Looking Up

Well, first I had looking FORWARD, and now we're looking up. Haha. The last couple of days have been great. I can't even tell you exactly why. They just have been. It's been a long time since I've felt this good about myself and life in general. Not EVERYTHING is going my way, but when is that ever gonna happen? If we're hoping for perfection, we've got a long time to wait. They are pretty close, though. AT least for the moment. No, I'm not being pessimistic, I'm being realistic. All the homecoming stuff is going down this weekend, so we'll see what happens. I might be pretty frazzled by the time it's over, but, you know, hey, it happens. That's life. For now, I'm really excited about the coming weeks. Time is already flying by. I can't believe it's already almost the end of September. I turn 15 in...oh my goodness, five days! Haha. It's the first I've counted in like, forever. Then just one more year and I'll be sixteen. It's almost freaky. But at any rate, youth group's been going really really well. I'm so stoked. It's like, the high light of my week, and not just because my parents are doing it. I mean, I suppose it would bother some kids to have their parents teaching their youth group, but I absolutely love it, and I know the other kids do, too. I think it's definitely going to be a good year. I'm really excited, and things are DEFINITELY looking UP. =D

A Novel. =D

I am sosososososo hyper right now, and I have no idea why, but I love it! Hyperness is the best feeling ever! I probably drive other people CRAZY but it's so fun for me!!!! Let's all bask in my joy, shall we? LOL. Anyway, this is the first time I've had any desire (or time) to come near blogspot in basically FOREVER, but here I am, back again! I just can't stay away from the whole writing thing. It must be an adiction.

So basically I sounded totally depressed in the last Blog that I did. Which, I might have been. I don't know. Right now I'm so on top of the world that the word "depressed" isn't even in my vocabulary, BUT I gotta say that letting go IS really freeing. Hard as...well, never mind. But HARD. I'm still bad at letting go, and yeah, the whole thing is still frustrating, and yeah, I worry about it, but just having that weight lifted off my shoulders is a HUGE relief. I finally decided that I have more than enough on my plate at the moment to try and be worrying about helping someone who may not need help at all, and, at any rate, clearly doesn't WANT my help. If they don't want me around, then so be it. It's not something I can change or fix, no matter how hard I try, and I have other things that really need my focus right now. It's not really fair to everything else that I have going, my school work and the volleyball team, namely, to be wallowing about things that I can't change.

It's always so much easier to say that in hind sight. A couple weeks ago, I couldn't have said that. I really am a sucker for punishment, I guess. It's almost like I LIKE the burden. There are days that it's too heavy, but for some weird, masochistic reason, I like it. I think...maybe, it has something to do with feeling needed. I feel like if I feel a need to help someone then I must be needed, and everyone wants to feel needed. The truth is though, eventually it gets to crushing point, and then it's not so great anymore. But by then, I feel like, well I've carried it this long, now I'm obligated.

Huh. I never really thought about it so much. It's weird how, through writing these, I've gotten to know myself better. Maybe it doesn't make any sense to you guys, but it sure makes sense to me!

I have to say that I got a really good piece of advice today. From a kind of unexpected source. I made a comment about everyone being really crabby today, and this person told me, "Just smile." And I've decided that I let the moods in a room affect (affect or effect?! GAH! Now I'll have to go look it up!) me way too much. I mean, there's a point where you need to be like, sympathetic and everything, but I start letting other people's crappy moods bring ME down. And I don't have to do that! Wow! This is such a freeing day for me! lol. I don't have to let people drag me down! Again, I think it's one of my obligation, save the world things again. But it's like, there's this girl in my class who I swear never has a bad mood, and she is so amazing to be around. Like, in Twilight (random, I know, but I do have a point, I promise!) there's this character, Jasper, who feels emotions and can manipulate them, but he's always attracted to like, a happy emotional climate. And real people are, too! Happy people are just attractive, and no matter how bad you're feeling, you're just DRAWN to those people. It's like, they're nice and refreshing to be around, especially when everyone else is in a bad mood.

SO my conclusion, my thought for the day (or night?) is that I'm just going to be happy, and even if I'm not, I'll just smile! OH! There's another thing! (so much for wrapping this up! haha) I let other people drag me down when they're feeling all crappy, but I'm noticing more and more that I do have some really...well, the word that comes to mind is something I probably shouldn't say, but I'm sure you all know what I mean! and if you don't...well, if I say mother dog, does that help? So anyway, I have some insert word we're all thinking of here tendencies. One of which is that I tend to be in bad moods all too often. I'm going to make it my goal to be a happy person! But then I also rain on other people's parade when I'm in those icky, black moods! And that has absolutely got to stop. It's not fair at all, not to mention, it's not the image I want to put off. So, be happy, and just smile.

BUT I'm still not done. Haha. Sorry. But hey, nobody's making you read this, right? haha.

The OTHER thing that I've kind of been thinking of is how much I really do live by songs that pertain to my life or however I'm feeling right now. I've listened to these 2 songs repeatedly over the past couple weeks, like, more than I usually listen to a given song before getting sick of it, and I'm still not tired of these songs. There's something about being able to relate to a song, I think. Like, it's nice to know when you're in a bad mood or you're sad or something, that you're not the only one who's ever felt this way. No one likes to be alone.

NOW! I think I am finally done! I'm going to go dance or something, because I am still just off the walls, but I love you guys! Love the world! AHHHHHH! *dances off*



Oh, and P.S. it's effect. =P

The End of My Rope...

Wow. This sucks. I'm at the end of my rope, and I hate it. I don't know what to do about the situation anymore. My last ditch attempt was pretty much an epic failure and I am completely out of options. I have prayed about this and prayed, and prayed. Now I have hit the end of my rope, and I guess this is where I let go.

I think that this is definitely something I struggle with: letting go. I suck at it. I'm such an independent person, and I have my stupid save the world complex, and I'm bad at just giving it to God and letting Him do His thing.

Now I don't have any choice. I hate feeling helpless, but I guess when we hit the end of ourselves, God takes over. He manifests His strength in our weaknesses. I have nothing left and so I have to let Him work it out and to rest in the confidence that God works ALL things for the good of them that love Him, and are called according to His purpose.

So yeah. I'm lost and frustrated and feeling a little hopeless, but I WILL rest in God's security. What else can I do? I hate the situation, I hate that it's come to this. But I guess I've done the best that I can and hope that it made the right effect.

I hope you know that whatever happens, we are still friends. I told you that nothing in this world will change that, come Hell or high water, and I meant every word.

"So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me."