I Will March On

I am reminded today that God is faithful. That's what I need to remember. There isn't anything happening in my life that God doesn't know about. He's not up in Heaven wringing his hands and saying "Oh dear, how could this have happened?" He knows my every thought and wish and prayer, and I will trust in Him. I will trust that this will all turn out right in the end. His right, not mine. And I will remember that even if this friendship doesn't end the way I'd like it to (Well, I'd really rather that it didn't end it all, but if it does...) I will remember that it IS right. It is in God's plan for me. He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me. In a few months, a few years, this won't be a big deal. I will keep telling myself that, and I will march on. Good night, world.

Some Lyrics

So these are some lyrics that I've been working on recently. I've kinda been on a role with the whole writing thing the last couple weeks. Haha, kinda proud of myself, to be honest. It's been a while since I could write anything quality. So anyway, these are the songs I've been working on. They don't actually have music yet, just the lyrics. One of these days Sarah and I are gonna get together and collaborate and get them some music, but if you're interested, here they are.

The Rest of my Life
I watched you climb my walls
Getting to know me as you went
Now I'm watching you scramble back over
As fast as you possibly can
I'm not sure exactly what scared you
Now I'm not sure what to do
'Cause

Chorus:
I can't stand to watch you walk away
But I know it's time to move on
I can't sit around waiting on you
It's time to get on with the rest of my life

I don't know what's out there
But I'm excited to find out
It's time to jump back into the water with both feet
We'll see what's out there waiting for me

Repeat Chorus

Tag
Who knows what's just around the next bend?
I pray we can remain friends
But if not, then so be it
'Cause

Repeat Chorus



I Am Yours
I hate looking at myself
'Cause I usually don't like what I see
So it blows me away that You would send Your Son to die for me
My life is hard, but nothing like that
You knew before time that there was no going back
And

Chorus:
Now you call me Yours
I am safe, protected, wanted
I am Yours
You pulled me from the darkness, led me to the light
And I am Yours

I'm selfish, insane, a little insecure
I'm always wishing I was just a little more like her
But I'm fearfully and wonderfully made
And she might still be in the darkness from where I came
'Cause

Repeat Chorus

The light is fading fast
But I know that I will last
'Cause I know I am Yours



There Hardly Ever Is
Change is good, something to be embraced
At least that's what I keep telling myself
Trying to keep on my brave face
I know I've changed, too
I know it isn't only you
But it's hard to see what you've become
Since you won't talk to me

Chorus:
I hate the distance that's come between us
And I wish there was an easy fix
But if you want to know the truth
There hardly ever is

Life throws curve balls at us all the time
And we just find the will to survive
Trust that someday the sun will shine
Even though it's hard to find it now
There is a silver lining, even to this cloud

Repeat Chorus

Tag:
All my problems seem larger than life
Without you here by my side
But I guess it's time to say goodbye

Repeat Chorus

Obligation is the stupidest word ever....

I HATE the word obligation. Well, no, I don't. I don't mind obligation. Like my obligations to go to choir every day. But I hate when people feel that it applies to them concerning me. Like when people feel obligated to call me. When, really, they're not. I couldn't care LESS whether they called or not. Well, I probably could, but still. I'd honestly rather they didn't call at all than simply calling out of obligation. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I guess because I want to feel like my friends are actually friends, rather than just friends because they feel "obligated" for whatever reason.

And just for the record, if you're reading this, think how degrading it is to wonder if you're just calling because she told you to. Not because you just want to talk to me, or even because you're BORED (although I gotta say, that one bothered me a bit, too. I'm just the object that keeps you from being bored? Like a game of cards or a computer? Yeah. Thanks.) Still, I hate that you just call when someone tells you to.

And you know, who knows. I may be blowing it way out of proportion. Maybe you don't feel obligated at all and you really did just call because you wanted to, but where does the fact that I even have to wonder put us? I'm not as bothered as I sound, I promise. You can do whatever you freaking want and it's certainly no skin off my nose. But for future reference, don't call out of some stupid save the world complex obligation. It drives me up the wall, and honestly, now be ready for this, because the truth hurts, but I really don't NEED you.

Gah. The teenage years. Although, I'm starting to wonder, does stupid stuff like this really end when you get out of the teens? I mean, I used to think so, but I gotta admit, I'm not really so sure anymore. lol. It's like that saying. "Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional." Huh. Thought for the day, I guess. <3

Golden Birthdays and Caramel Macchiatos

So this is a little thing that I started in Barnes and Noble while I was in Bismarck this last weekend. You all may feel no desire to read it, but if anyone's interested, here it is. It's currently titled Golden Birthdays and Caramel Macchiatos, for lack of a better title, and I'm sure you'll see why if you read the first chapter. ;) I don't have any specific plotline, but I've gotten a long ways in just a couple of days, so hopefully it'll stick. *crosses fingers* anyway, here goes. Blogspot won't format it all pretty like Word Processor, and I don't think it indented anything, either, and I'm too lazy to go through and do it, so you'll just have to bear it. haha. sorry dears. <3 anyway, here it is. Golden Birthdays and Caramel Macchiatos.


Chapter One
Jericho


I stared at my blank laptop screen, taping my finger impatiently against my coffee cup. I was settled in at the little local café, and they had free Wi-fi, thus the attraction to the place. My caramel macchiato was half gone, and I was still waiting for inspiration to hit. I had read once that if you sat around waiting for the inspiration to write, you would never get anything done. I agreed full heartedly, however, how was one supposed to write without inspiration?
I took another sip from the macchiato. I didn’t particularly like the taste of the drink; however, it was loaded with caffeine. And that was required. I couldn’t get anything done ever without my caffeine fix. Yes, I was, and still am, actually, a bit of an addict.
I sighed, the fingers not wrapped around my coffee cup drumming impatiently on the table. It was a paper on angels. How hard could it be? I had all my reference books, including my Bible, piled on the little round table, and I had read all of them. All the information was in my head, and what wasn’t, I could find in one of the reference books. I had everything I needed…except inspiration. I hadn’t the slightest clue how to start this stupid paper; I had never been a writer.
I glanced up as a movement caught my eye. I recognized a boy from my Cherubim Theory class. He sat two seats down, and he had always seemed rather shy, but he seemed to have a pretty good handle on the class, as he was apparently acing it.
“Um, hi. You have Reuben’s 8 o’clock, right?” he asked. His cheeks were scarlet, and he had an unmistakable British accent. I smiled brightly and nodded.
“Yeah. I’m pretty sure you sit two seats down from me,” I said with a smile. “Brad, right?”
He nodded, offering me a radiant smile. “Yeah!” he said with a slight laugh. “Um, I was wondering if I could sit?” he asked, gesturing around the room. “Popular place tonight,” he said. The little café was, indeed, packed out, and, at least from my sitting position, I couldn’t see a single open seat.
I smiled and nodded, reaching forward to pull my reference books closer, out of the way, closing my laptop, and gesturing to the chair. “Have a seat,” I said.
Brad smiled again, looking totally relieved. Then another blush lit his cheeks. “I’m sorry. I can’t seem to remember your name,” he said, sounding abashed.
I offered another smile, feeling a small surge of pity for the poor boy; I had never been socially awkward. In fact, I had always been an outgoing little girl. I started up conversations with anyone from practically the moment I started talking. “Don’t worry about it,” I said. “It’s Jericho. Jericho Saunders.”
“I thought it started with a J,” Brad said.
I nodded a little. “Yeah, it’s a weird one,” I said. “People never remember my name.”
Brad nodded, looking like he felt a little better, anyway. “So why Jericho?” he asked.
I shrugged a bit. “My mom’s dying wish. I’m not sure why her heart was so set on it. I think there was a story behind it, but Dad won’t say anything.”
“I’m sorry you lost your mother,” he said softly. It struck me how proper, how grammatically correct he was. No slang, no abbreviations, no nothing. Then again, I supposed that I spoke “American” to his proper “English.”
I shrugged again. “It’s not really that big a deal to me. I mean, she died in labor, so it’s not like I ever knew her. My dad took it pretty hard, though, I guess. Everyone says it changed him a lot. Again, I wouldn’t know. He’s still a good guy, I mean it’s not like he went off the deep end or anything. He just…changed.”
Brad was gazing at the rim of my coffee cup. “I guess. It still must have been hard not having a mom around.”
“Not really,” I said simply. “I never knew anything different. How can you miss what you’ve never had?”
“I suppose,” Brad said thoughtfully. “I still can’t imagine growing up without my mother.” He nodded toward the books, apparently not fond of such heavy subjects. “Working on Reuben’s paper, eh?” he asked with a slight smirk.
I groaned. “Yeees,” I mumbled. “It’s killing me. I’ve never been a writer. Researcher, yes, definitely. Writer, not so much.”
He laughed. “I’m the exact opposite. I love writing, I hate trying to do research.”
I shook my head. “Are you crazy? Writing is the hardest part. Research is easy! It’s all just plain facts!”
Brad laughed again, and I noticed he had dimples, the adorable kind. “Hardly,” he said simply.
I sighed dramatically. “Apparently you’re just hopeless.”
“I think you’re in more trouble than me. You can do all the research you want, but if you don’t have the paper in by next Friday you’re dead meat.”
I groaned again. “I know,” I said. “I so hate writing.”
He shook his head in a rather amused manner. “Well, if you need help with it, let me know.”
I smiled brightly. “I just might do that,” I said.
He leaned back in his chair, and you could practically see him tense up. What an interesting fellow. Apparently he was even more awkward with new people than I had originally thought. And he wasn’t one for silences.
“So where did you grow up?” I asked, genuinely curious, but trying to get him to calm down a bit as well.
He smiled a little. “Manchester, England,” he said. “You?”
“Aberdeen, South Dakota,” I said easily, trying not to show him how impressed I was by the fact that he was foreign. After all, it wasn’t anything I hadn’t already known. He had an accent!
“So we’re both a long ways from home,” he said with a slight smile.
I shook my head. “Not so much for me,” I replied. “My mom grew up in the Washington Oregon area, and most of her family is out here, my grandparents and aunt, namely. My dad used to send me out here every summer to stay with Aunt Harriet, so I’m pretty familiar with the area. We’d always come up here to Cannon Beach and explore the tide pools and stuff. Aunt Harriet’s kind of my mother figure, I guess, and this area was always kind of a second home for me,” I explained. “I’ve been planning to come here to Ecola as soon as I was out of high school since I was like, six,” I added with a slight laugh.
He nodded thoughtfully. “So where is your Aunt Harriet from?” he asked curiously.
“A little town called Stevenson. It’s up by the Columbia Gorge.”
He shook his head. “Can’t say that I know it. Then again, I’m not particularly familiar with the area.”
I laughed a little and nodded. “You wouldn’t be. So what brought you from England to Oregon?” I asked curiously. “Why Ecola?”
The expression on his face changed, and I knew instantly that this was an unwelcome subject. “I just needed to get away for a while,” he said stiffly.
“Far away, apparently,” I mumbled under my breath.
“Pardon?” he asked.
I shook my head quickly, glad that I didn’t blush easily. “Oh, I was just talking to myself,” I said, but I thought I probably looked a little too guilty. I moved quickly to change the subject. “So how old are you?”
He smiled a little, and I breathed an inward sigh of relief. “I thought that was a rude question to ask?”
I laughed and shrugged a little guiltily. “It was the first thing that popped into my head,” I replied.
Brad just laughed, and again, I was relieved. I couldn’t quite get his size figured out. One second he was awkward, the next he was open and chatty, and the next he was throwing barriers up left and right. I didn’t think I’d ever met such a mercurial person. “Well, I turned nineteen in August. Yourself?”
“I’ll turn nineteen on…the nineteenth of November,” I said with a grin. “Golden birthday.”
He gave me a curious look. “Golden birthday?” he asked curiously, obviously unfamiliar with the custom.
“They say that the birthday when the day of the month and your age are the same is your golden birthday. So like, if your birthday was the twenty-ninth, the year you turned twenty-nine would be your golden birthday. Mine’s nineteen.”
He nodded, though he still looked a little puzzled. Still, I didn’t know how to elaborate. It was no wonder I was a horrible writer. I was bad at articulating my thoughts. Bradley, on the other hand, seemed to me to be a very articulate person.
I had to admit, my curiosity was aroused by this mercurial English boy, so far from home and apparently brimming with secrets. I couldn’t help it. The fact that he was good looking, with curly, nutmeg brown hair and blue eyes with long lashes, and those dimples! I couldn’t get over those. Not to mention he was tall, at least six feet, and of a sturdy build. I liked the looks of him, and I liked his personality. Or at least, what I had seen thus far, which, I have to say, wasn’t much. Usually I was better at bringing people out of their shell on the first conversation. Still, Brad was very unlike anyone I had ever known.



Chapter Two
Bradley

I had to admit, I hadn’t been sure the girl would be so open. I had seen her in class, sure, but I had never exactly been an outgoing person. In fact, I was especially awkward when it came to social situations. I was the bane of my parents’ existence. I couldn’t stand social gatherings. In fact, when I was young, I would get panic attacks before big parties. It drove them crazy, but I couldn’t help it. Luckily, it was something I had outgrown, at least to an extent, with age.
I found Jericho to be a particularly easy person to be with. She was perhaps one of the most open people I had ever met, very bubbly not prone to making judgments. Or at least it certainly seemed that way. She was also easy to talk to. Neither of us realized the time until the manager’s voice came over the intercom and announced that it was nearly closing time. Being part of a mostly college town, the little café stayed open until midnight for the college students cramming, like Jericho. I was pretty sure it had been eight when I came in. Four hours had flown by.
“Do you think I could have coffee again with you sometime?” I asked, feeling shy again, and wishing that I hadn’t been so cursed. My eldest brother, William, was a lady’s man. Still, Jericho seemed innocent in a way that Will would have loved, and taken direct advantage of. I shuddered to think of a person like Will interacting with Jericho.
She was smiling at me and digging in her bag, and came out with a planner. “Don’t laugh!” she exclaimed, seeing the amused expression on my face. “I live and die by this thing, alright? My life would spin out of control if I didn’t keep it handy. It’s the only way I manage to keep track of my school schedule and everything else besides!” She was flipping through the pages, apparently until she came to the month of October. “Ugh,” she huffed. She mumbled something under her breath that sounded like, “Stupid work.” Then she spoke to me. “I work every night this coming week. What about next Saturday?” she asked.
I nodded, trying to think that far in advance. I was sure I didn’t have anything going. She dug around in her purse again and then grabbed my hand, flipping my palm up and beginning to write on it. I found out that night that my palm is especially ticklish. “Don’t twitch!” she scolded lightly as she continued to write. When she finally gave my hand back, I examined what she had written. “Jericho” was written in happy little girly letters, and, below that, a phone number. “That’s my cell. Give me a call if something comes up and that doesn’t work for you or anything like that.”
She was writing in her planner, I assumed putting in that we were meeting.
“Can I call you just to call?” I asked, surprised at myself. I was never so forward.
Jericho’s gaze jerked up, fixing me with emerald green eyes in a look that was totally surprised. I felt a moment of panic as I wondered if I had been too up front. Then she smiled an absolutely dazzling smile that nearly took my breath away. “Well sure, if you want to,” she said with a slight grin, flipping the planner closed and shoving it roughly into her bag again. “Don’t be offended if I don’t answer though,” she said. She grabbed her lap top and began to shove it into its case. “I’m almost always doing something, so it’s nothing personal.”
I couldn’t help but examine her as she bent over, concentrating on getting a rather stubborn laptop into the case. She had flame red hair that curled in neat ringlets, and that peaches and cream complexion. Her skin was as smooth as glass; my sisters would have killed to have her skin. They were always fighting acne and uneven sun tans, but Jericho didn’t have a single blemish on her face. She had a cute little button nose and rose petal colored lips. The most entrancing thing about her, though, was her mobile green eyes. They were the exact color of emeralds, and somehow they reminded me of the sea. Perhaps it was their openness. There were no walls in her gaze; what you saw there was exactly what she was feeling, be it anger or sadness or joy. There was also a depth to them, as if her eyes really were the window to her very soul. I couldn’t help thinking of her as a beauty, but perhaps a wild one. Not the type at all who liked to be told what to do, but instead marched to the beat of her own drum.
She was getting to her feet, and I quickly followed. “I’m really glad you came over, Brad,” she said. Her voice was totally genuine; there was nothing in it to suggest that she was just conforming to social niceties. “It was cool to meet you. I’m looking forward to Saturday.”
I smiled a little. “Me too,” I murmured, falling into step beside her as she walked toward the door. I quickly stepped in front to open it for her. She looked a little surprised, then flashed me that grin and I realized just how badly I wanted to see it again.
“Shall I walk you to your car?” I asked.
For some reason, this seemed to amuse her. “Sure,” she responded with a smile. She dug around in her bag for a moment, pulling out a set of car keys on a horse head key chain. She clicked the automatic lock, and the lights of a little gray/blue Nissan Ultima flashed. I stepped forward quickly, again opening her door for her. She slid in with another little smile, sliding the key into the ignition before turning to me.
“Thanks again for the great evening, Brad,” she said sweetly. “I really enjoyed it. And I guess, if all else fails, I’ll see you in Reuben’s 8 o’clock, right?”
I grinned and nodded. “I’ll be there,” I responded, and gently pushed her door closed. Oh, I would have climbed mountains to make Reuben’s 8 o’clock.


Chapter Three
Bradley

Professor Clyde Reuben was, shall we say, a rather portly man. He was the jovial sort of person who would have played Santa Clause, and, indeed, he had. He had been married for fifty-three years, before his wife died of cancer a few years ago. He had two children, a son and a daughter, and five grand children, two boys and three girls. I knew all this because he had told us a little about himself the very first day of class. He was, perhaps, my favorite professor, an easy going man, but quick witted. And a genius. He was the leading authority on anything angelic. Whatever you wanted to know, from the archangels to the seraphim to the cherubim, Professor Reuben was the man to go to.
I slipped into his class five minutes early on Monday morning, settling into my usual seat. The class started filling in. I kept my eyes open for Jericho, but I didn’t see her. I had nearly given up hope when she came rushing in, her feet skidding inside the door just as the bell rang.
“Punctuality truly is an art, my friends. Some of you have it naturally.” I wasn’t sure, but I thought perhaps he looked at me as he spoke. “Others, like Miss Saunders and myself, have to learn it. However, Jericho, my dear, I assure you, it is an art well worth learning.”
Jericho looked up from rummaging around in her bag, a blush heating her cheeks. I hadn’t seen her blush before. “Yes, sir,” she responded promptly, flashing a sheepish smile before continuing to dig in her bag. A slightly panicked look crossed her face, and then relief. Apparently she had found whatever she had been looking for, because she came out with a notebook and a pen.
She looked harried today, in a way that she hadn’t last Friday at the café. I couldn’t quite explain it. Perhaps it was the slightly wild look in her eyes, or the way curly cues stood up in her hair at random, giving her a frazzled, rather strained appearance. Perhaps it was just her whole demeanor.
She closed her eyes and drew a deep breath before popping them open to fix her eyes on the board Professor Reuben was already beginning to write on. She glanced down and wrote something on the page. I couldn’t help thinking what a funny critter she was. She was so organized, what with her planner and her little notebook for keeping notes, and yet, at the same time, so unorganized. She seemed to have to dig through that bag, (which, I might add, to all appearances seemed bottomless) for everything. It apparently had no organization or rhyme or reason. Things seemed to just get dumped inside, and she dug through for it when she needed it later. I had never met anyone quite like her before. Then again, I had never met anyone quite like a lot of the Americans I had met. They seemed a totally different breed from the rather stiff Englanders I had grown up with. Still, it was a breath of fresh air and I certainly wasn’t complaining. I was finding America rather to my liking.
The class went by quickly. It always did, it seemed. Reuben’s was perhaps one of my favorite classes. There was something about the man that I liked, from his personality o the way he taught, I just got along with him well. It wasn’t long before we were all filing out of the room, though, and I found Jericho walking next to me. She seemed to hardly even notice. She was rummaging around in her bag, yet again.
“Jericho?” I asked, suddenly shy and unsure all over again.
She flashed a brilliant, rather strained smile. “Hey, Brad,” she said brightly. “I’m sorry, but I’ve really gotta fly…” she trailed off, rummaging in her bag again and striding off down the hall.
I stopped dead, not entirely sure what to make of the whole situation. She had been so friendly on Friday, but now she was totally aloof. I wondered if she was just busy, but I couldn’t help feeling a little self conscience, wondering if it was that she hadn’t liked me as much as she seemed to have on Friday night. Who knew what was going through her mind? I realized with a slight start that she might just have been acting. She seemed like the sort who could have done whatever she wanted.
I wandered down the hall slowly, sifting through my thoughts and feeling a little unsure. There wasn’t a time in my life that I could remember feeling just totally comfortable in a place, where I wasn’t trying to conform. Even here I was still trying to figure out the ropes, though I was certainly more comfortable than I had been back in England. Still, I had thought maybe Jericho was the one who would change that. Now, though, I was having my doubts.


Chapter Four
Jericho

I could see the surprised look on Brad’s face when I blew him off. I felt horrible, but it couldn’t be helped. I had a class directly following Reuben’s, and I was running all day after that. There was a reason I hadn’t been able to get together with him until this Saturday, even though for the life of me I had wanted to fit it in sooner. Still, Saturday would probably be for the best anyway. That way there wouldn’t be any stress or time crunches for me, things I had to be back for. I probably could have squeezed him in earlier, but it wouldn’t have been enjoyable if I was always checking my watch. I hated doing that to people anyway, and I really wanted time to get to know Brad better. Time was, of course, the key word in that sentence.
I skidded into my next class and settled into my chair, relieved that I wasn’t late for this one, at any rate. I had never been punctual, but I wasn’t usually late, either. This Old Testament class was pretty basic, but I still enjoyed it. Then again, I enjoyed everything about Ecola, especially the classes.
The day seemed to drag by. Sure, I enjoyed school, but some days were just longer than others, and this was one of those days. I only had two classes on Mondays, Reuben’s 8 o’clock and the Old Testament class immediately following. From there I went straight to work. I was a waitress at a little local diner on Mondays, starting at noon and going until closing time at nine. I didn’t mind the job at all, and getting to run around on roller skates was kind of fun. Still, I was a little worn out today, although I wasn’t entirely sure why. Maybe just the fact that it was a Monday had me tired. It happened sometimes. Mondays were always the hardest day of the week.
It was a fast night at Timmy’s, leaving me running from the time I stepped in the door until I flipped the sign to closed at nine. It left me feeling drained, and I still had to help the kitchen clean up. Well, I didn’t have to, but I always did, even if I did still clock out at nine. The kitchen staff appreciated it, and they tended to try and give me at least part of the tips that I split with them, even if I wouldn’t take them. I usually found something extra in my paycheck, though, and I was pretty sure Dan, the head cook, had a word with the boss about it. I really didn’t mind staying late. The kitchen staff were mostly good people, better than the waitresses sometimes. One of the dishwashers was even in my Old Testament class, and he came in at the same time I did.
It was still a relief to step out the door and slide into my car. I glanced at my watch. It was a quarter to ten, which meant it was a quarter to eleven my dad’s time. It was too late to call my dad, but I was pretty sure my older brother would still be up. I tried to get at least one call to both my father and my brother every week, more when I could manage it, which wasn’t often. I really did keep busy. That was how I liked it.
I drew a deep breath as I turned my car on and grabbed my cell phone, pressing the number three speed dial until it rang.
“Little sister!” the answer came almost too loud, and I hurried to turn my phone down.
“Hey, big brother,” I said, grinning, despite my exhaustion.
Jude was only 3 years older than me, about to turn twenty-two to my nineteen. We had been close growing up. He had spent two years in Iraq after joining the Marines, once as a regular, and another tour as a sniper. The relief was indescribable when he came home, and, while we were tight before, we were even closer when he got back.
“How’s life?” I asked, slipping my car into reverse and twisting to look over my shoulder as I backed out of my parking space.
“Pretty good,” he replied with a slight smile that I could hear in his voice.. “Guess what?” he asked, sounding like a little kid about to give the best Christmas present ever.
“What?” I demanded, catching his excitement.
“I’m asking Katie to marry me tomorrow!”
I screamed. I couldn’t help it. “Are you serious?” I yelled, beating the steering wheel in my excitement. Katie and I had been best friends since kindergarten. She was my age, and, although it had been a little awkward when my brother first started dating her, but I couldn't have been happier for them now.
Still, I couldn’t help feeling a slight twinge of jealousy, though it was quickly suppressed. My best friend had stumbled across the love of her life without even trying. When would it be my turn? I wasn’t desperate, by any means. I wasn’t even sure I was ready to have a real relationship. Still, I was almost nineteen. I had always pictured myself being married just out of high school. Obviously, that hadn’t happened. Then again, the options were pretty limited in a small town. There hadn’t been a single guy in my high school that had any kind of faith, and certainly who was willing to drop drinking for a life of apparent “no fun.” I had always been a little on the outside because I had promised not to drink, and because of the purity ring on my left hand. I had been lucky enough to find a girlfriend who shared my faith. Katie had been my Godsend, and I hers. We had gotten each other through some rough times in high school, not the least of which when Katie’s brother nearly died of alcohol poisoning. There had been struggles and tears, triumphs and failures, but it was proving to be more than worth it.
I sighed, and Jude clucked his tongue. “What’s up, little sis?” he asked. He knew me too well.
I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see it. “Just thinking about love,” I said with a smile.
“Aw, don’t worry little sis. God’s got someone out there for you.”
“I know,” I murmured. “I’m just tired right now.
I could hear his slight laugh. “Long day, huh?” he asked sympathetically, and I wondered where in the world I had been blessed with such a great brother.
I blew out a long breath. “Oh, you have no idea,” I said with a short laugh.
“Well, go home and get some sleep, little sis. You’ll feel better in the morning.”
I smiled a little. “I know,” I said softly, and forced myself to brighten my tone. “But I didn’t call to whine about me. How are you? Where are you planning to propose?!” I demanded, bringing in a reserve of energy that wasn’t really there. Still, this time I even faked Jude out. Or maybe he was just too excited to notice. I knew I had played the right card simply by listening to him as he filled me in. He was clearly more excited about this than even words can tell, and had just been biting his tongue trying to be sympathetic about my trials. It was something I appreciated about my brother. We were both alike that way. Still, he had stepped back and let me take the pedestal more times than I cared to count, listening to me ramble on and whine and cry. It was his turn to shine.
He told me everything, down to the smallest detail. Even in my tired, half asleep state, I was happy for him. When I reached my apartment, I slowly turned my car off, grabbing my purse and locking it, tucking my phone between my ear and my shoulder as I made the way up the steps to my attic apartment and unlocked the door.
“Hey, Jude,” I said, when I was pretty sure he had finally gotten himself wound down. “I just got home, so I’ll let you go. But you better call and tell me how it goes, ya hear?!” I said, again mustering up energy I didn’t feel.
Jude laughed enthusiastically, and the sound made the effort more than worth it. “If Katie doesn’t get to you first,” he teased. We said our good byes and hung up, with promises to talk again as soon as we could.
With a sigh, I dropped the phone on the mattress that served as my bed. Part of the reason I worked so many hours was to keep this apartment. I could have lived on campus, but I liked the freedom of having my own place. Ecola had curfew which, sometimes with my waitressing gig, I couldn’t keep. I was sure there were exceptions for the kids who worked late, but it was easier not to deal with it at all. Plus, I liked the privacy of my apartment.
The place was quaint, the upper level of a house that belonged to an older couple. They had remodeled the attic for their grandson, while he attended Ecola, funnily enough, and had offered to rent it out to me since he had moved on to go to med school.
I drew a deep breath as I started to shimmy into my pajamas. I stopped dead as my phone rang. I stared at it like it was a foreign object. I was hitting the point where I was almost too tired to function. A glance at the clock told me it was only ten. I sighed picked it up, glancing at the caller ID. It was a number I didn’t recognize.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Oh, Jericho. I didn’t think you were going to answer.” The voice on the other end of the line sounded both relieved and a little nervous. I couldn’t figure out who it was. I sat in silence. “This is Brad, by the way,” the voice said.
Recognition finally dawned. “Oh, hey Brad!” I said, wondering if I sounded as phony and tired as I felt like I did. I forced a laugh. “Sorry, I didn’t recognize the number.”
“Oh, it’s fine,” he said lightly. “I’m sorry to call so late…”
“Oh, don’t worry about it,” I interrupted quickly. “I just got home from work, so you’re fine.”
“Okay,” he said, although he still sounded unsure. “Well, I was just wondering if you were okay. You seemed a little stressed out today.”
I paused. My first reaction was irritation. He had barely met me. Why was he bothering to be concerned about my welfare? I knew that was just my exhaustion talking, though, and I gave myself another moment to let the next reaction process. My next thought was “what a sweetie,” as I had known it would be.
“Oh, I’m fine,” I said lightly. “I was just in a major hurry. I’m really sorry about blowing you off like that. I know it was rude, but I really didn’t want to be late for Old Testament Studies.”
He laughed, but he sounded more relieved than he probably would have liked to admit. “It’s okay. I figured it had to be something like that. Anyway, I was just wondering if you were alright and if we were still on for Saturday?”
I smiled a little. Wow. He really was a sweetheart. “Yeah, we’re definitely still on. How about eleven a.m.?”
“Yeah, that’s perfect,” he said, sounding absolutely ecstatic. It made me smile a little, how easy it was to make his day, and I liked making people happy.
“Okay, awesome. Thanks for the call, Brad. I really appreciate it. But hey, I’m like, exhausted, so I’m going to let you go, and I guess I’ll see you on Saturday if not before, right?”
“Right,” he agreed. With another few rounds of good bye, we hung up, and I finally fell into bed, barely registering the relief of the soft mattress before I was out like a light.

blah blah blah

I am going to have Hero by Nickelback stuck in my head alllllll night. It's a good song though. Ya'll should go listen to it.

I really don't feel like blogging, but I feel like I'm getting lazy and ought to put SOMETHING up. Baha. I'm fifteen now. I don't feel any different. lol. But I still have this on top of the world high. Sort of. I'm pretty drained right now. Long day. Getting up early to go to the dentist, then helping Dad and Grandpa move cows. And I gotta say, nobody can complain to me about the cold until they've been out in 32 degrees (not counting wind chill!) moving cattle on a four wheeler. It was FRIGID. Needless to say , I'm pretty tired right now.

Buuut things still look good. Haha. I gotta say, I'm a little skeptical. I don't really expect this little high to last. Hope it does, but don't really expect it, and I'm not really sure what's gonna happen if it wears off. SO we're all going to pray that it doesn't, yes? Bwahaha.

We're headed to Bismarck this weekend. I'm so stoked to go shopping and just BLOW this town. Haha. I'm so excited to just be getting out of Wibaux for a while. Like, I LOVE this town, but I'm just getting sick of it. Getting away for the weekend will be lovely. Annd I think I'm putting in my last few shifts at the Hut on Wednesday and Thursday. I'm sure I'll put in some time next week or whatever, but that's okay. It'll be kind of sad to see it close, but it's kind of a relief in a way, too. One less thing that I need to worry about. I'm going to try really hard not to overload myself this year. I'm already dropping praise team, unless they need me, and it'll be nice not to have to worry about work until next spring, too. I won't have to go back until AFTER basketball is over, which is a relief. I can't imagine trying to keep up with basketball AND work. It would be impossible. It exhausts me just to think about it. xD lol

Speaking of which, I gotta say, I am REALLY excited for basketball. It starts in..Oh my gosh, like, almost a month. It is CRAZY how fast this year is flying by already. Like, I feel like I just started school. How is it October? It seems like when I was little the time between the beginning of school and my birthday just DRAGGED by. Now it's like, Christmas is practically upon us! AH! Now I know why my mother starts Christmas s hopping in July. HA HA HA. I love my mother.

At any rate, that's pretty much all that's going on with me these days. Annd. I'm gonna go do some math, so that I'm not behind tomorrow, and hopefully do some Bible Study. And then I'm off to bed.

xoxo
Erika Rose.

Looking Up

Well, first I had looking FORWARD, and now we're looking up. Haha. The last couple of days have been great. I can't even tell you exactly why. They just have been. It's been a long time since I've felt this good about myself and life in general. Not EVERYTHING is going my way, but when is that ever gonna happen? If we're hoping for perfection, we've got a long time to wait. They are pretty close, though. AT least for the moment. No, I'm not being pessimistic, I'm being realistic. All the homecoming stuff is going down this weekend, so we'll see what happens. I might be pretty frazzled by the time it's over, but, you know, hey, it happens. That's life. For now, I'm really excited about the coming weeks. Time is already flying by. I can't believe it's already almost the end of September. I turn 15 in...oh my goodness, five days! Haha. It's the first I've counted in like, forever. Then just one more year and I'll be sixteen. It's almost freaky. But at any rate, youth group's been going really really well. I'm so stoked. It's like, the high light of my week, and not just because my parents are doing it. I mean, I suppose it would bother some kids to have their parents teaching their youth group, but I absolutely love it, and I know the other kids do, too. I think it's definitely going to be a good year. I'm really excited, and things are DEFINITELY looking UP. =D

A Novel. =D

I am sosososososo hyper right now, and I have no idea why, but I love it! Hyperness is the best feeling ever! I probably drive other people CRAZY but it's so fun for me!!!! Let's all bask in my joy, shall we? LOL. Anyway, this is the first time I've had any desire (or time) to come near blogspot in basically FOREVER, but here I am, back again! I just can't stay away from the whole writing thing. It must be an adiction.

So basically I sounded totally depressed in the last Blog that I did. Which, I might have been. I don't know. Right now I'm so on top of the world that the word "depressed" isn't even in my vocabulary, BUT I gotta say that letting go IS really freeing. Hard as...well, never mind. But HARD. I'm still bad at letting go, and yeah, the whole thing is still frustrating, and yeah, I worry about it, but just having that weight lifted off my shoulders is a HUGE relief. I finally decided that I have more than enough on my plate at the moment to try and be worrying about helping someone who may not need help at all, and, at any rate, clearly doesn't WANT my help. If they don't want me around, then so be it. It's not something I can change or fix, no matter how hard I try, and I have other things that really need my focus right now. It's not really fair to everything else that I have going, my school work and the volleyball team, namely, to be wallowing about things that I can't change.

It's always so much easier to say that in hind sight. A couple weeks ago, I couldn't have said that. I really am a sucker for punishment, I guess. It's almost like I LIKE the burden. There are days that it's too heavy, but for some weird, masochistic reason, I like it. I think...maybe, it has something to do with feeling needed. I feel like if I feel a need to help someone then I must be needed, and everyone wants to feel needed. The truth is though, eventually it gets to crushing point, and then it's not so great anymore. But by then, I feel like, well I've carried it this long, now I'm obligated.

Huh. I never really thought about it so much. It's weird how, through writing these, I've gotten to know myself better. Maybe it doesn't make any sense to you guys, but it sure makes sense to me!

I have to say that I got a really good piece of advice today. From a kind of unexpected source. I made a comment about everyone being really crabby today, and this person told me, "Just smile." And I've decided that I let the moods in a room affect (affect or effect?! GAH! Now I'll have to go look it up!) me way too much. I mean, there's a point where you need to be like, sympathetic and everything, but I start letting other people's crappy moods bring ME down. And I don't have to do that! Wow! This is such a freeing day for me! lol. I don't have to let people drag me down! Again, I think it's one of my obligation, save the world things again. But it's like, there's this girl in my class who I swear never has a bad mood, and she is so amazing to be around. Like, in Twilight (random, I know, but I do have a point, I promise!) there's this character, Jasper, who feels emotions and can manipulate them, but he's always attracted to like, a happy emotional climate. And real people are, too! Happy people are just attractive, and no matter how bad you're feeling, you're just DRAWN to those people. It's like, they're nice and refreshing to be around, especially when everyone else is in a bad mood.

SO my conclusion, my thought for the day (or night?) is that I'm just going to be happy, and even if I'm not, I'll just smile! OH! There's another thing! (so much for wrapping this up! haha) I let other people drag me down when they're feeling all crappy, but I'm noticing more and more that I do have some really...well, the word that comes to mind is something I probably shouldn't say, but I'm sure you all know what I mean! and if you don't...well, if I say mother dog, does that help? So anyway, I have some insert word we're all thinking of here tendencies. One of which is that I tend to be in bad moods all too often. I'm going to make it my goal to be a happy person! But then I also rain on other people's parade when I'm in those icky, black moods! And that has absolutely got to stop. It's not fair at all, not to mention, it's not the image I want to put off. So, be happy, and just smile.

BUT I'm still not done. Haha. Sorry. But hey, nobody's making you read this, right? haha.

The OTHER thing that I've kind of been thinking of is how much I really do live by songs that pertain to my life or however I'm feeling right now. I've listened to these 2 songs repeatedly over the past couple weeks, like, more than I usually listen to a given song before getting sick of it, and I'm still not tired of these songs. There's something about being able to relate to a song, I think. Like, it's nice to know when you're in a bad mood or you're sad or something, that you're not the only one who's ever felt this way. No one likes to be alone.

NOW! I think I am finally done! I'm going to go dance or something, because I am still just off the walls, but I love you guys! Love the world! AHHHHHH! *dances off*



Oh, and P.S. it's effect. =P

The End of My Rope...

Wow. This sucks. I'm at the end of my rope, and I hate it. I don't know what to do about the situation anymore. My last ditch attempt was pretty much an epic failure and I am completely out of options. I have prayed about this and prayed, and prayed. Now I have hit the end of my rope, and I guess this is where I let go.

I think that this is definitely something I struggle with: letting go. I suck at it. I'm such an independent person, and I have my stupid save the world complex, and I'm bad at just giving it to God and letting Him do His thing.

Now I don't have any choice. I hate feeling helpless, but I guess when we hit the end of ourselves, God takes over. He manifests His strength in our weaknesses. I have nothing left and so I have to let Him work it out and to rest in the confidence that God works ALL things for the good of them that love Him, and are called according to His purpose.

So yeah. I'm lost and frustrated and feeling a little hopeless, but I WILL rest in God's security. What else can I do? I hate the situation, I hate that it's come to this. But I guess I've done the best that I can and hope that it made the right effect.

I hope you know that whatever happens, we are still friends. I told you that nothing in this world will change that, come Hell or high water, and I meant every word.

"So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me."

Counting My Blessings.

So. I was going to clean my room. And then start on my Inductive Study Bible. But. I decided I was going to do this first. I want to take the time to count my blessings. Maybe I'll print it out and hang it on my wall. I don't know. But I want it to be a reminder to myself, and maybe to someone else, too, to be thankful for what I have, even when times get hard.

1. My Parents - So. Definitely at the top of the list are my parents. They are the most amazing people I know. Throughout the trials of the past weeks, they have stood strong, my dad especially. He has always been, and will always be, my rock. And my mom. Well, I love her more than anything in the world. Who else would get up when they couldn't sleep at 3 in the morning to read my Blogspot and then proceed to write me a letter on her thoughts on Election vs. Freewill, just so maybe she can help me find the answers I'm seeking. No one but a mother, I think.

2. My Friends Sarah. Danny. Brian. Melissa. Jen. I seriously don't know what I would do without these guys. Sarah is the one who lets me rant and rave, but most of all, who gets it, even where others might misunderstand. Danny, my other rock. Haha. The one who gives me perspective and reminds me that, no, my world is not falling apart, even though sometimes it feels that way. Brian. The one I know I can turn to if I ever need anything. I'm sorry we don't talk as much as we used to, but you are a blessing nonetheless. Don't ever forget that. Melissa. The one who's always been there. I'm so excited about whatever's coming for us. Jen. The one who got me into horses. The one who's always up for whatever I want to do. I know there are probably others that I'm forgetting, so please, don't take offense or anything. You're amazing.

3. My Family So these guys are probably underappreciated, but my sister, my brother, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles. I know we don't keep in touch all that much, but I know you guys are there, and I can't tell you how blessed I feel to have been raised in the family that I was, where faith and hope and love are all strong.

4. Church, and of course, all the people there. I seriously love my church. There's no where else that I get the shivers when I listen to the music, and it's where I most often take time to sit back and think, and listen. To evaluate my life and think about how the Bible applies to me, personally. And the people are incredible, too. There is such unity there. It's amazing.

5. Music So I know this probably sounds dumb, but I Don't think it is. And when I say music, I don't just mean the gift of music, the fact that I can sing or play piano (although I really can't) but music in general. For the songs that reach out to me and speak to me. Music has always been my forte, and I think it's always what I'm most open to. I think I probably feel closest to God when I"m singing, or listening to someone else sing. There are so many messages within music. I feel blessed anytime I hear it.

6. Horses Namely of course, Vegas. That poor horse has seen it all, and she has always been there for me. She doesn't like it sometimes, but she is. No one else on earth can give me wings the way she does. There's nothing to give me perspective like a good long bareback run. It's a haven for me, a place to get away from the crazyness of life and get things back into perspective again. A place for me. I seriously don't know what I would do without those equines.

7. The Little Things Honestly, I'm thankful for the little things. Like the roof over my head and the cell phone in my pocket and the iPod that's currently in my purse. My sight and my health, the health of my family and friends. I know it sounds goody-two-shoes and all, but I don't think people think about the little things in life.

8. Mercy If there is one thing that has stuck with me from church, it is that God's mercy is new every morning. I cannot get over that. That no matter what I've done the day before, I wake up in the morning and God allows me to have a clean slate. Yes, I might still have to deal with the consequences of yesterday's actions, but God allows me that mercy, that grace, that strength and courage. It's awe inspiring, isn't it?

9. Jacob Moore I know this is crazy, but I am so thankful for that little boy. That whole family, really, but Jake is a miracle in the flesh. Every time I look into those big blue eyes or watch him look at me and go "HI!" I remember that miracles DO happen. He is like, a living reminder to me of God's faithfulness, and of the power of prayer.

So usually people do ten. But. I'm running out. Well, I know I'm not, but these were the ones that came to mind. So I'm just going to leave it as is. And remember that "God works all things for the good of they that love Him, to them that are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

I can Feel the Pressure...

So life sucks. People don't realize sometimes how hurtful words can be. And I wish that we could all just move on. But I know it'll take a while. Still, I'm so sick of hearing about it. And and and. I wish he'd been there.

Prayer Request

Okay, guys. I'm breathless as I write this. It was so heavy on my heart that I ran all the way home from church. (Not THAT far, but enough to leave me breathless)

I have a prayer request for you guys. For a long time now, (several years) I've had this dream of going on a missions trip. The first year, I was too young, and in the two years (or however many) since, things have just come up, and it never really went through. However, this is something that's been on my heart for a long time. Usually things don't stick with me. I'm a very whimsy person. I want something on a whim, and then it passes. This hasn't. It's stuck with me.

I had always planned to do this through Brio Magazine, which was produced by Focus on the Family. You see, every summer, they staged a mission trip to various places, usually in South America. Things fell through with Brio, apparently, and they're currently working on getting things switched to Kor Ministries, as opposed to Focus on the Family. As a result, the magazine stopped going out, and the whole missions trip dream was, I guess sort of forgotten, shifted to a back burner, as happens so often.

I have no idea what Brio will be like now that things are changing. I believe that the missions trip was usually done through Focus on the Family, not actually by Brio, but I haven't looked yet. However, this is something that, despite being forgotten for a season, I believe has been put on my heart, with, I think, a stronger desire than ever before. We had some missionaries in, people from Ecuador, and it inspired me all over again, made me want to do this all over again.

So I'm asking you guys to pray. For guidance, for both me and my family, as we consider, and, if this is truly what God wants me to do (and I sincerely believe He does: like I said, I don't hold on to things like this for THIS long!) that He will open doors. That I can find a company to go through, and simply, like I said, that doors will open. Also, if this isn't what God has in mind (and it may not be, as the doors have yet to open, although I don't believe that means they WON'T) that I can get an answer, that I will feel peace, that I will know.

You guys are amazing. Thank you so much. I'll for sure keep you updated on the whole situation. =D

Much love,
Erika Rose

I Love

I love it when you're singing this song that you've been asked to sing. And you're not really feeling it. Sure, you can sing it, but you're having a hard time getting the song. And then you pray about it, and the song just absolutely grips you, and you feel it down in the very deepest parts of your soul. I love that, when a song grabs hold of you like that, and pulls you into the message.

And then the fact that I have been absolutely blessed with the ability to sing, so that I can give that message to other people, so I can give them the emotion that a song makes me feel, that I can show them what a song means to me. It is such a huge blessing, and all I can find myself thinking is "Why me, Lord? Why do I have this gift?" And from there, "Help me use it. Keep me humble."

It's kind of a heady feeling to get in front of other people. All I can hope is that I don't get carried away with it. Keep me humble.

We Struggle...

We struggle and we struggle, and we fight and we fight. We wrestle with God, and with ourselves, and with each other. And then there comes a point where we reach the end of ourselves, and all the fight goes out of us, and we feel drained and empty and we wonder what's left, and then we realize that in the end, all we needed all along was to give it back to God. To trust in His promises, to remember that He works everything for our good. And still, even resting in those assurances, we want nothing more than to fight it, than to struggle to make things turn out the way we feel they should, no matter how hard we tell ourselves we have to stop fighting, but we continue. And so it goes on and on and on....Does it ever end?

Dogs Truly Are Man's Best Friend

So. I was kind of frustrated this morning. And I came home from drivers ed and my dog is just laying on my bed. He picks up his head and kind of looks at me, and when I lay down next to him, he just plops his head back onto my arm. We stayed that way for a good half hour, and he didn't even look up when my dad went out the door, which is really unusual. Keai loves going out to the farm with my dad. I think he knew I needed him.

Dogs have that way about them. They know what we need, and sometimes they help us even when they don't really mean to. Keai didn't really mean to help me out. He was just laying there, killing time. But just in being there, he was a comfort. I think it's that they're so unassuming. Life's problems don't matter to them, they have no concept of grief, not the way we do. Even so, when you're crying, and they just give you this look, you know they're trying their darndest to understand, even though they can't really wrap their minds around the concept of anything other than the body being in pain. And they're there. Unassuming, not requiring anything. Around people, you have to talk, you have to do stuff, there's expectations. Dogs, and animals in general, but particularly dogs, they let you just be. Be you, be free, be whatever you're feeling that you can't let anyone else see.

Horses are second to none on my list of favorite animals, but there is no doubt in my mind that it's my dog that is my best friend.

I Wonder...

So. I was thinking today about the Christy Miller books because I loaned them to a friend of mine, and like, I loved them, because from the very beginning, you knew Christy and Todd were meant for each other. And sometimes I would get really frustrated because Christy would be an idiot and go after some other guy, but I didn't mind, because I was pretty sure that I knew the ending.

I wonder if that's how it is with God. The whole time we're living our lives, he has this little smile on his face because he knows how that part of the story is going to end. Like, I wonder if he feels like I did reading about Christy and Todd, only even more satisfied in bringing a couple together, because really, I was only reading the story. I didn't have any say in the matter.

Do you suppose God feels emotion? I mean, obviously he does, because it makes him sad when we sin, and he was angry enough with the people of Noah's time to destroy the world by water. So I suppose it's not bad to compare our measly human emotion to him, is it?

So I had to Laugh today....

So. I get all dressed up for the movie, right? Like, my hair is all done up and my makeup is on, and I'm wearing a pair of (my mom's) high heeled boots. And then I get a call from David, who's stuck in Buffalo, SD (haha, Sterling) because one of the company trucks had a roll over, and he's gonna be stuck down there for who knows how long. So he calls about five thirty or so, wondering if I'll go out and throw his horses some hay, and so of course I tell him I will. Sooo, I take off my mom's boots, because I know she'll kill me if I get them dirty, and change into my DC's, because they're sitting right by the door, and scoot out to the four wheeler. So I'm going down the road, and about to take this turn by the rest area, and there's this guy pulling a trailer, so I take the turn kind of wide so he's got room to get the trailer around the corner, and he just LOOKS at me!

And finally I realized that I probably look totally ridiculous. I'm all dressed up, looking all classy (is it stuck up to say that about yourself?) and city-slicker-ish, on this grungy four-wheeler that's got dirt and mud over everything, and taking the turn wide enough for the trailer. Kind of ironic, right? LOL. Gotta love the small towns.

Wild Flowers and Honey Bees

I miss the days of innocence and bliss
When I thought I could have anything I wished

When everything was black and white
And I didn't have to read between the lines

I miss the days when everything was good
And things went like I thought they should

When I didn't know how cruel the world could be
Everything was just wild flowers and honey bees

When Mom could solve my problems with a kiss and a smile
And tell me I'd feel better in a little while

When I didn't know that sometimes people walk away
Or what it's like to feel alone at the end of the day

When I didn't know I could hurt someone
Or that they could hurt me in return

These days I feel like I don't even know the girl that is me
I know now that it's not all wild flowers and honey bees

Little Miss Obsessive

Late night you make me feel like I'm desperate, I'm not desperate.
Oh, a little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it.

I hate that I can't get over things.
I hate that I obsess.
I hate that I worry so much. even when people tell me not to.
I hate that I don't believe it when people tell me we're fine.

I don't even want to do this, because there's so many things about myself that I hate. I could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and...well, you get the picture.

I feel like crap because it's 2 o'clock in the morning. So. I'm going to bed. <3

Do you?

You know. I don't have a lot of regrets. There aren't many events that I wish I could go back and change. In fact, dare I say there's only one even that I wish I could change? I know I've made lots of mistakes. I don't even want to count. It's...Well, let's not even go there. But the thing is, I've learned from them. But there's only one thing that I've done that I wish I could change because the lesson I learned from it wasn't worth the loss or the pain or the mistake over all.

And that is that I screwed up a relationship. I had something really good and more or less, I threw it away. I hurt someone in the process, I think. And so far, I haven't been able to fix it. And I'm terrified I won't be able to. But I'm going to try. Because to not try would be worse than, I don't know, screwing it up in the first place, I guess. So here I go. I'm going to pray like mad and hope that God will put us in a place that's similiar to where we were before, even if it's not exactly the same. I know we can't go back.

"1. Are we friends?til the end" - Do you remember that? Do you still believe it? I do.....I know I probably act like I don't, but I do, truly. This wouldn't be here if I didn't think it could work.

I know you told me not to sweat it. But I am. I guess it's something I'm good at, apparently. Worry wort. Oh well, I suppose. Don't mind me.

Elect vs. Free Will

It's kind of ridiculous that I'm still struggling with this issue after like, more than a year. But I'm basically horrible at doing research, so I haven't really done anything about it. Cuz I fail that way. At any rate, I just came across from an old e-mail that Sarah sent me about the elect. I guess I should specify. I believe in the elect. I just don't believe that God chooses His elect. I don't think.

I can't say that I have any good argument. Because I don't really argue. I'm bad at it. I hate it. I don't debate either. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it's bad, if not maybe wrong. Because it takes the focus off God and starts being an "I'm going to prove you wrong!" thing, which then becomes about ourselves, using the cover of "religious debate." Talking about religion or Godly things or whatever doesn't necessarily make it right, I don't think. A huge part of it is attitude, and I think that when we debate, we start to develop a bad attitude toward whatever it is that we're talking about. Not to mention, VERY few people are convinced through debate. Maybe from listening to two other people debate, but NOT from debating themselves. The person who "loses" the debate just ends up completely pissed off and bitter and determined to prove themselves right. The only things sown are resentment and a bad attitude toward the whole issue. I know this from personal experience.

ANYWAY. That was really off topic. As far as the whole issue of Free Will versus Elect. You can go on and on and on about the issue, and there are verses that support both sides. As well as people who vehemently argue either side of the coin, which doesn't really help me at all. All the people that I trust are on different sides of the coin. The thing that gets me most, though, even though I haven't done much research, is that it seems to me that the idea of God choosing His "elect" completely goes against everything I know about His character. And I did actually do research on this one, because I believe that I needed to know God's character more in depth, because really, the issue of Free Will vs. Election is an issue of God's character.

He is a God of mercy, which my mom's concordance (no idea what kind it is) defines as "Compassion, pity for the undeserving and the guilty." Verses I had backing it up were Psalm 103:8 and Luke 6:36. So you could say that the "non-elect" are undeserving. But Christians are just as guilty! "For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." There's nothing to set us apart that God would choose us.

Then God is also just, which Webster defines as "Righteous or fair; impartial; upright," with the verses Deuteronomy 32:4 and Hosea 14:9, which my Dad's NAS says "right" but my NIV used "just."

Then I also had loving, which Webster even defined as "God's tender regard and concern for all human beings." ALL human beings! And didn't God so love the WORLD? The whole world, in its entirety.

I guess I did more research than I thought. I"m looking through my little notebook that I was using, and I had a study on The Beginning, too. In a nutshell, it was that God created the world perfectly, and without sin. This is what I have written.

"We assume from numerous passages in the Bible (look at anything in Proverbs, as well as Psalm 5:4-6) that God hates sin. Why would He create something he hates? He wouldn't. Not only that, but I don't think He COULD, because He is holy. (Psalm 99:9)

"So God did not directly create sin (?) So then, how did it come to be? God created something (man) that had the capacity and ability to sin. Who could bring evil into a perfect world, and cause the fall of mankind on one simple CHOICE: To eat or not to eat?

"Look at the tree of knowledge between good and evil. Isn't there a choice there? God didn't force Adam and Eve to sin. He CANNOT force us into sin because He is holy.

"If God wanted us to all be for Him by force (and He DOES want all mankind to know him (2 Peter 3:9)) why was there a choice at all? Because God didn't want to force us. He wanted us to CHOOSE Him."

Now I asked someone who was pro-Elect, and that person told me that time changed, that in bringing sin into the world, Adam and Even essentially made us incapable of choosing God. Maybe things did, but the framework is still the same, isn't it? The choice there was still essentially between God and the World, and it's the same today.

I also had a couple verses. 2 Thessalonians 2:10 says "They perish because they refused to love truth and so be saved."
- People die because they refuse to love truth....Doesn't refusal pertain to a choice?
- God didn't not ALLOW them to be saved. The way I read it, it says that had they loved truth, they would have been saved.
* The pro-Elect would tell you that they aren't capable of loving the truth because man loves darkness and yadda yadda.
I also had 1 Timothy 2:3 & 4 - "This is good and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and come to a knowledge of the truth."
- God wants ALL MEN to be saved. You can't argue that he is speaking about only His "elect." It states very clearly "all men."

1 Timothy 2:6A - "..."Who gave Himself as a ransom for all men..."
- I believe this verse basically speaks against limited atonement...

1 Timothy 4:10B - "Who is the Savior of all men, especially those who believe."
- The savior of all men...God's grace covers all men, and He saves those who believe...Not those He chooses to make believe...In Him, not like, make believe like pretending. Haha.


Anyway. That was what I had in my little notebook. I don't know why I felt a need to put that out there but please, please, PLEASE, offer comments, whatever. Reading material on the subject would be GREAT. Thanks guys. Love you!

New Story!

So basically. For anyone who's interested, I started a new story, and I thought I'd post it for anyone who's interested. NOT that anyone will be, so don't feel obligated to read it or anything, but IF you are interested, here be the link. I don't have much up yet, just the first little bit, but it'll get you guys started, at any rate.

Clicky!

I'm Hungry...

So I'm having a hard time thinking about anything else. BUT. I decided that I'm going to put down my list, as it is at this exact moment, of things that I want to dobefore I die. The first list is 50 Equine Endeavors, of which there are only 32. And then there are 101 things to do before I die...of which there are only 61. So. I shall give you the equine stuff first. Not that anyone's interested, but, you know.

Some of these are serious hopes and dreams and others are just kind of silly things that I think would be really fun. SO. Here we go.

1. Gallop bareback down a beach.
2. Be able to ride Viva bridleless
3. Go to the Spanish Riding School in Vienna Austria
4. Go to Chincoteague/Assateague Islands
5. Adopt and train a wild mustang
6. Give riding lessons to someone
7. Breed Viva
8. Compete at AQHA or APHA national level
9. Ride a professionally trained reining horse (check)
10. Jump five feet
11. Have Sterling (or someone) teach me to rope
12. Teach Viva to bow
13. Go to some kind of clinic
14. Get Vegas to greet me at the gate
15. Own a mini
16. Own a mule
17. Own a Gypsy Vanner
18. Own a Friesian
19. Apprentice with a professional trainer, like Stacy Westfall or Bob Avila
20. Go swimming on horseback
21. Build really nice facilities, arena, barn, ect.
22. Canter down hill (stupid, I know, but I still have not mastered this art!)
23. Go riding in the mountains with DeeDee
24. Go on an overnight campout/pack trip
25. Start a line of Quarter Horses or Paints
26. Go to the Camargue Islands (in France)
27. Photograph wild horses
28. Get my mommy to ride at LEAST once
29. Go to a 3-day event and take pictures
30. Start my own training business
31. Ride a racking horse (they're a type of gaited horse)
32. Take a course on equine genetics (Nerdy, I know, but it would be SO interesting!)




1. Go to work with Stella in Japan
2. Go to Ecola Bible School
3. Record a demo CD and send it to a producer
4. Try out for American Idol
5. Go to Europe
6. Finish a novel
7. Make a quilt
8. Put purple highlights in my hair
9. Learn to do a cart wheel
10. Go innertubing
11. Run a mile in under 8 minutes
12. Get roses from someone
13. Own a pickup
14. Fast for a day
15. Get matching rose tattoos with Melly Belly
16. Ride a motorcycle across the country
17. Own my own pistol
18. Skinny dip
19. Stay up for 48 hours straight
20.Make a Starburst chain 10 feet long
21. Have a movie n ight with Elise
22. Own a goat
23. Shoot a clay pigeon (actually shot one, not just shoot AT one!)
24. See a movie at an old fashioned drive in
25. Buy myself a lap top
26. Do a photoshoot with someone
27. Finish my piano piece
28. Get straight A's for one whole year
29. Watch the movie Titanic
30. Snuggle up with someone (a boyfriend, cough cough) while watching a scary movie
31. Go to a Nickelback concert
32. Go to a Paramore concert
33. Learn to play guitar
34. Own a bird and teach it to talk
35. Watch both seasons of the Secret Life of the American Teenager
36. Own a cowdog
37. Get my nose pierced
38. Learn to dive (another stupid thing that I still haven't mastered)
39. Own another fish
40. Write poems for all my good friends
41. Go to Newport Beach, California
42. Learn to surf
43. Swim with dolphins
44. Go to Disneyland
45. Ride a roller coaster that ACTUALLY makes me scream
46. Meet Caesar Millan
47. Learn to skateboard
48. Live a month each in 12 different places
49. Figure out the other version of the potato sack
50. Meet Stellar Kart
51. Go rock climbing with my cousin Ryan
52. Learn how to change a tire
53. Make a music video
54. Dye Sarah's hair for her
55. Come up with and execute a p ractical joke
56. Design my dream house and barn (note that I said design, not build)
57. Perform Permanent with Sarah on violin
58. Go to the World View Academy
59. Meet Del Tacket (my idol)
60. Try out for the Medora Musical
61. Go to Extreme World in Wisconsin Dells, WI

Doing Something Right

So. Maybe this is conceited or something, but I love it when people feel like crap, and they come to me, and they're like, "I hate my life." For instance a girl in my class went through some drama a while back with her boyfriend and her supposed "best friend" and like, she sent me this random myspace message, and was like, "hey, can I talk to you?" and of course, I was like, yeah, anytime. And then today she texted me about this whole court thing going on for custody, because her parents are getting divorced, and it's like. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being conceited, but it makes me feel good that she comes to me with this kind of stuff, even though it's not like we're really good friends or something. Like maybe I'm doing SOMETHING right, pulling SOMETHING off, even though I constantly feel like I'm making mistakes and screwing stuff up. It's like, I must be putting something out to the rest of the world that says, hey, she's the girl to go to when life gets sucky. And I love it. I mean, I hate seeing people hurt, but it's like, I tend to feel best about myself when I'm helping someone else out. It's like the quote I've got on my wall. "If you don't start living for other people, you will be consumed with yourself. Once you start giving, though, your emotional needs will take care of themselves." That's so true for me. It's like, the only times lately, that I honestly feel REALLY good about myself, is when I'm doing everything I can for someone else. Maybe that's really twisted, but I don't mean to make it sound like I get joy out of other people's pain, because I most definitely don't, but it's like...I don't even know. I'm just gonna shut up, now, while I"m still ahead. xD And hope that at least SOME of that made some kind of sense. xD

The Tigger and Eeyore in Me

So my mom told me once that her personality type was almost exact parts Tigger and Eeyore. (She compares the four personality types to Rabbit, Tigger, Eeyore...and Pooh? I don't remember the fourth one) She told me that she was afraid I was a lot like her, and then said "And some days, you're just bound to feel like you have two personalities!" The more time that passes, the more I find this to be true. I consistently find myself torn in 2 completely opposite directions.

The Tigger in me always wants to be happy, to look at the bright side, to go out and seize my opportunities! The Eeyore in me always says just be sad, cry a little, hang tight.
Tigger always wants to forgive while Eeyore always tries valiantly (and usually unsuccessfully, lucky for most people) to hold a grudge.
The Tigger in me always (painfully) hopes that they'll get in touch. Eeyore, ever the pessimist, (or maybe just the realist) say don't expect anything, because then you can't be disappointed.
The Tigger in me always wants to jump up and make friends while my Eeyore is always saying to let them come to me, or moping that I don't have friends at all.
The Tigger in me always tries to make excuses when my friends let me down. "I bet they're really busy, or maybe they have their phone off!" while Eeyore just says "Yep, they definitely have better things to do than talk to you."
Tigger is ever happy and self confident while Eeyore is sad, negative, pessimistic and hopelessly insecure.
I think Tigger is the one people tend to see, unless you're a really good friend, but Eeyore is the one who's usually whispering things in my ear.

At any rate, I'm sure you can see my dilemma! Some days I most DEFINITELY feel like I have two personalities!

Low Expectations

Is it horrible of me to really want to stop expecting things of people so I won't be disappointed? I mean, there's no room for disappointment if I don't expect anything from anyone. Don't expect him to call. Don't expect him to text back. Certainly don't expect him to text YOU. Don't expect her to come back. But I know that I'm a better person because of the expectations people have set for me.

Plus. It's not gonna matter whether I tell myself it's not gonna happen. I'll still hope. So I guess I shouldn't bother trying, because it won't change anything anyway. I'll still want them to, and I'll still be disappointed when they don't. So whatever. Screw that.

How Can I Show You

How can I tell you how I feel?
How can I make it seem real?

Can you put emotions into words?
The love, the joy, and all the hurt?

How can I make you see
The deeper side of me?

Can I really put all this, what I'm feeling now,
Into a simple poem? Really? Show me how

But would I want to let you feel this low
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, you know

How can I show you such a big part of my soul?
Can I rip myself open so far and leave such a gaping hole?

To show you so much of myself
To let it all out

Where would that leave me?
What would I have left to be?

I can't empty myself that far
I can't put my heart in a jar

I can't let you into my head
So I'll just write this down and pray you understand.

Looking Forward

Basically, for ages, I've been wallowing in self pity. "Oh, I wish we were still at the farm," or "Dang I wish Sarah was still here," or "Man, I miss those days." And I've GOT to stop doing that! It's no wonder I feel like crap! I'm a malcontent! I'm always wishing for what I HAD instead of rejoicing in what I HAVE.

I was listening to Crazier, by Taylor Swift (kind of a funny inspirational song, I know) and the second verse goes something like
"I watched from a distance as you
Made life your own
Every sky was your own kind of blue."
And I decided that I'm going to be that person. I'm going to make life my own. There's also the quote from Step Up 2 (best movies ever) where Chase tells Andie, "Maybe it's not about going back. Maybe it's about being right where you are."

It's so true, and that's what I'm going to work on. I'm going to be happy with exactly where I am. I'm going to STOP looking back and wishing for a place and time that's long gone, and I'm going to START looking forward, to tomorrow, to whatever God's got waiting for me just around the bend. I'm going to trust that He knows what He's doing. =) I'm going to be happy! I'm going to stop looking at the mistakes I've made and I'm going to start figuring out how to fix the ones that I can, and I'm going to learn from the mistakes that aren't fixable. I'm going to love the day and place and time where I am now. I'm going to stop living for yesterday and start living for today and for tomorrow. I'm going to stop looking back and start looking forward, because there's little for me in my past. It's all about the future.

Friends and Music

So I've actually been meaning to do one of these. All the songs that make me think of my good friends. *nod*. So, in no particular order:

Sterling - Small Town USA, by Justin Moore, and anything by Jason Michael Carroll.
Melissa - Anything by Avril, obviously. xD
Danny - Anything by Nickelback, but namely I'd Come For You.
Brian - I'm Still a Guy, by Brad Paisley. xD
Sarah - I Wish You'd Stay, by Brad Paisley; Thunder, by Boys Like Girls
Holly - Bless the Broken Road, as sung by Rascal Flatts

Wow. the last four all have five letters in their name. More to come I'm sure, but that was just what came to me at this exact moment. =)

Fraught with Dangers

So. I was driving the four-wheeler home today after raking hay for my daddy, and thinking that it was probably kind of funny that I felt safer on the 4-wheeler than I did in the tractor, because I'm probably ACTUALLY safer in the tractor...you know, it's big, if I run into anything, the tractor probably wins. Unless it's like, you know, a train. Where as on a four-wheeler, I'm pretty much screwed if anything happens. Nothing above me to keep me safe, and just, yeah. Not exactly the safest things ever, right? And then I was like, but I feel even SAFER on horseback...Any horse's back, generally! Which, as anybody who rides 4-wheelers and drives tractors *cough*mydad*coughcough* would tell you are MUCH safer than a horse.

And I was like, well, you know, they're all pretty dangers. But we never really think about them being dangerous...Well, I lie. We do, but more as a "if I treat it with respect and do everything right, I'll be fine. Don't do anything stupid" sort of danger. Which is true! And then I was thinking about and I was like, You know, horses probably are the most dangerous of the three. Due to the whole brain factor. You know, even if you're using them right, sometimes they spazz out anyway, and you get hurt, no matter how "right" you're doing everything. And then I was like, well, it happens with tractors and four wheelers, too. It's why they're called "accidents." No matter how careful you are, sometimes things just go wrong, and it's totally weird and uncalled for, but it happens.

So then I was like, so wow, everything I do is dangerous! And I was kind of laughing to myself and was like, "You know, I bet the city people wonder (Well, when they think about us country bumpkins, anyway) how we survive! Everything we do is dangerous!"

And then I decided that the city has it's own kind of dangers! I mean, seriously, do you ever hear of anyone getting murdered or raped in a small town? NO! That only happens in the city! Then again, there's also so many people in the city that the odds of you being singled out are about one in a million, but, STILL! It's a danger! Plus, more cars, thus an increased chance of car crashes and yadda yadda.

So I've basically decided that life is fraught with dangers, no matter where you go, and that everyone it just used to their own kind of danger. My dad thinks that tractors are a lot safer than horses, but I would be inclined to say that horses are safer than tractors...A person from the city would instantly tell you that BOTH tractors and horses are TERRIBLY dangerous, and no one should EVER go near them while proceeding to crawl into their car and drink alcohol, so basically, we all live dangerous lives. Mwahahaha. Isn't it great living on the edge?

P.S. I had to look up "fraught" to make sure I was using it right, cause I'm all cool and OCD like that. I am. xD It means "lots of, or loaded with." Just for the record. xD

Change

Time has passed and seasons have changed
Things will never again be the same.

Trying to hold on to that place and time
But I'm losing my grip, it's a hard thing to find.

Life goes on, or so they say
People change, they go their own way

But how do they know which way to go
When life is always changing, since waters always flow?

Things will never stay the same
Each thing has a season, then comes the new day

Everything we know is always changing, always moving
How do you know whether you're winning or losing?

Seasons come and seasons go
So we simply hold on to the things we know.

Only In Books....

So. I've pretty much decided that it's only in story books and fairy tales when you actually run into a guy. I mean. I am now in Washington, in Stevenson. At Annie's. And I got bored. And went running, right? Like, half way down the hill. And like. In the books, right, some guy would drive past as I was making my way BACK up the hill. Because it's a ridiculously HARD climb back up to Ann's house. OR! Better yet! Some guy could come RIDING, like, on horseback! Definitely better than a car.

Seriously: Any time a girl goes on vacation in a new place and goes somewhere, she meets some guy! Every time, in the book, consistently! And he's always amazing, and perfect. Like, usually only for the summer, or whatever, which is dumb. But STILL.

But I've pretty much decided that only happens in books. Nothing like that EVER happens in real life. EVER. I mean, seriously. Has anything like that ever happened to you guys? No. Probably not. Because it doesn't happen in real life. Things don't just happen like that.

Which I suppose is probably why I like writing so much. Because then I can make my happy little people that run serendipitously into one another and fall madly in love at first sight and ride off into the sunset, all picturesque and perfect and everything that doesn't happen in real life. Life never ends that way. Like, I wonder what would happen if people continued the story after the "happily ever after." But see, they can't do that. Because then everyone would die. And that's not as good as "and they rode off into the sunset and lived happily every after."

But I don't mind that, as much as it sounds like I do. Because I get enough of real life in...well, real life. I don't wanna read about it in books! I wanna read happily every after! Which is why all of my stories that never get finished actually do have endings. Because they always end in happily ever after of some sort. Everything goes perfectly. Because it's a good way to end it. I like my characters to be happy, even if I do tend to make them really miserable somewhere in the middle. =P

Anyway. That was my rant about books and real life. =P

My Dad is Amazing

So I've pretty much decided that my dad is amazing, and that I want to be just like him. He's a great person, but I guess the thing I was actually thinking about was how he works with animals. xD That's like, I dunno, superficial or surfacy or whatever, I know, but it's true!

I've watched him working with cattle for two days straight. To watch him peel a cow off the main bunch is amazing. It's like....he picks her out and then there she is, right through the gate, even if she was surrounded by like, 10 other cows, or right in the middle of the pack! It's crazy. Of course, he misses one every now and then. Cattle tend to be that way. I swear livestock is the meaning of Murphy's Law incarnate; if something CAN go wrong, chances are it probably will, so it's always best to be prepared. But like, it seems like the cows always end up just where he wants them. Working with cows myself over the past couple years helping him and stuff, I know how hard it is to cut a cow or a calf out of the bunch, and a good share of the time my dad just makes it look easy.

I want to be able to do that. Basically, I love my dad. =) It seems like he can do whatever he sets his mind to. =P Love ya dad.

The Cross...Among Other Things

Well, in response to my earlier post, I did NOT get to stay home alone. Dad stayed home, because he was going to go meet mom in Bismarck today. Well, now she's staying til, like, Tuesday, I think. Or something like that. Anyway. So that's the deal there.

Now. *points to title* The Cross. I was thinking about it today. and in a Clubhouse I got like, years ago, there was this fiction article from the view of a Roman soldier, and it was like, how he didn't understand why they held the cross in such high regard, because it was a method of torture. And I was thinking about that, and about how to Christians it has become like, a symbol of salvation. The whole concept sort of interests me.

It's like, not only did Christ triumph over death (which of course is the main thing) but if you read into it a little more, there was so much else that He did. Especially when we think of the cross. If we had lived in that time period, the cross would have been horrible: maybe it would have made you shudder, maybe it would scare you, and I'm sure to criminals, it struck fear in their hearts. It would be an insanely PAINFUL way to die. I can't even imagine.

But to us, it's not a symbol of torture. Like I said, it's a symbol of salvation, of hope, of forgiveness, of freedom. It's sort of a crazy one hundred eighty degree turn, you know? I don't know why that sort of boggled my mind so much, but it did. I think mostly because we never think about what it meant to some people. We only see the Salvation Message. I guess it's sort of interesting to me to think that that's not always what it meant. It used to mean death: Now, to Christians, it means life.

Ironic, right?

My Dog Looks Ridiculous!

AHHHH! my dog got shaved...Except, except. They didn't shave his head. Or his tail. So he's like, buzzed on his entire body. And then a big POOFY tail, and still has hair on his head! Ah! I hardly even recognized him as my dog! He looks so STUPID! Bahahahaha. It's okay. I still love him, and it'll feel good for him to not be roasting in the heat, but don't you think they could have done something that was a little more pleasing to the eye?

I think they probably just took him out to Terry, the vet, and had him buz him, so it was probably just a quick job, and Terry really doesn't care what they look like. Lol. Oh well. That was pretty much all I had to say: That my dog looks dumb.

Pictures coming as soon as my mommy gets back from Minot with the camera. xD

Oh yeah! And on a different note: I'm staying home by myself for the first time tonight!!! YAY! I'm pretty stoked. Lol. Mom's in Minot already, seeing Holly and Emily and Patrick. And Dad is going up tonight. So yeah. =) I getta stay home by myself. Pretty exciting stuff. Although, I was rather counting on having my dog around to keep me safe, but now he looks so ridiculous that he probably won't scare ANYONE off. =P That's okay. He doesn't need to LOOK tough, just BE touch. And he is. =P So it'll all be good. And I'm pretty excited.

And then I sing for church tomorrow. It was a spur of the moment thing, so I'm just singing It Is Well With My Soul, but I'm singing it to both the piano and the organ, and it's a really pretty accompinament, so hopefully it won't be too boring. =P Lol. Anyway. That is all. Bye loves.

Graduation and Friends

Wow. Graduation is...CRAZY. Only 8th grade, peeps, no worries. xD But yeah. Getting all dressed up and fancy, walking down the aisle to Pomp and Circumstance, singing, playing in band. Then the receiving line, hugging people that I don't even know. It's great.

Of course, everyone always asks if you feel any different, and the answer is....no. I don't feel a bit different. Other than WAY excited that it's finally SUMMER. But no, the lack of change is rather disappointing. I was hoping I would feel better. But I don't. But that's okay! Because I'm done with school for the summer and I have 3 months to just chill and do what I want to do.'

And basically, I just gotta mention that my friends are freaking amazing. Like, I honestly do NOT know what I would do without them around. Go crazy, I'm sure. I guess there's that saying about "Friends are God's way of showing us he loves us" and God must love me a LOT, because I pretty much have the most amazing friends ever. I kid you not when I say they are my sanity. Who else would listen to me cry for like, an hour straight while I try and figure out my life? I pretty darn good friend, right?

So basically: I feel pretty blessed right now. Onward and Upward! =D

Emily Lynn!

Emily Lynn was born on May 21 at 10:22 P.M. at Trinity Hospital in Minot, North Dakota. She weighed 6 pounds 14 ounces and was 19 inches long (I think) Anyway, she's a beautiful, healthy baby girl, and is, of course, adorable. Perfect in every way. Not that I'm biased or anything. ;P