Do you really believe?

"Do you really believe what you believe is really real?" -- Del Tackett

So. Here are my thoughts for this past week.

Basically, everyone seems to think I'm this super strong Christian. The pastor (who hardly knows me but heard me pray at Prayer and Testament a couple weeks ago) thinks that I'm gonna be this great influence on the youth and seems to think that I'm some great Christian. And letting him think that kind of makes me feel like a liar. I guess in some ways, I am a pretty mature Christian. But not as much as I could be. Not as much as I SHOULD be. But then, I guess none of us are.

Still, I'm hit and miss with my Bible reading, and if I'm hit and miss with that, I'm probably hit and miss in my relationship with God, and I'm DEFINITELY hit and miss with my prayer life. All of these to me are signs of an immature Christian.

All of THIS comes back to that quote by Del Tackett in the Truth Project, which has stuck with me for a very, VERY long time. "Do you really believe what you believe is really real?" Do I? If I did, wouldn't I pray constantly? If I REALLY believed what the Bible said about entering God's thrown room when we pray, the thrown room of THE Almighty God, would I ever be able to LEAVE? How would I EVER get out of prayer if I REALLY believed what I believe is really real?

Is my faith REALLY being echoed in my life? Sure, I don't drink, or party, or sleep around, but there are non-Christians who do that, too, because it's logical, because it's safe. Does that REALLY set me so much apart? Am I really setting MYSELF apart? If my relationship with God is lacking, isn't my life lacking? My testimony? If my relationship with God is lacking, everything about my life is lacking.

I don't know. I guess I just don't want people to build me up so much, which probably sounds crazy, because everybody wants a good reputation, everybody wants people to think they're great. But. I don't want people to think I'm better than I am. I don't want them to set me on this pedestal because I'm going to fall eventually, and we all know the saying about the higher the pedestal, the harder the fall. Maybe people really aren't building me up that much and I'm just being paranoid and self centered (=P) but still. I just wonder, you know? And it makes me evaluate my life. Is my life in line with what I'm preaching? With my other actions? Do I really have room to be advising other people or trying to help them?

I'm not self-doubting myself as much as it sounds like I am, I promise. Just exploring. I guess I'm just being reminded that God doesn't see what people see, and just because I'm good enough for the people, doesn't mean I'm good enough for God, but I never will be, this side of glory. And I have to remember that God is okay with that. He knows we're not perfect, and all He asks is our best effort. So I guess, am I really giving him my BEST effort? Am I giving Him my all?

So I guess that's my thought for the evening. I am evaluating. Where am I lacking? Where can I give God more? What do I need to surrender to Him? (Besides EVERYTHING!! lol) And this will be a continual struggle. I will never be perfect, and I have to be okay with that, and remember that there's beauty in the imperfections, too.

xoxo,
Erika Rose