Go to the Camargue Islands (in France)
27. Photograph wild horses
28. Get my mommy to ride at LEAST once
29. Go to a 3-day event and take pictures
30. Start my own training business
31. Ride a racking horse (they're a type of gaited horse)
32. Take a course on equine genetics (Nerdy, I know, but it would be SO interesting!)
1. Go to work with Stella in Japan
2. Go to Ecola Bible School
3. Record a demo CD and send it to a producer
4. Try out for American Idol
5. Go to Europe
6. Finish a novel
7. Make a quilt
8. Put purple highlights in my hair
9. Learn to do a cart wheel
10. Go innertubing
11. Run a mile in under 8 minutes
12. Get roses from someone
13. Own a pickup
14. Fast for a day
15. Get matching rose tattoos with Melly Belly
16. Ride a motorcycle across the country
17. Own my own pistol
18. Skinny dip
19. Stay up for 48 hours straight
20.Make a Starburst chain 10 feet long
21. Have a movie n ight with Elise
22. Own a goat
23. Shoot a clay pigeon (actually shot one, not just shoot AT one!)
24. See a movie at an old fashioned drive in
25. Buy myself a lap top
26. Do a photoshoot with someone
27. Finish my piano piece
28. Get straight A's for one whole year
29. Watch the movie Titanic
30. Snuggle up with someone (a boyfriend, cough cough) while watching a scary movie
31. Go to a Nickelback concert
32. Go to a Paramore concert
33. Learn to play guitar
34. Own a bird and teach it to talk
35. Watch both seasons of the Secret Life of the American Teenager
36. Own a cowdog
37. Get my nose pierced
38. Learn to dive (another stupid thing that I still haven't mastered)
39. Own another fish
40. Write poems for all my good friends
41. Go to Newport Beach, California
42. Learn to surf
43. Swim with dolphins
44. Go to Disneyland
45. Ride a roller coaster that ACTUALLY makes me scream
46. Meet Caesar Millan
47. Learn to skateboard
48. Live a month each in 12 different places
49. Figure out the other version of the potato sack
50. Meet Stellar Kart
51. Go rock climbing with my cousin Ryan
52. Learn how to change a tire
53. Make a music video
54. Dye Sarah's hair for her
55. Come up with and execute a p ractical joke
56. Design my dream house and barn (note that I said design, not build)
57. Perform Permanent with Sarah on violin
58. Go to the World View Academy
59. Meet Del Tacket (my idol)
60. Try out for the Medora Musical
61. Go to Extreme World in Wisconsin Dells, WI
Some of these are serious hopes and dreams and others are just kind of silly things that I think would be really fun. SO. Here we go.
1. Gallop bareback down a beach.
2. Be able to ride Viva bridleless
3. Go to the Spanish Riding School in Vienna Austria
4. Go to Chincoteague/Assateague Islands
5. Adopt and train a wild mustang
6. Give riding lessons to someone
7. Breed Viva
8. Compete at AQHA or APHA national level
9. Ride a professionally trained reining horse (check)
10. Jump five feet
11. Have Sterling (or someone) teach me to rope
12. Teach Viva to bow
13. Go to some kind of clinic
14. Get Vegas to greet me at the gate
15. Own a mini
16. Own a mule
17. Own a Gypsy Vanner
18. Own a Friesian
19. Apprentice with a professional trainer, like Stacy Westfall or Bob Avila
20. Go swimming on horseback
21. Build really nice facilities, arena, barn, ect.
22. Canter down hill (stupid, I know, but I still have not mastered this art!)
23. Go riding in the mountains with DeeDee
24. Go on an overnight campout/pack trip
25. Start a line of Quarter Horses or Paints
26. Go to the Camargue Islands (in France)
27. Photograph wild horses
28. Get my mommy to ride at LEAST once
29. Go to a 3-day event and take pictures
30. Start my own training business
31. Ride a racking horse (they're a type of gaited horse)
32. Take a course on equine genetics (Nerdy, I know, but it would be SO interesting!)
1. Go to work with Stella in Japan
2. Go to Ecola Bible School
3. Record a demo CD and send it to a producer
4. Try out for American Idol
5. Go to Europe
6. Finish a novel
7. Make a quilt
8. Put purple highlights in my hair
9. Learn to do a cart wheel
10. Go innertubing
11. Run a mile in under 8 minutes
12. Get roses from someone
13. Own a pickup
14. Fast for a day
15. Get matching rose tattoos with Melly Belly
16. Ride a motorcycle across the country
17. Own my own pistol
18. Skinny dip
19. Stay up for 48 hours straight
20.Make a Starburst chain 10 feet long
21. Have a movie n ight with Elise
22. Own a goat
23. Shoot a clay pigeon (actually shot one, not just shoot AT one!)
24. See a movie at an old fashioned drive in
25. Buy myself a lap top
26. Do a photoshoot with someone
27. Finish my piano piece
28. Get straight A's for one whole year
29. Watch the movie Titanic
30. Snuggle up with someone (a boyfriend, cough cough) while watching a scary movie
31. Go to a Nickelback concert
32. Go to a Paramore concert
33. Learn to play guitar
34. Own a bird and teach it to talk
35. Watch both seasons of the Secret Life of the American Teenager
36. Own a cowdog
37. Get my nose pierced
38. Learn to dive (another stupid thing that I still haven't mastered)
39. Own another fish
40. Write poems for all my good friends
41. Go to Newport Beach, California
42. Learn to surf
43. Swim with dolphins
44. Go to Disneyland
45. Ride a roller coaster that ACTUALLY makes me scream
46. Meet Caesar Millan
47. Learn to skateboard
48. Live a month each in 12 different places
49. Figure out the other version of the potato sack
50. Meet Stellar Kart
51. Go rock climbing with my cousin Ryan
52. Learn how to change a tire
53. Make a music video
54. Dye Sarah's hair for her
55. Come up with and execute a p ractical joke
56. Design my dream house and barn (note that I said design, not build)
57. Perform Permanent with Sarah on violin
58. Go to the World View Academy
59. Meet Del Tacket (my idol)
60. Try out for the Medora Musical
61. Go to Extreme World in Wisconsin Dells, WI
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Doing Something Right
So. Maybe this is conceited or something, but I love it when people feel like crap, and they come to me, and they're like, "I hate my life." For instance a girl in my class went through some drama a while back with her boyfriend and her supposed "best friend" and like, she sent me this random myspace message, and was like, "hey, can I talk to you?" and of course, I was like, yeah, anytime. And then today she texted me about this whole court thing going on for custody, because her parents are getting divorced, and it's like. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being conceited, but it makes me feel good that she comes to me with this kind of stuff, even though it's not like we're really good friends or something. Like maybe I'm doing SOMETHING right, pulling SOMETHING off, even though I constantly feel like I'm making mistakes and screwing stuff up. It's like, I must be putting something out to the rest of the world that says, hey, she's the girl to go to when life gets sucky. And I love it. I mean, I hate seeing people hurt, but it's like, I tend to feel best about myself when I'm helping someone else out. It's like the quote I've got on my wall. "If you don't start living for other people, you will be consumed with yourself. Once you start giving, though, your emotional needs will take care of themselves." That's so true for me. It's like, the only times lately, that I honestly feel REALLY good about myself, is when I'm doing everything I can for someone else. Maybe that's really twisted, but I don't mean to make it sound like I get joy out of other people's pain, because I most definitely don't, but it's like...I don't even know. I'm just gonna shut up, now, while I"m still ahead. xD And hope that at least SOME of that made some kind of sense. xD
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Tigger and Eeyore in Me
So my mom told me once that her personality type was almost exact parts Tigger and Eeyore. (She compares the four personality types to Rabbit, Tigger, Eeyore...and Pooh? I don't remember the fourth one) She told me that she was afraid I was a lot like her, and then said "And some days, you're just bound to feel like you have two personalities!" The more time that passes, the more I find this to be true. I consistently find myself torn in 2 completely opposite directions.
The Tigger in me always wants to be happy, to look at the bright side, to go out and seize my opportunities! The Eeyore in me always says just be sad, cry a little, hang tight.
Tigger always wants to forgive while Eeyore always tries valiantly (and usually unsuccessfully, lucky for most people) to hold a grudge.
The Tigger in me always (painfully) hopes that they'll get in touch. Eeyore, ever the pessimist, (or maybe just the realist) say don't expect anything, because then you can't be disappointed.
The Tigger in me always wants to jump up and make friends while my Eeyore is always saying to let them come to me, or moping that I don't have friends at all.
The Tigger in me always tries to make excuses when my friends let me down. "I bet they're really busy, or maybe they have their phone off!" while Eeyore just says "Yep, they definitely have better things to do than talk to you."
Tigger is ever happy and self confident while Eeyore is sad, negative, pessimistic and hopelessly insecure.
I think Tigger is the one people tend to see, unless you're a really good friend, but Eeyore is the one who's usually whispering things in my ear.
At any rate, I'm sure you can see my dilemma! Some days I most DEFINITELY feel like I have two personalities!
The Tigger in me always wants to be happy, to look at the bright side, to go out and seize my opportunities! The Eeyore in me always says just be sad, cry a little, hang tight.
Tigger always wants to forgive while Eeyore always tries valiantly (and usually unsuccessfully, lucky for most people) to hold a grudge.
The Tigger in me always (painfully) hopes that they'll get in touch. Eeyore, ever the pessimist, (or maybe just the realist) say don't expect anything, because then you can't be disappointed.
The Tigger in me always wants to jump up and make friends while my Eeyore is always saying to let them come to me, or moping that I don't have friends at all.
The Tigger in me always tries to make excuses when my friends let me down. "I bet they're really busy, or maybe they have their phone off!" while Eeyore just says "Yep, they definitely have better things to do than talk to you."
Tigger is ever happy and self confident while Eeyore is sad, negative, pessimistic and hopelessly insecure.
I think Tigger is the one people tend to see, unless you're a really good friend, but Eeyore is the one who's usually whispering things in my ear.
At any rate, I'm sure you can see my dilemma! Some days I most DEFINITELY feel like I have two personalities!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Low Expectations
Is it horrible of me to really want to stop expecting things of people so I won't be disappointed? I mean, there's no room for disappointment if I don't expect anything from anyone. Don't expect him to call. Don't expect him to text back. Certainly don't expect him to text YOU. Don't expect her to come back. But I know that I'm a better person because of the expectations people have set for me.
Plus. It's not gonna matter whether I tell myself it's not gonna happen. I'll still hope. So I guess I shouldn't bother trying, because it won't change anything anyway. I'll still want them to, and I'll still be disappointed when they don't. So whatever. Screw that.
Plus. It's not gonna matter whether I tell myself it's not gonna happen. I'll still hope. So I guess I shouldn't bother trying, because it won't change anything anyway. I'll still want them to, and I'll still be disappointed when they don't. So whatever. Screw that.
Monday, July 6, 2009
How Can I Show You
How can I tell you how I feel?
How can I make it seem real?
Can you put emotions into words?
The love, the joy, and all the hurt?
How can I make you see
The deeper side of me?
Can I really put all this, what I'm feeling now,
Into a simple poem? Really? Show me how
But would I want to let you feel this low
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, you know
How can I show you such a big part of my soul?
Can I rip myself open so far and leave such a gaping hole?
To show you so much of myself
To let it all out
Where would that leave me?
What would I have left to be?
I can't empty myself that far
I can't put my heart in a jar
I can't let you into my head
So I'll just write this down and pray you understand.
How can I make it seem real?
Can you put emotions into words?
The love, the joy, and all the hurt?
How can I make you see
The deeper side of me?
Can I really put all this, what I'm feeling now,
Into a simple poem? Really? Show me how
But would I want to let you feel this low
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, you know
How can I show you such a big part of my soul?
Can I rip myself open so far and leave such a gaping hole?
To show you so much of myself
To let it all out
Where would that leave me?
What would I have left to be?
I can't empty myself that far
I can't put my heart in a jar
I can't let you into my head
So I'll just write this down and pray you understand.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Looking Forward
Basically, for ages, I've been wallowing in self pity. "Oh, I wish we were still at the farm," or "Dang I wish Sarah was still here," or "Man, I miss those days." And I've GOT to stop doing that! It's no wonder I feel like crap! I'm a malcontent! I'm always wishing for what I HAD instead of rejoicing in what I HAVE.
I was listening to Crazier, by Taylor Swift (kind of a funny inspirational song, I know) and the second verse goes something like
"I watched from a distance as you
Made life your own
Every sky was your own kind of blue."
And I decided that I'm going to be that person. I'm going to make life my own. There's also the quote from Step Up 2 (best movies ever) where Chase tells Andie, "Maybe it's not about going back. Maybe it's about being right where you are."
It's so true, and that's what I'm going to work on. I'm going to be happy with exactly where I am. I'm going to STOP looking back and wishing for a place and time that's long gone, and I'm going to START looking forward, to tomorrow, to whatever God's got waiting for me just around the bend. I'm going to trust that He knows what He's doing. =) I'm going to be happy! I'm going to stop looking at the mistakes I've made and I'm going to start figuring out how to fix the ones that I can, and I'm going to learn from the mistakes that aren't fixable. I'm going to love the day and place and time where I am now. I'm going to stop living for yesterday and start living for today and for tomorrow. I'm going to stop looking back and start looking forward, because there's little for me in my past. It's all about the future.
I was listening to Crazier, by Taylor Swift (kind of a funny inspirational song, I know) and the second verse goes something like
"I watched from a distance as you
Made life your own
Every sky was your own kind of blue."
And I decided that I'm going to be that person. I'm going to make life my own. There's also the quote from Step Up 2 (best movies ever) where Chase tells Andie, "Maybe it's not about going back. Maybe it's about being right where you are."
It's so true, and that's what I'm going to work on. I'm going to be happy with exactly where I am. I'm going to STOP looking back and wishing for a place and time that's long gone, and I'm going to START looking forward, to tomorrow, to whatever God's got waiting for me just around the bend. I'm going to trust that He knows what He's doing. =) I'm going to be happy! I'm going to stop looking at the mistakes I've made and I'm going to start figuring out how to fix the ones that I can, and I'm going to learn from the mistakes that aren't fixable. I'm going to love the day and place and time where I am now. I'm going to stop living for yesterday and start living for today and for tomorrow. I'm going to stop looking back and start looking forward, because there's little for me in my past. It's all about the future.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Friends and Music
So I've actually been meaning to do one of these. All the songs that make me think of my good friends. *nod*. So, in no particular order:
Sterling - Small Town USA, by Justin Moore, and anything by Jason Michael Carroll.
Melissa - Anything by Avril, obviously. xD
Danny - Anything by Nickelback, but namely I'd Come For You.
Brian - I'm Still a Guy, by Brad Paisley. xD
Sarah - I Wish You'd Stay, by Brad Paisley; Thunder, by Boys Like Girls
Holly - Bless the Broken Road, as sung by Rascal Flatts
Wow. the last four all have five letters in their name. More to come I'm sure, but that was just what came to me at this exact moment. =)
Sterling - Small Town USA, by Justin Moore, and anything by Jason Michael Carroll.
Melissa - Anything by Avril, obviously. xD
Danny - Anything by Nickelback, but namely I'd Come For You.
Brian - I'm Still a Guy, by Brad Paisley. xD
Sarah - I Wish You'd Stay, by Brad Paisley; Thunder, by Boys Like Girls
Holly - Bless the Broken Road, as sung by Rascal Flatts
Wow. the last four all have five letters in their name. More to come I'm sure, but that was just what came to me at this exact moment. =)
Fraught with Dangers
So. I was driving the four-wheeler home today after raking hay for my daddy, and thinking that it was probably kind of funny that I felt safer on the 4-wheeler than I did in the tractor, because I'm probably ACTUALLY safer in the tractor...you know, it's big, if I run into anything, the tractor probably wins. Unless it's like, you know, a train. Where as on a four-wheeler, I'm pretty much screwed if anything happens. Nothing above me to keep me safe, and just, yeah. Not exactly the safest things ever, right? And then I was like, but I feel even SAFER on horseback...Any horse's back, generally! Which, as anybody who rides 4-wheelers and drives tractors *cough*mydad*coughcough* would tell you are MUCH safer than a horse.
And I was like, well, you know, they're all pretty dangers. But we never really think about them being dangerous...Well, I lie. We do, but more as a "if I treat it with respect and do everything right, I'll be fine. Don't do anything stupid" sort of danger. Which is true! And then I was thinking about and I was like, You know, horses probably are the most dangerous of the three. Due to the whole brain factor. You know, even if you're using them right, sometimes they spazz out anyway, and you get hurt, no matter how "right" you're doing everything. And then I was like, well, it happens with tractors and four wheelers, too. It's why they're called "accidents." No matter how careful you are, sometimes things just go wrong, and it's totally weird and uncalled for, but it happens.
So then I was like, so wow, everything I do is dangerous! And I was kind of laughing to myself and was like, "You know, I bet the city people wonder (Well, when they think about us country bumpkins, anyway) how we survive! Everything we do is dangerous!"
And then I decided that the city has it's own kind of dangers! I mean, seriously, do you ever hear of anyone getting murdered or raped in a small town? NO! That only happens in the city! Then again, there's also so many people in the city that the odds of you being singled out are about one in a million, but, STILL! It's a danger! Plus, more cars, thus an increased chance of car crashes and yadda yadda.
So I've basically decided that life is fraught with dangers, no matter where you go, and that everyone it just used to their own kind of danger. My dad thinks that tractors are a lot safer than horses, but I would be inclined to say that horses are safer than tractors...A person from the city would instantly tell you that BOTH tractors and horses are TERRIBLY dangerous, and no one should EVER go near them while proceeding to crawl into their car and drink alcohol, so basically, we all live dangerous lives. Mwahahaha. Isn't it great living on the edge?
P.S. I had to look up "fraught" to make sure I was using it right, cause I'm all cool and OCD like that. I am. xD It means "lots of, or loaded with." Just for the record. xD
And I was like, well, you know, they're all pretty dangers. But we never really think about them being dangerous...Well, I lie. We do, but more as a "if I treat it with respect and do everything right, I'll be fine. Don't do anything stupid" sort of danger. Which is true! And then I was thinking about and I was like, You know, horses probably are the most dangerous of the three. Due to the whole brain factor. You know, even if you're using them right, sometimes they spazz out anyway, and you get hurt, no matter how "right" you're doing everything. And then I was like, well, it happens with tractors and four wheelers, too. It's why they're called "accidents." No matter how careful you are, sometimes things just go wrong, and it's totally weird and uncalled for, but it happens.
So then I was like, so wow, everything I do is dangerous! And I was kind of laughing to myself and was like, "You know, I bet the city people wonder (Well, when they think about us country bumpkins, anyway) how we survive! Everything we do is dangerous!"
And then I decided that the city has it's own kind of dangers! I mean, seriously, do you ever hear of anyone getting murdered or raped in a small town? NO! That only happens in the city! Then again, there's also so many people in the city that the odds of you being singled out are about one in a million, but, STILL! It's a danger! Plus, more cars, thus an increased chance of car crashes and yadda yadda.
So I've basically decided that life is fraught with dangers, no matter where you go, and that everyone it just used to their own kind of danger. My dad thinks that tractors are a lot safer than horses, but I would be inclined to say that horses are safer than tractors...A person from the city would instantly tell you that BOTH tractors and horses are TERRIBLY dangerous, and no one should EVER go near them while proceeding to crawl into their car and drink alcohol, so basically, we all live dangerous lives. Mwahahaha. Isn't it great living on the edge?
P.S. I had to look up "fraught" to make sure I was using it right, cause I'm all cool and OCD like that. I am. xD It means "lots of, or loaded with." Just for the record. xD
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