Here's My Life...

I found it a little harder to come back to Dickinson tonight. This song has been my anthem for a while, and I listened to it repeatedly on the (rather scary) drive home. Tonight, I wanted nothing more than to stay curled up in the recliner and watch a movie, or maybe play some board games with my parents. Anything except come back. I think the long break did it--so much time at home just sort of reminded me what I'm missing.

Dickinson isn't bad. I do love it here. It has become "home," of sorts, but ultimately, home is where your heart is, and I think my heart is definitely in Wibaux. I'm just dreading going back to school tomorrow. I'm not ready. I wish we had another week.

But I'm trying really hard not to complain, because I know I have been so blessed. And ultimately, that song is more than just an anthem, it's become a prayer. A reminder that I have given GOD my life, a reminder that He is the comforter, and that He has brought me to this place, and He will lead me through, as well. I have no choice but to obey His call on my life, and I will, with a glad heart, because THIS is where He wants me. THIS is where He has led me, and I refuse to start the year of 2011 by looking down, or back, or even ahead. I will live in the now, cherish every moment. I found a quote that's pretty applicable: "People are unhappy because they always think the past is better than it was, the present as worse than it is, and the future better than it will be." That's where I'm at. The present really isn't that bad. The past wasn't that great. And I'm probably building the future up and I'm only going to be disappointed. Which is why I need to sit back and just give God my heart, truly and completely. I hold onto my sadness and my fear instead of truly giving it back to God, and being content with where He has put me. And so that song becomes a constant prayer. "So once more, here's my life."

I think it's something that has to happen daily, giving our lives back to God, surrendering again. I think maybe it needs to be the first thing we do, before we even roll out of bed. Just whisper a quiet "Okay, God, this day is yours. My life is yours. Help me surrender." Perhaps that's a good New Years resolution. Regardless, I refuse to let life get me down--I will cling to God and know that He WILL see me through, just as He has every time in the past.

In other news, my friend that I've talked about so much, went through a phase where he decided to stop partying, but he's right back into it. I was talking to him at 4 a.m. (I was living up my last night of freedom before school, thus the late night) and he was just high as a kite, and I could just feel my heart literally breaking. I lay awake for a long while after I told him good night, agonizing, praying like I've never prayed before, and when I woke up this morning, it was the first thing on my mind, and it's been on my heart all day. Even when I was distracted by this whole coming back home business, it was in the back of my mind. Something HAS to change. NOW. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling that if he doesn't get his act together SOON, he's going to end up dead or in prison. It's time to take action. I have a whole little speech written out in my head, but I doubt it will go the way I want it to be, because things never do. And even so, I have to actually be able to TALK to him first. I haven't heard from him all day, which doesn't help the worry. I've just been praying furiously, and I ask you to join me in prayer. Keep him safe. Give me the words to say. Let him HEAR what I'm trying to tell him, what GOD is trying to tell him.

xoxo,
Erika Rose