Dream Big

So. I have some dreams. And a lot of them are about horses, so some of you probably aren't gonna have any idea what I'm talking about. However, I want tow rite them down so I hold myself to it, and I have so many notebooks that I tend to lose things. So. Here is a list of 10 goals for me and my filly Viva. Call it my early New Year's Resolution. ;] They also say that you should set a time limit. So. By this time next year, I want to complete all this, which means doing lots and lots of riding. =D (That ought to be really difficult. tehe)

1.) I want her to come greet me at the gate.
2.) I want to get her jumping
3.) I NEED to get her side-passing (maybe this should be because I need this by summer)
4.) I want to get her to lay down
4b.) I want to be able to get on her while she's laying down and then have her stand up
5.) I need to start working with a longer line
5b.) ...so I can work up to playing with her on the ground, at liberty (with no line at all) in a large space
6.) I want to be able to ride WITHOUT a bridle. Which means I need to fix the way I ride and start using my legs instead of my hands. ;]
7.) I want her to be joined up with me AFTER we get done riding. (Instead of running off like she did today. -sad panda-)
8.) I want to figure out what SHE wants to do and get her going on it, be it barrels and poles or jumping
9.) I want to get her going under English (which really isn't hard)
10.) I want to fix her headset, so she carries herself better.

Okay. That is my list of equine goals for the year of 2011. These are the things I hope to accomplish. I'll let all of you know how this goes, but it'll be a while, as I can't ride nearly as often as I'd like thanks to the weather and school and the fact that it gets dark so early. =S

xoxo
Erika Rose <3

'Tis the Season

Tonight we decorated the Christmas tree. I have under-appreciated that tradition the last few years, but this year, it was a fun time. My mom has this great tradition for getting us kids a Christmas tree ornament every year. A lot of them are significant to what happened that year. The trip to Hawaii, the trip to Boston, the years I got Vegas and Tinkerbell, the scant year I was in ballet, things of that nature. And this year, it was fun to look back on all those, to remember where I have been and to take a special note of where I am now. I'm super curious to see what Mom got me for the tree this year. She just keeps telling me I'm gonna like it. Hmm.

At any rate, it's also a time for family. Before I moved to Dickinson, I was far too eager to run off, back to the computer or whatever else I had going, as soon as I possibly could without being rude to my mom. This year, though, it was a great time. I went and made some hot cocoa and just chilled in the recliner and watched Mom finish putting all her (well, her's and dad's, but mostly her's. =P)her stuff on the tree. We talked about theology, and life and love. We ate dinner around the table, and I talked about the traditions I want to have for my family when the time comes. It was just fantastic.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and in my case, that is most certainly true. I've under-appreciated my parents for a long time, but tonight was just a night of bonding, talking about old movies, and family traditions, like watching Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol.

I don't want to go back to Dickinson tomorrow. I just want to go to church and sit iwth my family and drink hot cocoa around the Christmas tree. Unfortunately, duty calls, and I must go back to the daily grind. In just a few more weeks, though, I'll be off for Christmas break, and I am VERY excited. I love Christmas, and I can't wait to see the rest of my family and get to just curl up and look at the snow and enjoy life. Of course, that's not to say I don't always enjoy life, but there's just something about Christmas.

Love always, and happy holidays! (Merry Christmas, thank you very much!)
Erika Rose <3

Do you really believe?

"Do you really believe what you believe is really real?" -- Del Tackett

So. Here are my thoughts for this past week.

Basically, everyone seems to think I'm this super strong Christian. The pastor (who hardly knows me but heard me pray at Prayer and Testament a couple weeks ago) thinks that I'm gonna be this great influence on the youth and seems to think that I'm some great Christian. And letting him think that kind of makes me feel like a liar. I guess in some ways, I am a pretty mature Christian. But not as much as I could be. Not as much as I SHOULD be. But then, I guess none of us are.

Still, I'm hit and miss with my Bible reading, and if I'm hit and miss with that, I'm probably hit and miss in my relationship with God, and I'm DEFINITELY hit and miss with my prayer life. All of these to me are signs of an immature Christian.

All of THIS comes back to that quote by Del Tackett in the Truth Project, which has stuck with me for a very, VERY long time. "Do you really believe what you believe is really real?" Do I? If I did, wouldn't I pray constantly? If I REALLY believed what the Bible said about entering God's thrown room when we pray, the thrown room of THE Almighty God, would I ever be able to LEAVE? How would I EVER get out of prayer if I REALLY believed what I believe is really real?

Is my faith REALLY being echoed in my life? Sure, I don't drink, or party, or sleep around, but there are non-Christians who do that, too, because it's logical, because it's safe. Does that REALLY set me so much apart? Am I really setting MYSELF apart? If my relationship with God is lacking, isn't my life lacking? My testimony? If my relationship with God is lacking, everything about my life is lacking.

I don't know. I guess I just don't want people to build me up so much, which probably sounds crazy, because everybody wants a good reputation, everybody wants people to think they're great. But. I don't want people to think I'm better than I am. I don't want them to set me on this pedestal because I'm going to fall eventually, and we all know the saying about the higher the pedestal, the harder the fall. Maybe people really aren't building me up that much and I'm just being paranoid and self centered (=P) but still. I just wonder, you know? And it makes me evaluate my life. Is my life in line with what I'm preaching? With my other actions? Do I really have room to be advising other people or trying to help them?

I'm not self-doubting myself as much as it sounds like I am, I promise. Just exploring. I guess I'm just being reminded that God doesn't see what people see, and just because I'm good enough for the people, doesn't mean I'm good enough for God, but I never will be, this side of glory. And I have to remember that God is okay with that. He knows we're not perfect, and all He asks is our best effort. So I guess, am I really giving him my BEST effort? Am I giving Him my all?

So I guess that's my thought for the evening. I am evaluating. Where am I lacking? Where can I give God more? What do I need to surrender to Him? (Besides EVERYTHING!! lol) And this will be a continual struggle. I will never be perfect, and I have to be okay with that, and remember that there's beauty in the imperfections, too.

xoxo,
Erika Rose

Years Go By...

Well. I was just looking through old pictures as I moved all my photos into one album, looking over the past year. It certainly has been an interesting one, hasn't it? I had people leave. I had people change. I had new and wonderful people walk into my life.

It's been a crazy, wonderful, awful, terrifying year, all rolled into one. The reason I'm already thinking about this is that I saw someone's Facebook status the other day that said how Christmas is only x number of days away, and they're not ready to say goodbye to this year. But. I so am.

Last year, I was looking forward to this year. I couldn't wait. My attitude was bring it on. And what can I say but that I got what I asked for? Life brought it, and brought it hard. And like I said, it wasn't all necessarily bad, but it was certainly a hard year, in many, many ways. But I suppose every year is bound to be that way.

Even so, I can't say that I'm going to be terribly sad to see 2010 usher itself out the door. Next year may not be any better, but I will be optimistic and hope so. Mostly, I just can't wait to move on. Obviously I don't have to wait 'til New Years to move on, but there's just something fresh about the start of a new year, something, well, new. It's a blank page, the end of a chapter and the start of something new. And I cannot wait to start something new.

I don't know what this next year will bring, but good or bad, I am confident it will be wonderful all the same, because ultimately, God is control. 2010, you were not terribly kind to me, and I cannot wait to wish you farewell for good. I hope and pray that 2011 is better, and I am confident it will be. Looking back now, 2010 kind of got off to a rocky start, although I didn't really realize it at the time. This year, though. This will be better.

2010 brought a lot of change, and it had its rocky moments, as everything does, but in the end, it turned into something beautiful, if a little bittersweet. I can't wait to see what God brings in 2011. And so I know that we're still more than a month away, but 2011, I am looking forward to greeting you, and I hope that I can do it with an open mind and an open heart for whatever God has in store, be it trials or treasures.

xoxo,
Erika Rose <3

Romans 9

Oh dear. I've been thinking again recently about Elect vs. Freewill, which is something I've been considering for a long time. And what should I stumble across in my reading today but Romans 9, which is basically talking about God choosing. God having mercy on whom He wants to have mercy, , and in verse 19, it has basically my whole argument against election: How can God throw people into Hell if they had no choice about what they did. Here's verses 19-22: "One of you will say to me: "Then why does God still blame us? For who resists His will?" But who are you, o man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it "Why did you make me likes this?" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? What if God, choosing to show His wrath and make His power known, bore with great patience the objects of His wrath--prepared for destruction?"

How do I reconcile that? Ugh. I guess that's my thought for the day. And if any of you feel like reading that chapter and posting your thoughts on the issue, by all means, feel free. ;]

xoxo,
Erika Rose

The End of the Rope...

I don't know what to do. He's hurting. He's aching. He's battling with God and hitting the end of his rope, and I can't help but hope that he's losing, because ultimately, he has to lose it to win it.

All day, it's been on constant repeat in my mind. "Please, God. Please, God. Please, God." I don't even know what I'm praying for anymore. Peace? Salvation? Belief in the fact that he IS loved? I don't know. I can't get into the specifics really, not in my head. I guess it's becoming a prayer of the heart, at this point. God knows what's there, what's written on my soul. He knows how much I hurt and ache, He knows what I desire and hope for and ultimately what I'm praying for, even if I can't put it into words.

Friends, I ask you to pray with me. I have a feeling we're getting close, and one of these days, he's going to swing one way or the other; he's going to let go. Let's just hope he sides with the right team.

Life Goes On...

So. My friend Dustin and I (You've probably seen Dustin stalking my facebook. ;] lol) were just having a discussion about life and friends and how it's hard to get kicked out on your own. And I said, well, the nice thing about life is that it goes on. And Dustin had this great analogy that we built upon, and we came to the conclusion that life is like a train. You can pick WHICH train to get on, which direction you're gonna go with your life, but once you're on it, you're on. You don't control the speed or the ultimate destination, just the direction. And you can choose where to sit, or what to do while you're on the train, but ultimately, the final destination is up to the conductor. Sometimes it's gonna be scary, and it's gonna seem like it's just totally outta control. There's gonna be some long, hard winters. But again, we can take heart, because life has seasons, too. It can't rain forever. Eventually spring will roll around. We can't possibly be grateful for what we have now if we can't see where we've been. The Spring wouldn't be nearly so lovely if we didn't know how miserable winter could be. Otherwise we'd just complain during the spring rain, instead of acknowledging that it's got nothing on winter storms, and taking advantage of the beauty of the rain and the thunder and the lightning. Just like I couldn't possibly be grateful enough for what I've found here in Dickinson if I hadn't been miserable before.

And so I guess take heart. No matter how disastrous the moment seems, the train WILL keep on rollin'. The world will keep turning, and when you make it out of the tunnel, you'll be able to look back and see where you've been, and see what God has brought you through, and be able to appreciate the things you have now, in this moment, all the more...

xoxo,
Erika Rose <3