How Can I Show You

How can I tell you how I feel?
How can I make it seem real?

Can you put emotions into words?
The love, the joy, and all the hurt?

How can I make you see
The deeper side of me?

Can I really put all this, what I'm feeling now,
Into a simple poem? Really? Show me how

But would I want to let you feel this low
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, you know

How can I show you such a big part of my soul?
Can I rip myself open so far and leave such a gaping hole?

To show you so much of myself
To let it all out

Where would that leave me?
What would I have left to be?

I can't empty myself that far
I can't put my heart in a jar

I can't let you into my head
So I'll just write this down and pray you understand.

Looking Forward

Basically, for ages, I've been wallowing in self pity. "Oh, I wish we were still at the farm," or "Dang I wish Sarah was still here," or "Man, I miss those days." And I've GOT to stop doing that! It's no wonder I feel like crap! I'm a malcontent! I'm always wishing for what I HAD instead of rejoicing in what I HAVE.

I was listening to Crazier, by Taylor Swift (kind of a funny inspirational song, I know) and the second verse goes something like
"I watched from a distance as you
Made life your own
Every sky was your own kind of blue."
And I decided that I'm going to be that person. I'm going to make life my own. There's also the quote from Step Up 2 (best movies ever) where Chase tells Andie, "Maybe it's not about going back. Maybe it's about being right where you are."

It's so true, and that's what I'm going to work on. I'm going to be happy with exactly where I am. I'm going to STOP looking back and wishing for a place and time that's long gone, and I'm going to START looking forward, to tomorrow, to whatever God's got waiting for me just around the bend. I'm going to trust that He knows what He's doing. =) I'm going to be happy! I'm going to stop looking at the mistakes I've made and I'm going to start figuring out how to fix the ones that I can, and I'm going to learn from the mistakes that aren't fixable. I'm going to love the day and place and time where I am now. I'm going to stop living for yesterday and start living for today and for tomorrow. I'm going to stop looking back and start looking forward, because there's little for me in my past. It's all about the future.

Friends and Music

So I've actually been meaning to do one of these. All the songs that make me think of my good friends. *nod*. So, in no particular order:

Sterling - Small Town USA, by Justin Moore, and anything by Jason Michael Carroll.
Melissa - Anything by Avril, obviously. xD
Danny - Anything by Nickelback, but namely I'd Come For You.
Brian - I'm Still a Guy, by Brad Paisley. xD
Sarah - I Wish You'd Stay, by Brad Paisley; Thunder, by Boys Like Girls
Holly - Bless the Broken Road, as sung by Rascal Flatts

Wow. the last four all have five letters in their name. More to come I'm sure, but that was just what came to me at this exact moment. =)

Fraught with Dangers

So. I was driving the four-wheeler home today after raking hay for my daddy, and thinking that it was probably kind of funny that I felt safer on the 4-wheeler than I did in the tractor, because I'm probably ACTUALLY safer in the tractor...you know, it's big, if I run into anything, the tractor probably wins. Unless it's like, you know, a train. Where as on a four-wheeler, I'm pretty much screwed if anything happens. Nothing above me to keep me safe, and just, yeah. Not exactly the safest things ever, right? And then I was like, but I feel even SAFER on horseback...Any horse's back, generally! Which, as anybody who rides 4-wheelers and drives tractors *cough*mydad*coughcough* would tell you are MUCH safer than a horse.

And I was like, well, you know, they're all pretty dangers. But we never really think about them being dangerous...Well, I lie. We do, but more as a "if I treat it with respect and do everything right, I'll be fine. Don't do anything stupid" sort of danger. Which is true! And then I was thinking about and I was like, You know, horses probably are the most dangerous of the three. Due to the whole brain factor. You know, even if you're using them right, sometimes they spazz out anyway, and you get hurt, no matter how "right" you're doing everything. And then I was like, well, it happens with tractors and four wheelers, too. It's why they're called "accidents." No matter how careful you are, sometimes things just go wrong, and it's totally weird and uncalled for, but it happens.

So then I was like, so wow, everything I do is dangerous! And I was kind of laughing to myself and was like, "You know, I bet the city people wonder (Well, when they think about us country bumpkins, anyway) how we survive! Everything we do is dangerous!"

And then I decided that the city has it's own kind of dangers! I mean, seriously, do you ever hear of anyone getting murdered or raped in a small town? NO! That only happens in the city! Then again, there's also so many people in the city that the odds of you being singled out are about one in a million, but, STILL! It's a danger! Plus, more cars, thus an increased chance of car crashes and yadda yadda.

So I've basically decided that life is fraught with dangers, no matter where you go, and that everyone it just used to their own kind of danger. My dad thinks that tractors are a lot safer than horses, but I would be inclined to say that horses are safer than tractors...A person from the city would instantly tell you that BOTH tractors and horses are TERRIBLY dangerous, and no one should EVER go near them while proceeding to crawl into their car and drink alcohol, so basically, we all live dangerous lives. Mwahahaha. Isn't it great living on the edge?

P.S. I had to look up "fraught" to make sure I was using it right, cause I'm all cool and OCD like that. I am. xD It means "lots of, or loaded with." Just for the record. xD

Change

Time has passed and seasons have changed
Things will never again be the same.

Trying to hold on to that place and time
But I'm losing my grip, it's a hard thing to find.

Life goes on, or so they say
People change, they go their own way

But how do they know which way to go
When life is always changing, since waters always flow?

Things will never stay the same
Each thing has a season, then comes the new day

Everything we know is always changing, always moving
How do you know whether you're winning or losing?

Seasons come and seasons go
So we simply hold on to the things we know.

Only In Books....

So. I've pretty much decided that it's only in story books and fairy tales when you actually run into a guy. I mean. I am now in Washington, in Stevenson. At Annie's. And I got bored. And went running, right? Like, half way down the hill. And like. In the books, right, some guy would drive past as I was making my way BACK up the hill. Because it's a ridiculously HARD climb back up to Ann's house. OR! Better yet! Some guy could come RIDING, like, on horseback! Definitely better than a car.

Seriously: Any time a girl goes on vacation in a new place and goes somewhere, she meets some guy! Every time, in the book, consistently! And he's always amazing, and perfect. Like, usually only for the summer, or whatever, which is dumb. But STILL.

But I've pretty much decided that only happens in books. Nothing like that EVER happens in real life. EVER. I mean, seriously. Has anything like that ever happened to you guys? No. Probably not. Because it doesn't happen in real life. Things don't just happen like that.

Which I suppose is probably why I like writing so much. Because then I can make my happy little people that run serendipitously into one another and fall madly in love at first sight and ride off into the sunset, all picturesque and perfect and everything that doesn't happen in real life. Life never ends that way. Like, I wonder what would happen if people continued the story after the "happily ever after." But see, they can't do that. Because then everyone would die. And that's not as good as "and they rode off into the sunset and lived happily every after."

But I don't mind that, as much as it sounds like I do. Because I get enough of real life in...well, real life. I don't wanna read about it in books! I wanna read happily every after! Which is why all of my stories that never get finished actually do have endings. Because they always end in happily ever after of some sort. Everything goes perfectly. Because it's a good way to end it. I like my characters to be happy, even if I do tend to make them really miserable somewhere in the middle. =P

Anyway. That was my rant about books and real life. =P

My Dad is Amazing

So I've pretty much decided that my dad is amazing, and that I want to be just like him. He's a great person, but I guess the thing I was actually thinking about was how he works with animals. xD That's like, I dunno, superficial or surfacy or whatever, I know, but it's true!

I've watched him working with cattle for two days straight. To watch him peel a cow off the main bunch is amazing. It's like....he picks her out and then there she is, right through the gate, even if she was surrounded by like, 10 other cows, or right in the middle of the pack! It's crazy. Of course, he misses one every now and then. Cattle tend to be that way. I swear livestock is the meaning of Murphy's Law incarnate; if something CAN go wrong, chances are it probably will, so it's always best to be prepared. But like, it seems like the cows always end up just where he wants them. Working with cows myself over the past couple years helping him and stuff, I know how hard it is to cut a cow or a calf out of the bunch, and a good share of the time my dad just makes it look easy.

I want to be able to do that. Basically, I love my dad. =) It seems like he can do whatever he sets his mind to. =P Love ya dad.