Thursday, September 24, 2009

A Novel. =D

I am sosososososo hyper right now, and I have no idea why, but I love it! Hyperness is the best feeling ever! I probably drive other people CRAZY but it's so fun for me!!!! Let's all bask in my joy, shall we? LOL. Anyway, this is the first time I've had any desire (or time) to come near blogspot in basically FOREVER, but here I am, back again! I just can't stay away from the whole writing thing. It must be an adiction.

So basically I sounded totally depressed in the last Blog that I did. Which, I might have been. I don't know. Right now I'm so on top of the world that the word "depressed" isn't even in my vocabulary, BUT I gotta say that letting go IS really freeing. Hard as...well, never mind. But HARD. I'm still bad at letting go, and yeah, the whole thing is still frustrating, and yeah, I worry about it, but just having that weight lifted off my shoulders is a HUGE relief. I finally decided that I have more than enough on my plate at the moment to try and be worrying about helping someone who may not need help at all, and, at any rate, clearly doesn't WANT my help. If they don't want me around, then so be it. It's not something I can change or fix, no matter how hard I try, and I have other things that really need my focus right now. It's not really fair to everything else that I have going, my school work and the volleyball team, namely, to be wallowing about things that I can't change.

It's always so much easier to say that in hind sight. A couple weeks ago, I couldn't have said that. I really am a sucker for punishment, I guess. It's almost like I LIKE the burden. There are days that it's too heavy, but for some weird, masochistic reason, I like it. I think...maybe, it has something to do with feeling needed. I feel like if I feel a need to help someone then I must be needed, and everyone wants to feel needed. The truth is though, eventually it gets to crushing point, and then it's not so great anymore. But by then, I feel like, well I've carried it this long, now I'm obligated.

Huh. I never really thought about it so much. It's weird how, through writing these, I've gotten to know myself better. Maybe it doesn't make any sense to you guys, but it sure makes sense to me!

I have to say that I got a really good piece of advice today. From a kind of unexpected source. I made a comment about everyone being really crabby today, and this person told me, "Just smile." And I've decided that I let the moods in a room affect (affect or effect?! GAH! Now I'll have to go look it up!) me way too much. I mean, there's a point where you need to be like, sympathetic and everything, but I start letting other people's crappy moods bring ME down. And I don't have to do that! Wow! This is such a freeing day for me! lol. I don't have to let people drag me down! Again, I think it's one of my obligation, save the world things again. But it's like, there's this girl in my class who I swear never has a bad mood, and she is so amazing to be around. Like, in Twilight (random, I know, but I do have a point, I promise!) there's this character, Jasper, who feels emotions and can manipulate them, but he's always attracted to like, a happy emotional climate. And real people are, too! Happy people are just attractive, and no matter how bad you're feeling, you're just DRAWN to those people. It's like, they're nice and refreshing to be around, especially when everyone else is in a bad mood.

SO my conclusion, my thought for the day (or night?) is that I'm just going to be happy, and even if I'm not, I'll just smile! OH! There's another thing! (so much for wrapping this up! haha) I let other people drag me down when they're feeling all crappy, but I'm noticing more and more that I do have some really...well, the word that comes to mind is something I probably shouldn't say, but I'm sure you all know what I mean! and if you don't...well, if I say mother dog, does that help? So anyway, I have some insert word we're all thinking of here tendencies. One of which is that I tend to be in bad moods all too often. I'm going to make it my goal to be a happy person! But then I also rain on other people's parade when I'm in those icky, black moods! And that has absolutely got to stop. It's not fair at all, not to mention, it's not the image I want to put off. So, be happy, and just smile.

BUT I'm still not done. Haha. Sorry. But hey, nobody's making you read this, right? haha.

The OTHER thing that I've kind of been thinking of is how much I really do live by songs that pertain to my life or however I'm feeling right now. I've listened to these 2 songs repeatedly over the past couple weeks, like, more than I usually listen to a given song before getting sick of it, and I'm still not tired of these songs. There's something about being able to relate to a song, I think. Like, it's nice to know when you're in a bad mood or you're sad or something, that you're not the only one who's ever felt this way. No one likes to be alone.

NOW! I think I am finally done! I'm going to go dance or something, because I am still just off the walls, but I love you guys! Love the world! AHHHHHH! *dances off*



Oh, and P.S. it's effect. =P

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